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Trans widows and autogynephilia

(47 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

soniaclimes Thu 14-Jul-16 20:55:24

Autogynephilia - Has anyone else experienced a marriage/partnership where your partner suddenly discloses that he is transgender after secretly cross dressing without your knowledge for many years? ..The fallout from my ex partners sudden declaration of womanhood in his 7th decade and his decision to transition out of the blue was horrendous. He caused catastrophic psychological, emotional, social and economic damage to the whole family and from what i hear, we are far from the only ones to endure this experience of a transgender intimate and the abuse it entails - the themes and behaviours of these men are astonishingly similar, it cant possibly be a coincidence.
id be interested to hear other womens experience of autogynephilic abuse... how did you react? how did your children react? did you find things out about your partner that shocked and appalled you, or are you cool with it ..? either way, how did you cope?

PresidentOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 14-Jul-16 21:44:47

Hi there OP
We've moved your thread out of site stuff which is for users to communicate with the HQ team with their suggestions and vice versa
We also removed the link as we don't allow advertising on MN

KatieKaboom Thu 14-Jul-16 22:27:35

This thread will go brilliantly.

Roomba Thu 14-Jul-16 22:54:04

< Grabs popcorn >

DailyMailAreMassiveCunts Thu 14-Jul-16 23:00:13

Not been through it OP so can't comment but you have my sympathy flowers

FeckinCrutches Thu 14-Jul-16 23:02:01

Kris? Jeremy?

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 14-Jul-16 23:41:02

I know there are several other "trans widows" at reddit's gender critical communities.

SallyVating Thu 14-Jul-16 23:48:20

I don't know too much about trans stuff but a friend of mine who had been living as a woman for over a decade has now decided to revert back to being a man. Not sure how it will go as he'd been taking hormones for years.

Apologies if I've used the wrong terminology - I'm not intending to cause offence, I'm just not very knowledgeable about the subject.

Smorgasboard Fri 15-Jul-16 00:12:33

Wouldn't he be the one who suffered the most psychological, emotional, social and economic damage, for years not being able to be himself? How I'd deal with it would possibly depend on whether he lied about ever being attracted to me as a woman too, if he is transgender but lesbian or bi, then perhaps that is less of a betrayal. From a quick google, I see that autogynephilia (if it exists) is not the same thing as transgender so why lump them together, unless your ex has both distinct issues in your opinion. What an odd posting?

Smorgasboard Fri 15-Jul-16 00:31:36

Abuse? Only if he forced you to do something against your will, he probably feels less abused being herself these days. If he/she is still alive, nobody is a widow, unless you are putting your trauma on a par with 'golfing-widows' -somehow I doubt that.

Smorgasboard Fri 15-Jul-16 00:49:53

Just read further, so at least he fancied you as a woman as 'autogynephiles' are attracted by women it seems - I just learnt a new made up word (sheltered life). I can see how you'd no longer be able to reciprocate though, would put most off in that regard.

catsofa Fri 15-Jul-16 01:25:06

What was the link? Why did the OP have an advert at the end?

Prawnofthepatriarchy Fri 15-Jul-16 01:34:27

Yes, catsofa, that's got me curious too. I know there are many women in this position, though no idea how many there are on Mumsnet. I wonder if the link is a request for interviews? That might account for the OP posting it in site stuff.

CaoNiMao Fri 15-Jul-16 02:13:18

Smorgasbord - 'autogynephiles' means men who are turned on by seeing themselves as women. It's only a made-up word inasmuch as all words were made up at some stage.

Just5minswithDacre Fri 15-Jul-16 02:37:42

Is this your first visit to MN?

It's an interesting issue but this will kick off <pinched a handful of Roomba's popcorn>

WilLiAmHerschel Fri 15-Jul-16 07:56:50

I have no experience but I've heard from more than one woman how difficult it is and how little support there is for them. I found this blog very insightful.

Smorgasboard Fri 15-Jul-16 09:20:45

Cao, yes, I see that also now. Blanchard's theory - which could be opinion and debatable whether his theory is accurate it seems. Maybe the person experiencing it themselves could shed better light on it to aid others understanding? Still stands that my instinct is that the greatest trauma would be experienced by the transgender male. Hopefully, if in 7th decade, any children would be well into adulthood and independent and therefore, can deal with it without dramatic trauma. It's amazing that something so major could be so 'out of the blue'. It reminds me of a certain boxer promoters situation, could the post be connected to that?

VestalVirgin Fri 15-Jul-16 11:06:01

Abuse? Only if he forced you to do something against your will

Since most autogynephiles force others to pretend that they are women, I think it is very likely that he did that, at the very least.

Forcing people to pretend that reality is not like it is, is emotional abuse. Playing pretend can be fun if you do it voluntarily, but if you are forced to agree to, and repeat statements that you know to be untrue, that will damage you psychologically. In fact, I think it is a tactic used in brainwashing. Will see if I can find a source.

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jul-16 13:05:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FuzzyEyes Fri 15-Jul-16 13:40:14

OP I haven't had a partner with autongynephilia or any other fetish that I've known about. Any fetish would be a deal-breaker for me - especially if I was being asked to play along like some sort of assistant. <<shudder>> . It has to be intimacy and connection or nothing at all.

TalkingintheDark Fri 15-Jul-16 13:52:36

Go peddle your misogynistic accusations of TERF elsewhere yourself, pocket. I'm disappointed to see you swallowing such bullshit.

The misogyny (and homophobia) implicit in part of the trans community is a big issue that needs addressing and it is directly linked to other forms of emotional abuse and gaslighting of female bodied people by male bodied people.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Fri 15-Jul-16 16:01:23

There's a huge thread - 122 messages - on the topic here "So Your Husband is “Becoming A Woman”: Advice from women who’ve been there"

Some of the posts are heart-rending. What's fascinating (and very creepy) is how uniform these men's behaviour is. You can predict the sequence of events, pretty much, as well as the horrible fall out for wives and kids. sad

I don't agree that the trans person suffers most. To my mind, these late transitioning heterosexuals are as greedy, heartless and selfish as the middle aged blokes who dump their OH and kids for a partner half their age and a big red sports car. Both groups are intensely sexually motivated and don't give a fuck about the effect on others.

Claraoswald36 Fri 15-Jul-16 20:40:28

Prawn I so agree with you post

Smorgasboard Fri 15-Jul-16 20:50:07

Somewhat easier, and therefore weaker willed, of a middle-aged man to go off with a young woman and have a red sports car. I would think that putting yourself through surgery and hormone treatment shows the extent of a deep need, we are not talking mere transvestism here. It's drastic stuff, risking health, that some people feel the need to do - nothing like the urge for a certain car.
Imagine being repressed by convention, for decades, set that against a flight of fancy during mid-life crisis -they don't compare, and you shouldn't try to.

Smorgasboard Sat 16-Jul-16 00:21:09

Gee Prawn, just read your link. Lol, if I want to read some bollocks spreading hate and paranoia I know where to go! That MIL letter was the biggest pile of bigoted crap I've heard in a while - poor me, I didn't save a pension, so now I'm screwed as H's parents used his inheritance to pay for surgery ie. I'm upset that the cash cow H I had is not going to deliver.If he divorced her for being nasty, pre parents dying, she still would be left with nothing.

If it was not so far over the bigoted wall, it might have been possible to have some sympathy for the plight somewhere, the rubbish spouted in that letter makes me wonder if its even real. What it does show is her poor opinion of people, her deep sense of self-entiltement at losing money that was never hers, does not make my heart bleed - its the risk you take if you live a life off others. It shows, if real what a nasty piece of work she is, against that, it would be hard for a person to come out.
As for, protect your GC's from the psychological harm by only having supervised visits because they may take your DC to a shop while they try on bra's - I had to laugh. Ok, I think that's enough from me, it's clear that someone just wants to peddle some prejudice on here, so I'd rather not perpetuate the thread.

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