MIL is breaking me

[Jenny221]

I would like some advice. This will be a long post about my MIL but to understand the history. I will try and keep it short but if I had to tell you everything then I would need about 2 years of posts 3 times each day. LOL
So I am going to start at with I have been married to my husband for 4 years and together for about 6 years. We have 2 children My daughter 7 was adopted by my husband and now is legally his. (AWESOME ) She is such an energetic and lovable child. Our son is turning 2 in April he is the perfect example of a little boy we can’t even sit for 5 minutes due to the fact that he is always trying to “Damage” himself or his sister. LOL
1-So here comes the full story about my MIL. Ever since my husband placed this engagement ring onto my finger she has tried everything to break me completely. The day before we had the wedding she said to me that a person should not get married for money. My mother looked at her and said well we all know that your son doesn’t have money so this must be love. MIL stormed off and on the wedding day she sat crying for 2 hours in front of our guests because my husband confronted her because she started caring away all juice and champagne on the tables the exact time was 18:00 about right after we had our meal.
2-When I got pregnant with my son we had a high rate for Down syndrome that they picked up in my blood tests. She was visiting us when I received the phone call, I told my husband and started to cry. While searching the internet on what a Amniocentesis really was. She jumped up from the couch and said that the baby would die and there is nothing we can do. At that moment I had a cup of tea in my hands and I emotionally had a really bad outburst and threw the cup at the wall and walked away. This was not my finest moment but all I could see in front of me at that moment was someone who trying to wish the baby inside of me dead. I apologised she called my SIL and the entire family telling them that I was acting like a child and that I threw a tantrum. Till this day she has not apologized.
3- When my son was born I went into labour at 34 weeks, the doctor explained to me that if I were to tear 5 more centimetres that I would have died of a unitary rupture. She started laughing and walked out. My son was in the neonatal ward for 3 weeks and during that time she was living with me my husband was out of town for work and my mother stays about 12hours away from me so she was my only option due to the fact that I could not drive. We went to visit my son and she made a remark that she hopes his brains aren’t all messed up because he is so early. When my son came home my daughter was struggling to adjust to the new baby that just interrupted her whole life so she was a little emotional one morning afraid that I would not come and get her from school because of the new baby. My MIL had to drop her off and while I was comforting her my MIL ripped her from my arms and started yelling at her and said that she must walk to school because she will not be dropping her off because she hates her. I confronted her and said that she is 5 and you are 60 you should stop acting like a child.
OK I am almost done…
4- This is one of the biggest ones about a month ago she came to visit again. She was in my bedroom busy sorting/packing my husband cupboard when I got home from dropping off the kids at school. I have previously spoken to her regarding not going into my bedroom as I feel that my bedroom is my personal space and that should be respected. I asked her to please leave my bedroom and that I do not like it that she is in there as I told her before. She stormed off and not even 10 minutes after I received a phone call from my husband yelling at me that his mother wants to leave and that I am the worst person in the world. I was in total shock. I went to look for her to tell her once again I am sorry that I asked you to leave my bedroom because according to my husband I am a phyco and have issues. She then out of nowhere started screaming at the top of her lungs telling me that her son doesn’t deserve me that I am white trash that I will never be anything. I then calmly took off my wedding ring and placed it on the counter and said that she got what she wanted and I left.
I switched off my phone the entire day and just drove around town. I picked up my kids from school and dropped them off at aftercare and my husband was waiting outside. He said that how dare I take off my wedding and throw it at his mother. My mouth hung open and I just started crying again I told him exactly what happened and he asked me to go home and apologize to his mom once again I stood my ground and did not go until she left. And during this time my SIL wrote me a couple of mean texts. She has not apologized yet.
So our little family is going away on a trip this Easter weekend and guess who decided to crash it? I haven’t spoken to her since the fight and my husband does not realize how much it has affected me emotionally. I have told him how I feel but I feel that all these things keep happening and I am the only one caring the hurt. He doesn’t understand what I am going through and I have decided to see a lawyer and get a divorce as I cannot continue going through this pain. My decision hasn’t just been placed on my MIL but also on my marriage with my husband. That I will talk about on a later stage.

You should also use this time to get your important documents together. There is a comprehensive list on this page

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

I’ve used this list myself when dh and I were going through a bad patch (also IL related), so please don’t feel that it doesn’t apply to you just because it was created primarily for victims of domestic violence

I'm sorry but your problem is with your husband, he isn't really standing up for you at all and displays no loyalty to you.
There is no way I'd go with mil on holiday and I'd be keeping my children from her, dh would be going on his own.

Given the fact that there is clearly far more going on with your marriage and how he treats you than this (and this alone is a DH problem) yes you have a husband issue in that he isnt being one

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrific.

Your MIL's behaviour is inexcusable. However, it would be survivable - eminently so - if your DH was on your side.

Unfortunately, he isn't. He's seeing himself as stuck between two women, with no sense of the injustice that you are facing. It's really unfair of him just to expect that you put up with this nonsense because she is his mother. No amount of family loyalty excuses someone acting this way.

I really, really think you have to consider leaving. That means think about actually leaving, not making a dramatic gesture towards leaving, not threatening to leave, but actually taking some preliminatry steps. I would patiently, and quietly seek some legal advice about your position and start to work out your financial situation.

Your mil sounds like my sil and brother. Your sil sounds like my mother.

I am nc with my sil and brother. It is bliss knowing that I will not have to be in their presence again nor have my dd treated in a vile manner. I’m low contact with my mother. She is difficult and seriously fucked me up.

I know it’s hard. For a very long time my dh thought I caused the issues with them because he couldn’t get his head round what I suffered as a child. I was brainwashed into believing there was something seriously wrong with me.

Your dh is in the fog. He is protecting his mother because he had to as a child. His very existence depended on it and he hasn’t got past this stage. He’s stuck in the dynamic.

Bottom line, there is nothing you can do to change their behaviour. Your dh can’t help himself because he has no tools to do so and isn’t interested in getting any. You can be the most wonderful and supportive and loving wife you want. He’s still not going to get it.

So what do you want to happen? And what are you prepared to do to make it happen? Patio filling is not an option btw. 😩

Are you prepared to say. She goes or you and the children go. But not both. And stick to it? If he gets verbally abusive you can get ask to leave. Would he do that?

This sounds awful OP
My own dm is very controlling and it took me a long time to realise it. She tried to do the same type of things that your mil did to my dh.

So, I've since lost contact with my dm (very difficult because she's so controlling an manipulative) and stuck by my dh as I love & trust him fully (as that is what a marriage should be about).

As pigmcpigface said, your husband needs to be on your side. However I don't think that divorce is the answer - but your husband is going to have to do some serious thinking. If he loves you, trusts you and wants his marriage to work he will have to break contact with his mother. Psychologically it will be really difficult for him to do this. (I know this for a fact; I've been there with a very clever, very manipulative mother - ( Stockholm syndrome )) - but (as I think you both probably already know, that he has to get rid of his mil from your relationship if he wants it to work.

If he is unwilling to recognise this, then, unfortunately, divorce seems to be your only option.

Good luck xxx

Jenny221, are you in the UK? Because the USA are way ahead on recognising Narcissistic Personality Disorder and counselling victims of it. Family courts in the UK are just beginning to see how it affects families here. It is seriously destructive of wider family’s lives, be prepared for DH to go for residency of your DC on his mother’s say so. Your parents could potentially be prevented from seeing their DGC.

It happened to my EXH when he married a woman with NPD, when their marriage broke down she worked on the DC they had together and they refused to see him, before that she alienated them from their GM and also my DS from EXH and me, and she alienated DS from me before that. We were reunited 2 yrs ago. My EXH has not been so lucky, he has not seen his other dc for years, and even he admitted he didn’t know the half of what she had done behind his back.

Your DH is well and truly entrenched in the FOG and it’s not simple to just break away as some posters imply. MIL will resist him breaking away with every type of emotional blackmail possible.

I had a previous relationship destroyed by a toxic MIL and SIL. Very toxic individuals. Get out now while you still have your sanity intact.

you don’t have a MIL problem yes he bloody does!! Just because she also has a shit DH who has taken his mother’s side doesn’t mean the mother isn’t a problem.

I would leave him for speaking to me like that, taking her side and continuing to inflict her on me. Go on the holiday for your kids sake but start getting your ducks in a row right now for separation. Print out your OP when he asks for an explanation.

*yes she does

I know you don't want to cancel the holiday but I would. Yes your kids will be upset but you can do it another time, it's better then them watching you slowly crumble from being exposed to Mil or at worst witnessing Mil scream at you and having your h back her up.
I would get your paperwork in order and then tell your husband that him constantly taking his mother's side, being rude to you, forcing you into things without discussing them first is making you consider separating.
He'll either take it in and fight for your marriage or show his colours and tell you to leave him.

My MIL told me I was common and FIL said my mother was a 'slut' who couldn't control herself around black men (her partner of 6 years). DH went NC with them and that's how it stayed. Your husband should deal with her NYP.

She sounds horrendous and I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long your dh is enabling her, so without his support the situation will never get any better.

With regards to easter I’d be telling your dh that if she goes, you and your dc won’t be going. The dc will be fine, you could even arrange a break to a different beach with them or lots of lovely days out, just the three of you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It isn't normal and you don't deserve it.

If you want to try and fix things with your DH I'd suggest writing everything down like you have here and showing it to him. It may be that you get emotional (understandably) when you try to talk to him about it so he just isn't getting it. I have real problems communicating verbally about topics like this because I end up wailing and crying everywhere.

If you're confident he knows your side of things and he's treating you like this anyway then you need to leave for your own sake and your childrens. From the way you describe her I'd be afraid of letting her anywhere near my daughter.

No matter what, keep repeating to yourself that you do not deserve this. You have done nothing wrong.

p.s your mum sounds ace x

Why can't he take the kids and his mother and give you a break?

Grrrrr....that messing around in your bedroom really rings a bell with me. I tried everything (apart from telling her to fuck off, which is what I should have done) to stop my (ex now) husband's mother coming into our bedroom and going through the dirty clothes basket, dragging things out to wash, unasked. When they were staying with us once I locked my bedroom door before going out, and hid the key. Came home to find door unlocked, FiL triumphant that he'd managed to find it! Oblivious or what? Next time I went out I took the key with me, came home to find husband had kicked in the door in a temper because he wanted something and couldn't find the key. Sometimes you just can't win

Your husband is creep, and things will only get worse, and you'll feel more and more resentful at being not even in second place.

I have an awful and toxic narcissistic mil. The thing is dh has been very badly damaged by her and it has affected our relationship in such a way that it finished us. Not just her behaviour but the way he is because of her.

Why do you keep apologising to her? Stop doing that for starters and stick up for yourself.
Also it's not for your husband to decide whether you end the marriage or not. If you left your ring on the side and told you to apologise to his mother..Why did You?
You need to get tough now and realise you are in charge of your own decisions.
Personally, I would leave him and then take the kids to the beach any day you like!

you shouldnt have gone back the last time

he wont change and nor will she-you wil always come second to him is that the sort of life u want

Please don't go on holiday OP, she will have lots of games planned and head fucks.
I wouldn't let my children near this woman, keep a diary of what she says and does especially screaming at your dd and at you in front of the dc.
If you divorce I'd be insisting on supervised contact if she wanted to see them.
You will never be happy with this man, he's not going to change.
The kids will get over missing a holiday, please don't use them as an excuse not to push ahead with a divorce or missed holiday.
Things will only worsen in this situation.
What things will she say about you to the dc when they are older, will she try the same tricks as she has with dh, or will she treat them like she treated you.
Your kids will be better off the minute you leave this toxic family.

You have my sympathy for putting up with MIL awful behaviour.

Unfortunately, your DH is on her side.....so you are never going to win this battle.

Good luck for the future.

I guess I am going to be the lone voice on here saying you sound a bit unreasonable. Many people write on here with MIL issues and they are very clearcut. The way you have written you message suggests a few issues (all that could get reach a better place with a bit of thought). Your message is extremely subjective in all the problems.

1 - She could have made that as conversation and was torn apart for a comment she thought was ok (seeing as her son doesn’t have money as you both said to her). She could have meant it was nice to see people marry for love and you and your mother ganged up on her.
2 - Amniocentesis comes with a risk, everyone knows that and maybe she felt that taking the risk was too much, she was present, she cared to be present at that time(this was not over a phone call) and you threw a cup of tea at the wall. She was not wishing a baby dead, just fearing that the test might make it so (is that not a viable interpretation?)
3 - I very much doubt she started laughing at your diagnosis - again she was present in the situation because it mattered to her. She made a comment that bothered you. She ‘told your daughter she hated her’ - none of this sounds realistic - your intrepretation of very specific incidents is now sounding like a hysterical intrepretation.
4 - Again she may cross boundaries, but seeing as she has present for much of the aftercare of the child, you seem a little unhinged - wedding ring off - driving around town - tea thrown at the wall - you need to breathe; if you have an issue with her (and the above is very much your own issue) speak to her. I have no doubt your DP has trouble sitting down and communicating rationally with you also? I don’t mean that in a mean way, I just think, you may be a little too reactive to things that are not necessarily personally directed. Chip on the shoulder comes to mind.

I would love to hear her side of this story because this is certainly not a classic slam the MIL thread.

eradinus

I think your post sounds a bit unreasonable. Your post is extremely subjective in all the problems.

1 It sounds as if mil was toxic even before marrying.
2 Mil made the risk to ops baby all about her. Again. A recurrent theme.
3 You clearly have no concept of what it is to have toxic relations. The things toxic so called adults say to children or how they treat children is incredibly shocking. Adults let children be sexually abused for example. Why is what her mil said so unrealistic?
4 Op was at the end of her tether. Denying a posters experience and calling them unhinged makes you look well...unhinged.

I would love it if people didn’t post under the guise of being a lone voice when actually they are gas lighting and bullying.

Divorce sounds like a good idea

OP - I have tried to respond to your PM. I’m not sure if my message has sent. However, I wanted to let you know that this situation you’re in sounds terrible.