DP doesn't want DS to move in with us

Maybe your son's difficulties are related to the abuse you suffered. Don't cut him out. He is as much your child as your younger one. Talk to him.

You cannot move your adult son into your home with your DP without him agreeing to it… and I can see why he wouldn’t want that.

Is your son clean now? Is there another way you could help him e.g. financially help him?

You said he was saving up with his gf, does he still have these savings? If so, why does he need to live with you? If not, where has all the money gone?

i can see why this is a difficult decision as presumably your DP has witnessed/experienced your son’s violence and is worried that he could harm DS2 and pregnant you if he loses his temper.

Also, do you know whether he’s stopped taking drugs? That’s another major issue.

I completely understand that you want to give him a home (I would too) but you do need to protect your younger children.

I feel sorry for your son. Saw abuse, his dad left, he got a new father figure, then a new baby, then he got chucked out & you weren’t sure if you wanted a relationship with him. He’s still young & it’s a lot of trauma. It must’ve been extremely hard for you too to deal with the way he was.

Sounds like he’s grown up a bit & reflected. I would let me move back in without doubt.

Sounds like he’s grown up a bit & reflected. I would let me move back in without doubt

This isn’t solely her decision to make unfortunately

Yabvu if you think it’s acceptable to move an adult, violent addict back into your home where you have a younger child and a new baby on the way.

Once an addict always an addict. Hopefully he’s changed but chances are it’ll end in tears and unless you want the cycle to repeat itself you need to keep him as far away from your other children as possible.

Support him as best you can but at arms length.

You can’t invite him to move in if DP says no, your second child and this baby have two equal parents and he’s trying to keep them safe from a previously violent junkie.

Your eldest son didn’t ask for a difficult upbringing but your other two don’t owe their half brother anything and they have a right to be and feel safe in their home, as does DP.

You can’t make unilateral decisions when you’re in a committed relationship with shared children.

Thats quite a heartless attitude @Orangeslush

Fortunately

I think your DP needs to spend time with him and their relationship and trust re build, and then it should be fine surely?

@AnneLovesGilbert I agree. I’m with DP on this one, no way would I let a violent addict adult stepchild move back into my home with my very young children.

@Chickychoccyegg it might sound heartless but it’s realistic. The priority here is keeping the younger children safe. Thankfully the partner has more sense.

This

That's quite an heartless comment to make and it's not true being an ex addict myself and being a support worker, working with addicts people do and can change your comment is completely wrong

It doesn't even sound like he has asked to move back this is likely you feeling guilty and wanting one big happy family, which is potentially realistic.

If he's happy living with his work mate, leave him there. It sounds like he is doing well at the moment and that the responsibility could be good for him.

From a distance rebuilding relationships with you DC and DP could be easier especially with the added chaos of a new baby in the mix.

Sorry, meant to say potentially unrealistic

@elder12 can you not help him financially?
You can’t just move him in without your DP being in agreement… is it likely your DP will agree if he gets to know him again and be convinced he’s changed?

If I’m honest I’d be reluctant to want my adult stepkids moving into my home regardless of how lovely they are. It’s a big ask of the non-biological parent and you can’t ignore his feelings on this either, it’s his home as much as yours

I'd be offering to help him get back on his own two feet. A small flat or room in a house share. Maintain the relationship as it is currently and be there for him. In time your DP may come around and have a relationship with him too, but right now you can't force it.

I would choose my child over my DP without a second thought but it is DPs home too and no one should be moving in without each other’s permission.

Could you ask DP to compromise and say it’s just until he gets back on his feet and the second there is any inappropriate behaviour he will be gone straight away.

He was 17 and grew up in an abusive home, then his mum had another baby.
He’s had a lot to deal with and he’s (hopefully) much more mature than he was when he was a teen.

@Blueeyedmale it’s not wrong. Many addicts do relapse and if you’re in a position like this guy is now where he’s doing okay, introducing him back into a family home with a step dad and young children could cause jealousy / resentment issues, toxicity and trigger a relapse.

IMO it’s completely irresponsible for a mother of a young child and a brand new baby to welcome a man with a history of violence and addiction into the family home.

It’s easy for me to say, not being emotionally involved, but oh my word DO NOT let him move back in with you. What happens if a month turns into 6? Or the bad behaviour reignites?

if your ex was emotionally abusive then you’re probably an empath, ie a bit of a pushover (no offence, I am too). This is such a recipe for trouble.

I have 2 under 2 and my DSD (25) lives with us. She’s better now but it has been a nightmare at times, she’s messy and can be very stroppy/emotional. Trust me- the last thing you need with young kids is emotional turmoil in your own HOME.

it is NOT worth it, there is no upside for you, support him at arms length.

jeez I hardly ever comment on threads but reading your post has actually made me anxious on your behalf

It's not about choosing a child over a partner, it's about protecting the other children as well.
He was violent. Since OP doesn't say much about this, we don't know who he was violent with. Was it her? If so, she's currently pregnant and absolutely should be protecting her baby. It's just not worth the risk. That one instant of "inappropriate behaviour" could have fatal consequences for someone.

Where I was quoting you as wrong is you said once an addict always an addict you are right some do replase but there are many success stories people go on to have happy lives away from drugs, gain employment lead healthy lifestyle, even get married and have children not every addict is the same and many do change

Why go straight from seeing him fortnightly to moving him in. If he’s safe with his friend take it slowly. Start inviting him round. Get a relationship built again between him and your dp and build on his relationship with you and his brother. See him more often. Then maybe invite him for a night or a weekend. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.