Husband walked out..... no support

[Swift1978]

My husband walked out on me on Tuesday and I'm in pieces. Things hadn't been great, due to work, mother with dementia and other stuff I've been depressed and not myself for a long time. I haven't been nice to him and I know it's all my fault but I buried my head in the sand and just tried to get through every day, I took him for granted, constantly rejected him as depression meant I had no sex drive and never thought he would leave me. Now he has and I feel like life is not worth living anymore. I have 2 beautiful girls but I can't even stop crying in front of them. Eldest (his step daughter) is taking it really hard, she already has mental health issues and her biological dad is a joke so to all intents and purposes he is her dad. Our youngest idolises him and just keeps crying for him. I just want him back, I recognise my problems now and went to the Drs today. She gave me a referral to health in mind and a prescription fraud r anti depressants but I'm scared to take them incase it makes things worse or he thinks I'm weak (not very understanding of depression etc). I keep texting him, begging him to reconsider and making my intentions clear on wanting to be the girl I used to be that he fell in love with. I made the worst decision tonight and have sat alone drinking, I'm now crying my eyes out, proper big snotty sobs and also have alcohol induced libido so want him desperately (oh the irony). No support network as my only real best friend lives miles away so I see her once or twice a year if I'm lucky. All my other friend are more work acquaintances than proper friends I feel I can confide in. As I mentioned earlier my mum has dementia and can't even hold a conversation and my dad died 7 years ago. I feel so alone, i can't face work (I'm a teacher so it's not really a 'go in and have a little cry at your desk if you need it' profession.) I can't face talking to anyone I know and telling them what's happened, I just want to run away and never come back.

Tried to pull my shit together a bit today, got dressed and even put on some washing. Then my eldest fell apart, locked herself in the car and then text me to say she didn't want to live anymore....... I don't know how to support her when I'm barely holding it together. She already had mental health issues but this has made everything 100 times worse as despite him not being her bio dad he has worked incredibly hard to fill those shoes and they had grown much closer recently. In her words she doesn't have time in her life for another part time dad. She's struggling with this terribly and I don't know how to help her, last night she was hysterically shouting at me and now this.... I can't lose her as well.

How awful for your DD Swift. Could you get a referral to Cahms off the GP for her or find a private family therapist (if you can afford it). Perhaps her school has a counsellor. I'm not surprised she is angry and deeply traumitised by his behaviour in just upping and leaving. Reassure her that you love her and will always be there - her anger is legitimate.

During seperations children often kick off with the parent who they feel instinctively will always be there for them no matter how badly they might behave to them. The one they feel safe being angry with and conversely the parent who has caused the hurt who perhaps they feel less safe in their affections and need to win more approval from to keep them sweet gets treated well by the child.

She is already with health in mind as she's practically 18, won't see her Again till weds

Please consider counseling. Even short term to help you get through the initial shock and adjustment.

I'm going to sound a bit harsh here, but if he's made up his mind, he's made up his mind. All the texts and messages from you aren't going to change it. But what it will do is prolong and increase your pain. Each message you send is the equivalent of standing up in a foxhole and shouting 'shoot me again' across 'No Man's Land'. And every response you get is him shooting another bullet, even if that response is a half-hearted "I don't know if I can ever...". I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is hunker down and stop contacting him. Focus on yourself and your children. If you've been prescribed meds, take them. What he thinks of that is irrelevant. Not taking them because he 'disapproves' will NOT bring him back. Get yourself back on your feet, even shaky feet, and you'll be able to help your daughter a bit better. Seek additional counseling for her, too. All of you need to grieve and right now I think you don't know how.

It's not to say that you can't pray or hope for reconciliation. It's just saying that you must 'hope for the best but prepare for the worst'. And don't think that trying to rebuild your life is going to affect your chances, either. Some times people think 'Oh, if I rebuild my life that means he'll never come back so I'm not going to rebuild'. Just as you would never say 'Oh, if I get in the tornado shelter that will make the tornado hit my house so I'll just sit here in my living room'.

How you may have treated him the last while may not be the way you wish you had. But all married couples go through times where we take the other for granted or take things out on them. It's wrong but it happens. Certainly I know that I wasn't the best to my DH when life has been shitty (Dad's slow death, Mum's dementia) and nor was he when the shoe was on the other foot (job problems, Mum's slow death). But we were patient and committed and knew that 'this too shall pass' and an apology made and forgiveness granted. If he doesn't understand that then chances are he'll always want to skip out when life gets tough. But you're not ready to hear that yet.

Just try to take a day at a time. Even just 15 minutes at a time. And seek help.

I really feel for you and hope you derive a little comfort from experienced posters who've told you that things will get better. I agree that you should avoid alcohol for now. How was the weekend?

Well, its been a rocky few days....... If I never have a day like any of the last week again it will be too soon.

Yesterday the man bastard formally known as my husband came round to to some jobs in the house e.g get dd2 room decorated and all these diy jobs we were half way through sorting. I tried to talk to him to find out what was at the bottom of all of this and why he didn't just talk to me if he was unhappy, still desperately wanting him to change his mind and come home. However, he rather nastily told me that he hadn't wanted to be with me for the last 5 years and had been trying to wait it out to leave until our youngest was 16 (she's 8 now!) but since i was so unbearable he couldn't put up with me any longer and that the only reason he drank so much was to numb the pain of my presence......... what a cock.........

Thanks to that little insight I think I might stop begging him to come back and start putting my life back together. Today I cleaned out the fridge, tiny steps but in the right direction. Thanks for all your support everyone.

Oh god Swift, what a cruel nasty bastard, you had depression fgs, he sounds horrible, it has actually given you a wake up call hasn't it, he's not all that is he!

Never ceases to amaze me the amount of men that can casually pack a case and not just walk out on their LT partner but their children expecting the one left to pick up their shit, makes me so mad.

Sleeping on his office floor, really, not sure I believe that and also, don't be stunned if OW suddenly appears along the way.

Baby steps, you are already on that path to recovery.

What a nasty git.

I also wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else on his mind.