Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband walked out..... no support(34 Posts)
My husband walked out on me on Tuesday and I'm in pieces. Things hadn't been great, due to work, mother with dementia and other stuff I've been depressed and not myself for a long time. I haven't been nice to him and I know it's all my fault but I buried my head in the sand and just tried to get through every day, I took him for granted, constantly rejected him as depression meant I had no sex drive and never thought he would leave me. Now he has and I feel like life is not worth living anymore. I have 2 beautiful girls but I can't even stop crying in front of them. Eldest (his step daughter) is taking it really hard, she already has mental health issues and her biological dad is a joke so to all intents and purposes he is her dad. Our youngest idolises him and just keeps crying for him. I just want him back, I recognise my problems now and went to the Drs today. She gave me a referral to health in mind and a prescription fraud r anti depressants but I'm scared to take them incase it makes things worse or he thinks I'm weak (not very understanding of depression etc). I keep texting him, begging him to reconsider and making my intentions clear on wanting to be the girl I used to be that he fell in love with. I made the worst decision tonight and have sat alone drinking, I'm now crying my eyes out, proper big snotty sobs and also have alcohol induced libido so want him desperately (oh the irony). No support network as my only real best friend lives miles away so I see her once or twice a year if I'm lucky. All my other friend are more work acquaintances than proper friends I feel I can confide in. As I mentioned earlier my mum has dementia and can't even hold a conversation and my dad died 7 years ago. I feel so alone, i can't face work (I'm a teacher so it's not really a 'go in and have a little cry at your desk if you need it' profession.) I can't face talking to anyone I know and telling them what's happened, I just want to run away and never come back.
Big hug OP sounds terrible. You really need to focus on yourself and getting yourself back to at least a level of stability where you can cope and try to be present for your kids. Please try and focus on that. I can't say whether your DH will change his mind. I'm not sure whether that is even that important right now, you are and your kids are and if you need him to come back and take care of them whilst you take some time out to get some help or downtime then maybe suggest that?
Hi Swift, just read your post and wanted to offer you a massive, supportive hug ((()))). Oh please call your best mate tomorrow and let all this out. You need to talk to someone who knows you. Sounds like you've been going through incredibly stressful time with your mum having dementia. It's a very difficult illness to deal with. I would urge you to use the antidepressants while you are climbing this steep hill. It doesn't matter what your DH's feelings are about this medication - it's YOUR mental health, not his. You could always try calling the Samaritans also for someone to listen to you while you're going through this. I'm sending you tons of strength Swift. You're bound to be distressed but your primary concern has to be looking after yourself so that you can be there for your DC. Ask for support from GP, get a counselling referral and get the help you need. But hugs
Bless you,my hubbie has left me and I have some support but a dad with cancer and incredibly stressful life ATM
Take your time,as far as anti depressants if that's what you need then so be it, if you broke your leg you would use a crutch, same thing in my opinion
It's very early days, is your DH seeing the girls?
Can he help practically...mine is an utter tosser and not seeing them which doesn't help
When he first left I avoided the booze as I would have been exactly the same, sending you lots of strength, you will need it.
I found talking here has really helped x
Thank you for all your support. Haven't been in to work since Tuesday, I've told them why and now I'm that just makes it worse. Dd2 goes to the same school and I took her in today as it was the first day I felt able to but had to hide from the kids in my class as I can't face the questions about why I'm not in. Don't ever want to go back, I feel like such a failure. My class is extremely difficult which has added to the depression. I just want to take both girls out of school/college and run away for a while to a cottage in the middle of nowhere where I don't have to deal with this. But obviously I can't do or afford this. Dd1 has her 18th next week and it's my birthday the day before. Don't feel like I have anything to celebrate and don't want to let poor dd1 down on her 'big' birthday
Sometimes life is utterly overwhelming. It sounds like you have had so much to deal with. Don't blame yourself for your husband leaving. We all have low points and that's when we rely on our partners to support us not leave. I've been where you are and just wanted to say you will get through it. Life gets so much better. X
He is phoning to speak to dd2 twice a day, is currently sleeping on the floor of the shop he works in so hasn't seen them since weds as it's about an hour away, has plans to see dd2 on Sunday morning and to have her overnight at his mums next weds. Dd1 doesn't want to see him and so he is respecting that but has sent her a text to tell her he loves her.
You are not a failiure, you have two wonderful daughters, who have a wonderful mum.
You just want everything to be right for them. It will be, because you will get there
Swift please feel free to message, I discovered my DH affair a week before my be 18th.
I know the feeling of wanting to run away, 7 months in I still feel it and my DH did exactly that ...ran from the reality but you can't run forever at some point someone has to hold things together,that's not saying don't give yourself time and get advice support etc but the world still turns and the girls need you, you need each other.i have become so much closer to my dc.
We are a little team,it's bloody hard and I get it wrong often but we have each other and I will never let them down
I had a few days off but I find although work is hard it's a distraction, however if you find your job stressful I can understand not going, is your boss supportive? I totally understand the pressures of parents being ill and for DH to leave when you need him most is shite.
I tried to be too strong and it isn't good, cry as much as you need but give your girls time too.its not easy but you can get through it.
Does he want to come back or try
I Haven't slept more than an hour or so or eaten since he left. I want to be a better mum but it just feels like this hill is just too steep to climb.
He says he doesn't want to live this way and he doesn't know if he can get over it and give it another go. I know he is finding it incredibly hard being separated from the children but that just makes him hate
Me more I think as it is all my fault I wouldn't be nicer to him.
It's not your fault
My hubbie used the excuse for his affair that she paid him attention wtf
We were together 25 yrs two kids one mild Sen,my dad the only parent left and facing the most horrific cancer, yes my hubbie was not the priority at this point in my life, neither is yours, you have 2 dd an ill parent with a really difficult illness a job and a home to keep going.
He needs to support you not walk away,he is supposed to love you and be there, would you have walked away if the shoe was on the other foot.
This really is not your fault x
Please please look after yourself. Please try and eat, please at least get some rest. I know you are probably churning everything over in your mind continually which is preventing you sleeping but you do need to take care. Your kids need you. Actually they need him too and walking out is not going to solve anything. Take the anti depressants. If you aren't happy about that go back to the GP and perhaps ask for help with the sleeping for a while. I agree with another poster that getting back to work may indeed help (although having experienced a similar situation you will probably feel slightly unreal at work or maybe best way to describe it is like being wrapped in cling film, everything is muffled) but it may well help.
Oh and OP lay off the booze whilst you are fragile. Big hug xxx
He chose not to get to judge on whether you take antidepressants or not, when he walked out. That's your decision to make.
Be kind to yourself. Try to have a good sleep, if you can (the alcohol may or may not help, there, but steer clear of any more or else you'll feel truly shite) and get yourself ready to use the weekend more constructively, if you can. Try not to waste your emotional energy on begging texts - whatever his actual reason for leaving, whether your fault or not, they won't change his mind, unfortunately.
One thing to focus on is to be prepared for what may come. Make sure you can access all your financial details, accounts, insurance policies, loans etc and get copies of all of his, too, if he's left anything behind.
And maintain the conversation about your DD's - they're plainly hurting as much as you and DD1 obviously feels very angry with him and probably feels utterly abandoned.
But yes, we have no idea whether he was justified in leaving or not - I suspect you're being rather hard on yourself - but even if you'd been utterly awful, it's still very raw and painful for you
Oh, and take the tablets. You don't even have to mention them to him. They take a few weeks to kick in, so there will be no sudden dramatic changes in your personality that you'll feel forced to explain.
Not slept at all tonight. Texted him all night like an absolute twat, no reply. When dd1 called him this morning for her morning chat he told her to tell mummy that he couldn't reply to her texts last night as he couldn't see straight (drunk). But to tell me he would read them and text me back, that was 2 hours ago and still no reply..... I feel worse than ever now. I sent him another text to say we needed to talk face to face ASAP without dds around and when can we do this. Still nothing. Numb feeling of the first few days has worn off and now I just feel physically and emotionally in the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
Swift I have been thinking about you, I know that pain, it is actually physical.
Stop texting him, you are torturing yourself, you need sleep and space to get things right in your head, talking face to face now will end poorly as your so emotionally charged.
He should also not be passing messages through dd that is not helpful and not fair on her.
I would advise to stop contact for the moment and sort your head space out, get some rest get some food, a duvet day with the girls, they will be all over the place too and are getting dragged into what should be between the two of you.
If you talk to him today face to face you will be an emotional wreck, I know I was.please look after yourself.get a brew and some food and make s list of things that need doing, you still need to function on a daily basis for you and the girls x
Oh swift we all feel your pain and know it too well. I second what others have said, try to not drink. It only clouds the issue, makes you text things you wouldn't normally say then the next day you wake feeling worse for wear.
Easier said than done but if you can not text him and focus on you and your children. I personally found that anti depressants helped in he short term to get through each day but it's personal choice.
People are lovely on here and always around to offer support - you're not alone. Shower, get dressed, deep breath and small steps.......
You need to pull it together, you know that, turning into a big mess isn't going to help encourage him to come back. It will do the opposite. You can't guilt him into returning,
Put on uour big girl pants, have a shower, something to eat. Stop hassling him, put uour make up on, try to behave reasonably.
You'll get through this, you just need to pull it together, I'm sorry,,💐
Right. You are in crisis so you need crisis measures.
As you know, no matter how big your crisis is, the world carries on regardless.
So, is your mum's care in place? If your mum is able to retain the info, explain your h and you have separated at the momen, so you are under pressure. Shen at be able to comfort you. If not, then let her carers care while you get yourself back on your feet.
Stop drinking now. That part of your journey is done. Have a shower, blow dry your hair, put on nice clothes, then make eggs and toast and take your anti depressants.
Don't call your h.
Speak to your daughters. Tell them you know you have been very upset, but now you are starting to recover. Reassure them.
Get online and order birthday gifts, decorations and cake for your dd. Order yourself a lovely diary too. This is where you will plot and plan your recovery.
That will probably wipe yÒÚ out for today.
Tomorrow spend the day getting ready for work. Nice clothes etc. prepare your response for people who ask how you are. 'Difficult time. My husband and I have separated' is plenty and people will cut you some slack.
Be very kind to yourself on your birthday - but don't drink.
Celebrate with your de on her birthday, and just try to get through the week.
First steps only, but the next ones will follow.
Swift just read all your threads , you are walking my journey , 20 months on I got through it , but it was a major emotional roller coaster you are broken you got even lift your head up from the floor, it's so painful more than pain than you have ever felt in your life ! My heart breaks for you , all you need to do is breathe rest and trout think about anything else , booze is crap but you think it's a release but it isn't it makes you feel like you are in dreaded doom and gloom the next day 😢 Keep posting and remember 1 hr at a time is all you need to think about ❤️
swift....keep talking to us. Lots of us have been there...I'm a teacher too and found the job so hard to do. want in antidepressants which did help...had some time off then found that work helped to stop the constant chatter in my head. it's too soon to make big decisions. Get in solid ground...I found that xh suddenly saw the old me again...but by this time I had decided I didn't want him...ow involved. Was there something that finally pushed him out? You have been under great pressure he should support you. You have been let down and time to get angry...not easy I know. I'm ashamed to say I text constantly...it's awful as you want to talk..men often don't!! If I could go back in time i'd go nc as it only mad me look mad and confirm his opinion. ...
As soon as I stopped he was the one that contacted. Tell him no messages via DD's. sending you a big hug ()
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.