Inheritance

Nobody should “expect” inheritance regardless of their decisions and actions. Personally, if I have anything left, it be equally split between my children. That will be not be dependent on whether they do things that benefit me. It’s not a transaction, it’s a gift.

A relative through marriage complained to me when his MIL's partner died. Understandably, to my mind, the partner had left everything to the MIL. (He had no children of his own and had got together with the MIL in middle age.)

The relative was upset that nothing had been left to his daughter, on the grounds that the daughter (no more than 7 yrs old at the time) had called the partner 'Grandad'. In his mind, the use of the title meant that the daughter was owed an inheritance: it wasn't enough that her inheritance would eventually reach her via her grandmother and her parent.

I admit to being taken aback - apart from anything else, the will was probably written before the grandchild was born.

The irony is that when the relative died, it turned out that he had not got round to writing his own will.

I guess it depends on the person who has passed and what they have in their will, it’s really nothing to do with the other family members

No one should expect an inheritance, no one should be obliged to care for a person for an inheritance.

That’s not quite true, if you are married and die your children are able to claim towards a third of the parents estate but if you aren’t married they can claim against a half of the parents estate

my mum has not long written her will and wants to leave my brother as little as possible as he is an addict and this is what she was told. Since there are 2 siblings he is entitled to 25% of our mums movable estate eg bank accounts.

I don't think there will be any money left when I die as I will most likely end up in a care home due to having several chronic illnesses. However I have given my two DC (and my brother) a lot of money over) the last 20 years so they don't need an inheritance.
I have given my brother money because he had nothing due to a combination of bad luck and bad judgement. He is my only family left except my DC and I love him, despite his fecklessness.

Well, on the one hand no one should expect an inheritance at all.

But equally, I can't foresee any situation I wouldn't split my will equally between my dc. Using your will to try to control your dc is tasteless and not ok.

"Love is not transactional."

It, essentially, is though. The 'transaction' is mutual kindness, and relationships are based on it; the time, effort and emotion you invest. One sided adult relationships don't work, and if they do, someone is being taken advantage of.
In relationships whereupon mutual kindness is at the fore, a situation where a care giving adult child received (for example) a bigger share would probably just be expected, and you'd most likely expect any other adult children (siblings) in that circle of mutual kindness to hope for that.
The approach you describe feels more 'coldly' transactional (ie receiving upon 'rank/position' within a family, as opposed to affinity).

It's perfectly normal to want to pass on wealth and assets to your children. My 3 children would have to something terrible before I'd disinherit them.

Well, if you want to conduct your relationships in that way, then I guess that's your choice. It's not how I would ever choose to conduct mine.

Of course, everyone has to make an effort in any relationship, but in my family, we prefer not to keep score.

It's wholly bizarre that you've deduced a culture of 'keeping score' from what I said. There was absolutely nothing indicative of that in my comment.

Nor is it out of the ordinary to state (the obvious) that healthy relationships are based on mutual kindness; it's a pretty much globally accepted concept!

I'm not denying that mutual kindness is important in relationships. I agree with that.

But if acts of kindness are tallied up over time to be rewarded with a larger share of the inheritance for the one who did more kind things, then what is that if not keeping score?

I think there would need to be a reason beyond that to completely disinherit a child. I do think it is reasonable though to ensure the children who did help are compensated for that first before splitting the estate equally. If that means there is nothing left over then so be it.

When my dad died we made sure my brother (who lived close to him - rest of us lived hours away - and took multiple days off work to take him to appointments/deal with emergencies and visited twice a week to sort out various things/arranged carers and cleaners etc) - got compensated for this. Whilst we did not split it like this it ended up that he had approx 2/5th of the estate and the other three siblings 1/5th. He definitely did not need the money but it was about more than the money. The two siblings not in contact (including a step child we could’ve missed out as he died intestate as last will invalid) got the same as me. It felt right.

"what is that if not keeping score?"

[In the broader context of a close and healthy relationship] It's a gracious acknowlegement of an unavoidable imbalance. In this case, care giving. Which generally involves making sacrifices in one's own life. There's no shame in accepting a person's expression of appreciation.

No one should expect an inheritance

My elderly father expresses his appreciation for the caring that I do. He does not need to do it by leaving me a disproportionate share of his assets when he dies. I do not provide care for him in anticipation of any monetary reward, and I would feel very sad if he considered that to be necessary.

I only have one dc, so this issue will not arise for me. But if I had more than one, I can't imagine keeping a tally of which child had shown me more kindness over the years so that this could be reflected in my will.

Love for a partner is inherently conditional. Love for children doesn't have to be.

You can disinherit but the children get written to to ask if they wish to exert their legal rights. They may not want to. And it's a third of the moveable estate they get divided between all the children. It certainly doesn't I validate the will. My mil left all her assets to her husband but her children were asked if they wanted to exercise their legal rights. They did so the 3 kids got a of the moveable estate each.
My husband's brother's never saw their parents. My husband did everything for them. They died in their late 90s. The way the will was written for my FIL meant the 2 brothers have inherited so much more than my husband.

You're using very rigid terms like need, necessary, conditional.

I provide care for an elderly parent. If my sibling were to say they wanted me to have a larger share of any inheritence, as an acknowledgement of that care, I would take it simply as a very kind gesture. Words like need, necessary and conditional wouldn't cross my mind.

no because to me inheritance should not be tit for tat, you inherit because you are next in line.

If that is what your siblings want, then that's their prerogative.

Personally, as someone who also cares for an elderly parent, I do not share your perspective. I do what I do for my dad because he's my dad and I love him. I do not need or want any reward for this. My reward is knowing that he is well cared for and that I've done what I can to support him.

If you feel differently, then that's a matter for you. It isn't how my own family operates.

It's entirely up to the person who writes the will.

This question is very relevant to me ATM. DH was gravely ill earlier in the year and nearly died, his 2 DC visited him once in hospital and he has seen them both twice this year. They only get in touch when they want something. I was extremely ill in September and DH told his DC and they said nothing, DH was furious. We are scheduled to make our wills later in the week and DH is leaving everything to me (he is older than me ) whereas before he was leaving his half of the house to his DC. He has finally realised that they don't care about him and I feel heartily sorry for him. There has been no falling outs or anything, his ex wife was responsible for the break up of the marriage and he was a good dad. Some people just don't care.

I expect his dc have a different perspective

I have MS and live in a different state from my parents whereas my siblings live nearby so I'm obviously not able to offer the same level of practical support they can. Does that mean I should be disinherited? There's a huge difference between someone who genuinely doesn't care about their parents and someone whose circumstances make it difficult to help. I don't think an inheritance should be treated as payment for services rendered, either. Family relationships are a little more complicated than that.

I don't personally have a problem if someone receives a little extra if they have provided significant care. If they have had to take off work to do that, a payment towards covering that loss, then the rest divided equally, seems fair enough. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are around it, if someone has given up time they could be earning, or incurred costs in caring, helping to cover that gap for them before dividing inheritance seems reasonable enough.