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MIL is breaking me

(56 Posts)
Jenny221 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:01:18

I would like some advice. This will be a long post about my MIL but to understand the history. I will try and keep it short but if I had to tell you everything then I would need about 2 years of posts 3 times each day. LOL
So I am going to start at with I have been married to my husband for 4 years and together for about 6 years. We have 2 children My daughter 7 was adopted by my husband and now is legally his. (AWESOME ) She is such an energetic and lovable child. Our son is turning 2 in April he is the perfect example of a little boy we can’t even sit for 5 minutes due to the fact that he is always trying to “Damage” himself or his sister. LOL
1-So here comes the full story about my MIL. Ever since my husband placed this engagement ring onto my finger she has tried everything to break me completely. The day before we had the wedding she said to me that a person should not get married for money. My mother looked at her and said well we all know that your son doesn’t have money so this must be love. MIL stormed off and on the wedding day she sat crying for 2 hours in front of our guests because my husband confronted her because she started caring away all juice and champagne on the tables the exact time was 18:00 about right after we had our meal.
2-When I got pregnant with my son we had a high rate for Down syndrome that they picked up in my blood tests. She was visiting us when I received the phone call, I told my husband and started to cry. While searching the internet on what a Amniocentesis really was. She jumped up from the couch and said that the baby would die and there is nothing we can do. At that moment I had a cup of tea in my hands and I emotionally had a really bad outburst and threw the cup at the wall and walked away. This was not my finest moment but all I could see in front of me at that moment was someone who trying to wish the baby inside of me dead. I apologised she called my SIL and the entire family telling them that I was acting like a child and that I threw a tantrum. Till this day she has not apologized.
3- When my son was born I went into labour at 34 weeks, the doctor explained to me that if I were to tear 5 more centimetres that I would have died of a unitary rupture. She started laughing and walked out. My son was in the neonatal ward for 3 weeks and during that time she was living with me my husband was out of town for work and my mother stays about 12hours away from me so she was my only option due to the fact that I could not drive. We went to visit my son and she made a remark that she hopes his brains aren’t all messed up because he is so early. When my son came home my daughter was struggling to adjust to the new baby that just interrupted her whole life so she was a little emotional one morning afraid that I would not come and get her from school because of the new baby. My MIL had to drop her off and while I was comforting her my MIL ripped her from my arms and started yelling at her and said that she must walk to school because she will not be dropping her off because she hates her. I confronted her and said that she is 5 and you are 60 you should stop acting like a child.
OK I am almost done…
4- This is one of the biggest ones about a month ago she came to visit again. She was in my bedroom busy sorting/packing my husband cupboard when I got home from dropping off the kids at school. I have previously spoken to her regarding not going into my bedroom as I feel that my bedroom is my personal space and that should be respected. I asked her to please leave my bedroom and that I do not like it that she is in there as I told her before. She stormed off and not even 10 minutes after I received a phone call from my husband yelling at me that his mother wants to leave and that I am the worst person in the world. I was in total shock. I went to look for her to tell her once again I am sorry that I asked you to leave my bedroom because according to my husband I am a phyco and have issues. She then out of nowhere started screaming at the top of her lungs telling me that her son doesn’t deserve me that I am white trash that I will never be anything. I then calmly took off my wedding ring and placed it on the counter and said that she got what she wanted and I left.
I switched off my phone the entire day and just drove around town. I picked up my kids from school and dropped them off at aftercare and my husband was waiting outside. He said that how dare I take off my wedding and throw it at his mother. My mouth hung open and I just started crying again I told him exactly what happened and he asked me to go home and apologize to his mom once again I stood my ground and did not go until she left. And during this time my SIL wrote me a couple of mean texts. She has not apologized yet.
So our little family is going away on a trip this Easter weekend and guess who decided to crash it? I haven’t spoken to her since the fight and my husband does not realize how much it has affected me emotionally. I have told him how I feel but I feel that all these things keep happening and I am the only one caring the hurt. He doesn’t understand what I am going through and I have decided to see a lawyer and get a divorce as I cannot continue going through this pain. My decision hasn’t just been placed on my MIL but also on my marriage with my husband. That I will talk about on a later stage.

Fishface77 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:05:39

They all sound awful.
Tell her due to her lies she isn’t allowed in your house unless your H is there.
I couldn’t live with a weak spineless shit of a man like that either.

ShiftyMcGifty Thu 22-Mar-18 12:06:06

Have I missed the part you want advice on or did your post get cut off?

Oddish Thu 22-Mar-18 12:09:24

If you can’t get you DH on side things will never improve.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Mar-18 12:11:16

I'm sorry you are going through this.
There are some seriously batshit crazy MIL's out there, mainly of boys, which I find weird but there you go.
You are doing exactly the right thing.
Divorcing your spineless husband is the best thing all round.
He can then see his mother when ever he likes!
He doesn't have your back at all.
No doubt he is in FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) but you've tried and it hasn't worked out.
For your own MH - well done.
Get yourself and DC away from it all ASAP.

Jenny221 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:12:45

Looks like it was cut off. {hmm}
My question is that am I over reacting and are there another daughter in-laws in similar situations?

Oliversmumsarmy Thu 22-Mar-18 12:13:26

You cant be married to a racist.

I don't get why your dh thinks you should apologize

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Mar-18 12:22:13

I don't think you are overreacting.
Has your husband read any books about toxic mothers?
Would he read them?
Would he agree that you go no contact with her and he can still have a relationship with her?
If not then divorce is your only other option to make sure you don't have to have any contact with her.

Jenny221 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:27:06

I have suggested that he not involve me in planning to see his mother as I do not have the emotional strength to sit and pretend like her presence does not effect me. He then invited her on our vacation without listening to a word I have said, so asking him to even read a book regarding this matter is useless.
He does not realize that she is so manipulative and she has him right where she wants him.
There have been some occasions that he has stood up for me but he never really gets the picture.

Bitsandbobsalot Thu 22-Mar-18 12:30:13

My mil and sil tried destroyed my marriage. My dh stood up for me every time they did something or said something. He always backed me with what I wanted to do about it. When his mother was sneaky and told lies he always believed me or at the very least spoke to me before he reacted. We ended up nc with his db and sil because of the awful way they treated myself and our kids. We are also now very low contact with his d(?)m. Life is 1000 times better.

I’m heart really went out to you. She’s behaved appallingly. I’m not surprised your at the end of the road with it. The biggest problem you have tho is a dh problem it’s HIS mother not yours to handle. He should not be standing by and letting her treat you this way. Why is she at your home so much ? I couldn’t stand all that with anyone least of all a nasty mil.
Tbh going from what you’ve said divorce is probably the best option. I don’t think your over reacting at all. Your not the crazy one in this situation that’s for sure.

Thistlebelle Thu 22-Mar-18 12:33:16

This is an MN cliche but:

You don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.

He invited her on your family holiday without asking you even though last time she stayed the argument was so bad you threatened to leave? shock

You need to deal with your DH.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 22-Mar-18 12:33:40

She sounds horrendous, I don't think you're over-reacting, but I don't understand why your husband is taking her side? He sounds pathetic if he can't understand why you are upset.

I would cancel the weekend away, sounds like it would be too stressful.

Crack on with the divorce. Sorry. flowers

BubbleAndSquark Thu 22-Mar-18 12:34:12

I wouldn't have someone like that around me or my children.
Tell DP if he wants to go on holiday with someone who disrespects his wife like that then him and her can go alone and you and DC will go somewhere else on holiday.

Happymummy1991 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:36:08

God I thought I had the MIL from hell. Mine is a lot more subtle. I'm amazed that you didn't just cut contact with her years ago!
My MIL is a covert narcissist and I just don't speak to her at all. I have nothing to do with her. My DH doesn't see it and he still has a very good relationship with her. He goes to visit and is in regular contact with her. I don't get involved in their relationship but I won't have her in my house. It's hard for him and I think he thinks I will come round and talk to her again one day (No chance) but he just gets on with it.
I feel for you OP as I know how hard it is when DH can't see that his parent is toxic. I would say that if your marriage is an otherwise happy one then tell DH you won't have any more to do with his mother and won't have her in your house. Not a request! Just that that is how it's going to be from now on.
On the other hand, if there are other problems in your marriage and you are unhappy with him then divorce may be the way to go.
Sending you strength and hugs.

mumoffivegirls Thu 22-Mar-18 12:36:24

I would let him and his mother go on holiday and you do something else with your children, nobody deserves to be treated like that and you don't need those negative people in your life bringing you down

Gemini69 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:39:54

your MIL is bad.. but your Husband is not supporting you.. he's siding with your MIL.. your Husband is your larger problem Lady flowers

ohfourfoxache Thu 22-Mar-18 12:42:19

You definitely have a “d”h problem.

And iiwy I would be divorcing him.

They both sound like cunts.

Marieamy96 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:44:23

What you are going through is horrible. Your DH is spineless for not standing up to his racist mother. If they continue to abuse you like this save any messages and show them to the police.

Divorcing him is the best option as he is not willing to grow up. I know this sounds extreme but I wouldn't want any of them near my children, they may poison them against you. Look into ways to minimise the children's contact with the family as much as possible if you can't ban them completely.

GreenTulips Thu 22-Mar-18 12:46:06

Well done on swing a divorce lawyer

You will be happier without my of them

Please don't go on the weekend - use this time to pack (his stuff) and sort yourself out. He can live with his mother !

Who owns the house?

diddl Thu 22-Mar-18 12:53:07

Does she live with you?

I don't understand why she is at appointments with you, packing your husband's stuff or taking your daughter to school tbh.

Jenny221 Thu 22-Mar-18 12:55:08

To answer everyone's questions.
1- LOL I think there was a misunderstanding regarding the "white trash" statement. We are a White couple hehehe.
2- I do realize now that what some of you are saying that he is the problem and you are right I will sometime post about what he does and how he treats me.
3- If I cancel the weekend away my children will be devastated as we are going to the beach my children have never been, so taking this away from them will really be the hard part. And I cannot see that as a option.
4- We travel from town to town for his work so everytime we move she comes to visit.
5- The earliest appointment I could get was for after Easter. Maybe while waiting to see the divorce lawyer. I can decide and see if this marriage is really over.
Thank you for all your support!

FizzyGreenWater Thu 22-Mar-18 12:55:49

You have a DH problem.

To be honest, I would get rid. He doesn't sound worth the hassle.

DesperateforSPRING Thu 22-Mar-18 12:56:00

My mother looked at her and said well we all know that your son doesn’t have money so this must be love

Sorry only got as far as this - punching the air , how lucky you are what a fabulous riposte!

diddl Thu 22-Mar-18 12:56:10

Just seen that you will be looking into divorce.


If you don't go on holiday-would the kids be safe?

DesperateforSPRING Thu 22-Mar-18 13:02:37

I dont understand why you cant put your foot down and say no we are not going if she is coming.

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