To think husband doesn't get to have it both ways re children?

Tell him to grow up and parent his own kids what a cheeky fucker!

Wow, poor kids. Yes their father should take some interest but he is working not down the pub. I’m not excusing him btw. But you are their step mother, you married their dad and he had children. And 12 and 14 are such impressionable ages. Would it really impact on your day if you took them with you, included them with their siblings like you were all, I dunno, a family! Really really sad post.

If you read the OP’s updates it doesn’t seem that way. She asks, they often say no, and often are still in bed at the time she needs to leave. I can’t imagine kids of the age of DSC wanting to take part in activities aimed at much younger children, although I don’t think it’s unreasonable to couch it in terms of helping out with their younger siblings. I haven’t read all of the updates so not sure if the DSC are resident full time or whether this is allocated contact time with their dad. If the former, then I think it’s reasonable to leave them to their own devices if they would rather be doing something else. If the latter, then dad really needs to step up and stop treating the OP as the default parent so that he can work when he should be spending time with his kids.

I’m with you OP because this happened to me. It is an easy trap to fall into. My one caveat here is if the dad is working more because you both desperately need the money and it is temporary. The children are in your house to spend time with him (and now their siblings). You need to be amenable but not a doormat. You aren’t responsible for them and his behaviour saying they will look after themselves is negligent and foisting guilt on you. You obviously know this already but this man is a negligent father and a cocklodging/ controlling husband.
His poor children are now stuck in the middle and you are in the position of rejecting them to stick up for yourself, or becoming his childminder.
You need to tell him straight. He needs to take primary care for his children ,which means being there, or they don’t come round. If you weren’t there what would he do?
He has already put his cards on the table, so watch for higher manipulation. “I can’t pay towards xyz because youhave stopped me earning” Mine stopped work and suddenly took up golf and his children had to caddy for him. They started begging to stay with me.
Only you can judge,OP. I felt that what was happening was hurting ex dh children and along with other factors, I had to leave.

I feel very sorry for you married to this man OP. He has basically got you trapped into a damned if you do or don't position. You either end up caring for all 4 children alone or get to feel like the bad guy for making two children miss out on fun and lack supervision. Meanwhile he deliberately goes to work to avoid spending time with his children. Tbh, this behaviour would be a deal breaker for me as its just so manipulative and exploitative it speaks volumes about his character, and none of it good. Not to mention its stale mate because if you protest, he's going to double down and tell you again to leave his children to their own devices, so you've nowhere to go with that. Sadly he doesn't care much for any of you.

he has got into the habit of leaving them at home at the weekend whilst he goes to work (SE so can definitely choose whether to go or not) often not telling me about this until the night before / day of.
This would be bad enough if he didn't have older children tbh. You have children together, both work during the week, but he thinks he can just bugger off whenever he wants at extremely short or no notice because you/women are always there for the kids and have no other life or important plans. And he chooses to spend his weekends away from all his children, demonstrating to them that his work is more important to him than his family, and that adult life is just about working constantly and never having any fun.

In your position I'd be trying to get him out of this habit, partly so that he might treat your shared children better if and when you split up. (I'd also be looking out for signs of an affair tbh, based on my own experience of my exh doing more "weekend work".)

Maybe daddy of the year will see the 12 year old more as he will need to be around during contact with his toddlers! Either way it is not an excuse to stand by and do nothing about the situation.

Yes, there is a limit to what the OP can do. Accepting and being complicit in her dh's poor, dismissive, damaging treatment of his children in her home is nowhere near any limit.

She at no point has shown any concern for children who are in her home 50% of their time, or any concern over her husbands shoddy behaviour towards his children. She is only concerned with it not being her responsibility to parent them, with it not being her fault the children are being poorly parented by her husband. Which I agree it isn't, but she has a responsibility to not tolerate it or condone it under her roof. dh would feel my thunder if he even thought this was an acceptable way to treat any children and it would be resolved not ignored.

She tolerates him behaving like that with his first children, hers will be next. It is time she stepped up and dealt with it.

@PickledFrog you’re getting a rough time on here! I sympathise. I have my own DC and my SDC. Both sets are here half the time. Essentially we parent our own DC but help each other out and crossover a fair bit. My DP will take my DD along some of the time if he is doing something with his DD and I haven’t got anything planned with my DD. Sometimes, not always. Sometimes we like spending time with our own DC and have specifically arranged to do something with one or both of them.

FWIW I do think your DH is being unfair to you. If his DC need making lunch, supervision, invited out then either he needs to be there to do that or he needs to ask you in advance if it’s OK if he leaves them with you and for you to fulfil that role on Saturday/Sunday/whenever. He shouldn’t assume you’ll do this and when you protest and say actually you have plans that day, then brush that off and say it’s fine, they don’t need anything doing for them. But then later complain when you, lo and behold, didn’t stay home and care for them! You already told him that.

If on a rare occasion I want to go out to a class or something (not for the entire day!) and I have my DC then I ask my DP if it’s OK for me to book a class and leave the DC with him for a couple of hours. If he’s busy he either offers to take my DD with (my DS is older and will be out with friends) or he will say he can’t take her this time and in which case I wouldn’t book the class. We ask each other to help out with the DC but there isn’t an expectation. And if we can’t help then it’s fine. And I wouldn’t routinely make myself unavailable for whole days when I was due to my have DC home with me. I think your DH is the one being unfair to the kids here, not you.

None of this is the OP’s fault or problem. It’s the problem and fault of the shit fathering by the prick she’s married to.

People are completely missing the point by saying you should take your 2yo bowling while also taking the older sdc ON YOUR OWN. Is he a shit husband and a shit dad? From what you’ve said he is. I’m married and our 3 kids are both of ours. If my Dh said on Friday oh I’m choosing to work tomorrow I’d say sure but you’ll have to take the 8yo, 5yo and 1yo and work out a way to get them to football, basketball, and 2 lots of swimming lessons in the morning since if you think you can opt out of parenting without notice then so can I and I won’t be here tomorrow, I’ll be out.

your children together are his too. It’s not just about your sdc. Where does he get off taking zero responsibility for his family? I’d be looking at splitting up personally if it seemed the only way to get him to take some responsibility on the weekend, but before that you could just say on Friday night oh I am away for the weekend. Him: what about the kids? You: they are your kids too, it’s never occurred to you to worry about them when you announce you’re working all day Saturday, so you’ll be fine iust like you always expect me to be fine. No, I won’t be changing my plans to accomodate you not feeling like parenting. Tough shit.

No, she has zero responsibility to manage her husband, and it’s not on her to assume more responsibility for them than their actual parent. Parents, actually, considering their mother has no problem leaving them home alone.

Her husband is neither her child nor a child she’s required to parent. He’s a grown man and father that is responsible for himself and his children

You’re obviously miles away from being a blended family OP, I think your attitude to your SC sounds awful. You don’t even sound as if you like them! It seems you’re deliberately going out early on a weekend to make a point to your OH without any regard for the children and how they feel. That’s so selfish and thoughtless, I wonder how you would feel if you find yourself in a similar situation when your own children are older. You knew he had children when you married him. You need to sort this out with your OH not use the children as pawns to prove your point, it’s very childish and thoughtless behaviour, echoed by the fact you add a laughing face to almost every comment you make!

That's it, OP, insist that the older children come to soft play with you every time. If they don't want to, then stay with them and game with them - the small children will be fine on their own but the DSC must be put on a pedestal and worshipped

@chocolatemademefat

yep HE is responding for HiS children

stop trying to make a woman accountable for a man’s inadequacy

Sounds shit all round for the children ☹️.

As so often, first post nails it.

These poor children are being made into a battleground.

OP - you are right in that the time they spend with their father should be time actually spent with their father. But at the same time you are venting your own spite on them, and it ISN'T THEIR FAULT!

He can't be bothered with them.

You don't like them.

I don't know what their mother's opinion is here - but even if she sends them because your DH insists on having them so that he doesn't have to pay more child support, and she doesn't want them to go, these two children must feel like shit!

I couldn't do this to a child, no matter how angry I was at their dad. I know you said you sometimes ask them along, but if they feel unwanted they are highly unlikely to go.

And do remember, that what he is doing to his first family now, he has a good chance to do to your family in 10 years' time.

You should be making him step up to the mark to parent his children. He's an arsehole.

Edit to add last sentence

and for the OP and for their joint kids too.

step kids are not more important than anyone else, despite what MN might think!

Maybe pigs will fly.

And ultimately, there's still not a lot OP can actually do here, especially if she decided to end the relationship. I don't offer any comment on whether she should or not, but you've not actually spelled out how it would benefit the DSC if she did. If you just think in that situation the SM should leave as a point of principle, fine, but be clear that these are teens with two parents who are completely fine leaving them alone for long periods.

He's being a pretty crap dad to his two eldest children. It's his job to look after them and spend time with them when he has them. I would be telling him that I expect him to be home on the weekends he has them, except for an emergency call out or something. Ask DSC what they'd like to do with dad at the weekend - and tell them to tell him! He needs to step up.

Spot on

He has stitched you up, you are in a situation where you have a choice between capitulating to his unreasonable demands or looking like the bad guy.
He's treating you like his servant you are the woman therefore you have to do the unpaid work of keeping everyone happy well he skips off and invest in his career.
I don't know what the answer is but I would have made an effigy and have stuck pins in it👿

I agree with pp, but wonder if a more positive mindset might help here.
Modelling blended families and tolerant relationships, closeness with their step-siblings may be very useful skills and a support network for ALL the children. It wont harm the big ones to do something they wouldn't immediately choose eg soft play, and it won't harm the little ones to do something the older two would like.
Try and change the dynamic for the future bonding of all concerned- good life skills and future family harmony?

He is asking OP if his kids have eaten when OP is out, therefore he does expect her to be home with his kids.

The trip to the aquarium was planned in advance and DH knew about it. He should have stayed home with his kids.