How to introduce sex toys into your relationship

Bringing sex toys—whether it's a vibrator, cock ring or bullet—into your relationship might make you both excited and nervous, and it's completely normal to feel unsure about how to approach the topic with your partner.

But opening up about your desires can be incredibly empowering and can strengthen your connection. Clear, open communication and mutual consent are key ingredients to make using sex toys, like a butt plug or wand vibrator, enjoyable and comfortable for both of you.

In this article, we'll cover everything you need to break the ice: how to start the conversation, tips for choosing toys you'll both love, and advice on keeping things easy and fun. Whether you’re a total newbie or looking to add to your collection, use these tips to make using toys playful, exciting, and totally not awkward for the both of you.

Why consider sex toys in a relationship?

Sex toys aren't just about physical pleasure — they're a way to form deeper emotional connections and explore sides of each other you might not have discovered otherwise. As a Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Tracy King explains, "Sex toys can play a transformative role in enhancing intimacy within relationships by fostering communication, introducing novelty, and deepening emotional and physical connections."

Using them can open new lines of communication and build trust as you navigate new experiences together, as well as making you both feel good. As one Mumsnet user shared, “When I brought this up with my husband, he found it a turn on and it actually improved our sex life. He was in fact very intrigued and excited by the idea, which took me by surprise.”

Different kinds of sex toys can offer a huge variety of experiences, and they can even be vital in addressing different sexual needs. Dr. King notes that introducing toys can help “break the monotony that sometimes develops in long-term relationships.

“The novelty of trying something new, such as vibrators, couples’ toys, or remote-controlled devices, can create excitement and bring a sense of playfulness into the bedroom.

“This shared exploration helps couples rediscover pleasure together, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual curiosity.”

How to start the conversation

Talking about sex toys doesn't have to be embarrassing or difficult (although it’s totally normal to feel that way at first). Timing and setting matter. Choose a relaxed moment without pressures or distractions, like during a car journey or a quiet, private night in front of the telly.

A simple way to broach the subject could be:

"I’ve been thinking — how would you feel about exploring sex toys together? I think it could be fun and really bring us closer."

This open-ended approach allows for mutual exploration and expresses your intentions in a relaxed way.

A hand reaches into a drawer filled with sex toys next to the bed

Open communication is essential between couple's wishing to introduce sex toys

Choosing the right toys together

When it comes to introducing sex toys into your relationship, picking one together is all part of the fun. It's a good opportunity to explore what good sex means to you as a couple, whether that’s mutual or multiple orgasms, adding anal play, or exploring new types of stimulation.

Here’s a beginner’s guide to couple-friendly sex toys to give you somewhere to start.

1. Vibrators

Use a vibrator to stimulate your body's sensitive areas, like your clitoris, vagina, nipples, or anywhere else that takes your fancy. Available in various designs and intensities, vibrators can cater to a wide range of preferences.

Pros: They’re versatile, can pleasure both of you at once, and can be used before or during sex for added sensation.
Cons: You may need to experiment with different positions and settings to discover what resonates best for both of you.
Tip: Bullet vibrators are compact, discreet, and perfect for targeted stimulation. They’re a great pick for beginners or as a handy travel companion.

2. Cock ring toys

Worn around the penis during sex, cock ring toys can enhance erections by restricting blood flow and vibrating to stimulate both partners.

Pros: This is an easy way to shake up your routine and dial up the enjoyment of penetration for both partners.
Cons: Different cock rings may not fit every size comfortably, so you might need some trial and error.
Tips: Don’t wear the ring for more than 20-30 minutes at a time to avoid discomfort or circulation issues.

3. Butt plugs

Butt plugs come in an eclectic mix of sizes, shapes, and materials, making them a fantastic choice for anyone looking to explore anal play in a comfortable and exciting way.

Pros: There’s a reason these are so popular. Gentle pressure and stimulation to the sensitive nerve endings in the anal area can really enhance your orgasms.
Cons: If you’re just starting out with sex toys, anal play can feel ultra-intimate and a little bit intimidating.
Tips: Lubrication is your best friend. Use a good quality, water-based lube to make the experience smoother and more enjoyable.

4. Dildos

Dildos are a great first step into the world of sex toys. They're simple: penis-shaped toys for penetration. With lots of sizes and materials, there's one for every preference.

Pros: They’re great for penetration and exploring different sensations.
Cons: Some may find them intimidating or impersonal at first.
Tips: Consider starting with a smaller size and a material that feels comfortable, like silicone.

More tips on choosing sex toys

When choosing sex toys as a couple, always opt for body-safe materials like silicone or stainless steel, which are non-porous and easier to clean (yep, lots are even dishwasher safe).

Make time for a chat about what each partner is curious about trying, and respect each other’s limits. Starting with something simple, like a small vibrator, can help ease you into it.

Beginners should aim for toys that are straightforward to use. Working out what multiple buttons and dials do can be a real mood-killer, so focus on feeling good rather than figuring out how the toy works.

A man laying on top of a woman clothed in bed with the camera focused on their hands

Respect each other's limits at all times

Making it fun, not awkward

Having good fun (and good sex) is all about creating a safe, open, and enjoyable space where your desires are valued and explored. Here are three ways to introduce sex toys as a team:

1. Educate yourselves

Knowledge is power, and power is sexy. Take some time together to learn about different types of toys, how they work, and how they might enhance your experiences. If an in-person visit to Ann Summers sounds too daunting, browse sites like Lovehoney or SheSpot together, and check out guides and articles from places you trust. (Did we mention our roundups on the best clit suckers, best lube, and best vibrators?)

2. Start small

Start with something non-intimidating and interesting to both of you. It could be as simple as a gentle vibrating ring or a small external massager. The key is to choose something that you both feel excited to try.

3. Dream big

Create a wishlist of toys and experiences that make you curious. This list can be dynamic, growing and changing as you explore and learn more about what turns you on. It’s a great way to keep anticipation high and communication open.

Expert tips for success

Talking with your partner about why you want to introduce a sex toy is crucial, says Katie Fox, sex expert at Bondara. "Focus on what you already love about your sessions and reassure your partner that you feel it will help you add more fun and reach a new level of intimacy," Katie advises. It’s about enhancing, not compensating.

Katie points out a significant, often-overlooked fact about women’s sexual pleasure: "Fewer than one in five women say they can climax from vaginal intercourse alone." She advocates using vibrators as a means to help synchronise orgasms between partners, especially during sex.

How do I bring up the topic of sex toys without feeling embarrassed?

It's normal to feel a bit shy about broaching new ideas in the bedroom, especially when it involves sex toys. Try starting the conversation with curiosity. You might say, "I was reading about how sex toys can add something new, and I thought we could try it out together. What do you think?" Keep the tone light, showing that you're both on this journey together.

I struggle with ways to suggest we introduce toys without him feeling that it’s him that’s lacking. It’s just that I really like toys.

- HaggisBurger

What if my partner isn’t interested in using sex toys?

Respecting boundaries is crucial. If your partner is hesitant, try asking questions to understand where they’re coming from. Sometimes, hesitance stems from misconceptions or lack of information, and a gentle, informed conversation can help.

Related: Best sex toys for women here

Are there beginner-friendly toys we should try first?

Absolutely! Consider trying a small bullet vibrator, which you can try before or after sex. These are simple, effective, and a great way to introduce a playful element without overwhelming anyone.

How can we be safe when using sex toys?

Always opt for toys made from body-safe materials such as silicone or stainless steel. Read the instructions carefully, especially for toys with electronic components, and clean them as directed with mild soap and water.

If you're using lube, stick with something water-based. Silicone-based lubes aren’t always compatible with the material of your toy.

About the experts

Katie Fox is the go-to Sex Expert at Bondara, the online shop for sex toys, lingerie and bondage gear.
Dr. Tracy King is a Clinical Psychologist, Hypnotherapist, Jungian Life Coach, Yoga and Meditation Teacher, Spiritual Emergence Coach and writer.

About the author

With extensive experience in female-focused brands, Chloe’s work aims to make women's lives easier by curating game-changing products and essential hacks for busy people.

At Elvie, she writes about innovative breastfeeding and pelvic health products and reports on crucial conversations about postpartum support. With Bumble, Chloe helps shape the modern dating conversation through immersive dating guides and writing across the app.

Whether she’s demystifying tech innovations or championing love, Chloe’s writing is here to help.