Trans widows and autogynephilia

[soniaclimes]

Autogynephilia - Has anyone else experienced a marriage/partnership where your partner suddenly discloses that he is transgender after secretly cross dressing without your knowledge for many years? ..The fallout from my ex partners sudden declaration of womanhood in his 7th decade and his decision to transition out of the blue was horrendous. He caused catastrophic psychological, emotional, social and economic damage to the whole family and from what i hear, we are far from the only ones to endure this experience of a transgender intimate and the abuse it entails - the themes and behaviours of these men are astonishingly similar, it cant possibly be a coincidence.
id be interested to hear other womens experience of autogynephilic abuse... how did you react? how did your children react? did you find things out about your partner that shocked and appalled you, or are you cool with it ..? either way, how did you cope?
LINK REMOVED BY MNHQ

[lifeisunjust]

Physical, mental, financial abuse, been there, hurts like hell. Yes and the behaviour is quite uniform, as is the profile of men who do this.

I read this group regularly.
www.facebook.com/groups/genderdiscusssion/

[lifeisunjust]

There are many meeting places and groups for these men who post photos of themselves in various states of undress and dress which they believe makes them turn into women. It certainly exists, there are many forgotten wives and children out there. Do you wish me to link to my husband's disgusting photos of himself to prove it does?

[FuzzyEyes]

I find it quite sad that you, smorgasbord , blithely disregard the effect of a person's all-consuming obsession upon their families. Gender politics aside, any obsession that consumes the majority of an individual's time, thoughts, money, space, etc - will have a huge impact on the people close to them. It is cruel to dismiss that damage - in effect saying 'having an obsession is harder to endure than living/depending on someone entirely devoted to that obsession'.
You have completely taken sides with no compassion or attempt at balance.

[FuzzyEyes]

Living with/depending on

[soniaclimes]

i know im not alone. i dont appreciate having my experience of autogynephilia disregarded as if im to blame, and to question the existence of autogynephilia is to erase the first hand intimate experience of the women this happens to. its just ignorant. the boss removed the link i dont know why. its not like it isnt the truth. look up vee strings by castle supplies if you dont believe me. this IS autogynephilia. autogynephilia is also when you find out your husband has been secretly masturbating in your daughters underwear etc. to have to endure listening to people who attempt to frame the autogynephile as the oppressed and abused is sickening. transwidow.wordpress.com/

[FuzzyEyes]

I hope this isn't too tangential but an area of autogynophilia I find really disturbing and misogynistic is rubber dolling. There is clearly a demand for services catering to all forms of autogynophilia. It is so insulting and violating of women - eg- these men desire to penetrate women so deeply and entirely they even want to wear our skin. I have a visceral sense they are just creepy, perverted, misogynist freaks.

[FuzzyEyes]

Hi Sonia up thread - might have been reading a quote and attributed it to the wrong poster, but they read about the plight of a MIL whose life plans had to be shelved and the poster dismissed the source as 'bigoted'.

[lifeisunjust]

A huge generalization but the trans widows I know are the vast majority to greater earner, their husband/partners live in the shadow of their greater earning / more successful partners, they are often failing in their jobs or have none.  Soniaclimes experience supports this, mine too, I could have written her posts, just look at Kris Jenner living in the shadow of his ex wife and ex children / step children / children.....

[FuzzyEyes]

I raise my children alone. he has no children. he used us as his masturbatory supply. all i did was love the man i believed i knew. he misrepresented hibmself, lied to us, betrayed us and abused us... if you knew the whole story and i was allowed to write it here, you would know without any doubt that the man is a stealthy nonce...

I am so sorry to hear this I find it infuriating that we are being culturally groomed to tolerate male perversions in all sorts of forms. Perverts have hijacked the gay and lesbian rights movement now and make out perversions are 'orientations' not just deviant and often abusive sexual practices.

[FuzzyEyes]

A huge generalization but the trans widows I know are the vast majority to greater earner, their husband/partners live in the shadow of their greater earning / more successful partners, they are often failing in their jobs or have none.

I hadn't realised this but it makes sense.

[Smorgasboard]

I'm sure it does cause family distress, as does divorce,and loss of family contact, which is likely to happen as a consequence. 'It' being a general term as 'trans' is being used which is a very general umbrella term for all sorts of inclinations mild to extreme. If you lump it all together under trans, no surprise people start talking about different aspects.
I'm as out of date as wiki on this - which says that Blanchards theory of autogynaphilia has been criticized, I'm not questioning its existence, others have already.
There are many people in this world that get their sexual kicks in different ways, if their way is not your way, give them a wide birth. If a person wants their sexual fetish to be on display in everyday life, giving it exposure without restriction, it seems fair for society to have issue with that. Displaying your gender identity, not being the same as displaying a fetish, an important distinction there which can get lost by lumping terms together.

[MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed]

I can't speak as a trans widow, but I can tell you about the effect it had on our group of friends.

Our good friend B made the decision to transition to H. B had previously considered himself to be a straight man, then a bisexual man in a relationship with a gay man. When he was starting to become H he made jokes that he was such a homophobe that he's rather be a woman than admit to being a gay man.

B was a perfectly normal polite and functional man. When he became H, a switch flipped. She started making overtly sexual remarks towards the girls in our group, aimed particularly at one girl she knew to be cripplingly shy. Her mannerisms became really exaggerated, if you touched her shoulder she would scream. She became a relentless boundary pusher and you could not call her out on her behavior without her having a panic attack, sometimes over things as petty as doing the dishes. It was like transitioning gave her a free card to act like she was fourteen again and if we got angry, we were called bigots.

(I say we, I actually knew very little about this because I was up to my eyeballs in another crisis, but I got the full story when one of the girls living with H broke down. I did witness some of H's more overt unpleasantness but I do think she toned it down a lot around me.)

When the people she'd been living with finally had enough and lost it with her, she tried to report them to the police for domestic abuse. All of this is so far from the person she was as B that it's like they were two completely different people.

[wantingresults]

smorgasboard - I and a large part of the trans community (not that I'm trans) agree that "lumping terms together" is a bad thing as non-autogynaphile trans people (many of them dysphoric) get tarred with the same brush as the abusive fetishists (and the non-abusive fetishists).

From my understanding of the vast amounts of reading I've done, dysphoric trans people (the ones that actually feel that they were "born in the wrong body" fought a long hard war to dissasociate themselves from the fetishists and to stop fetishists from being able to claim full transgender status but they lost this war. They are still, in many cases, fighting for a term that describes only their part of the community but the fetishists are fighting them with abuse and nastiness because they see the advantages of being able to claim the dysphoria narrative for themselves.

It is almost always the dysphoric trans person who is held up as an example of what it means to be trans - years of misery and a deep unhappiness with one's body but a huge number of trans people simply have no discomfort with their bodies at all. They are happy being men physically but want to be able to force the world to call them women and they want to be able to transgress boundaries, gaining access to spaces that were once female only, changing rooms etc because it is a sexual thrill to make women uncomfortable with their male presence. Obviously there are trans people who want access to female spaces simply because they "just want to pee" but there are many in the trans community who do not have such innocent motives.

[FuzzyEyes]

"Displaying your gender identity, not being the same as displaying a fetish, an important distinction there which can get lost by lumping terms together"

But what if a person's gender identity (and the displaying of it) is their fetish? Afterall isn't the whole point of 'identity' (in the way the word is currently used in relation to gender/sexual orientation/ethnicity/political position/disability/whateverturnsyouon/etc) all about how an individual chooses to identify themselves?

The problem of 'lumping together' imo is inherent in 'self-identification' - since it allows anyone to claim anything about themselves - even if it is at odds with anything that can objectively be confirmed.

If a bloke has a fetish for 'being a woman' and claims he is trans, who are you or anyone else to tell him different? What is your distinction smogasbord?

[Smorgasboard]

My distinction would be the reason a person is displaying gender traits, at that point in time - sexual gratification purposes being outwardly displayed in society, being less acceptable.
Wantingresults, makes a good point, dysphoria being an entirely different reason at the other end. Also, no excuse for misogyny whether that comes from any gender, its just plain wrong whoever behaves that way.

[HermioneWeasley]

Applauds wanting

Stefonknee is clearly a fetishist. But is an adviser to the Canadian government on trans issues, and was name checked in their insanely anti biology /pro delusion legislation.

That is how far we have come how fast - middle aged pervert is actually an oppressed minority whose wants must come before women's actual needs for privacy and safety

[FuzzyEyes]

Stefonknee is clearly a fetishist

Agreed - but if he self-identifies as a woman/girl - even claiming dysphoria (though I don't know if he does) no one else can 'define' his 'identity' for him as a fetishist perverted freak, can they?

[FuzzyEyes]

Smorgasboard you say no excuse for misogyny whether that comes from any gender

But with no way of verifying whether the 'trans-widows' in the link upthread had 'autogynophile' or 'gender-dysphoric' male partners, you tarred them all and the site they were on as bigoted and used quite a lot of hate-filled judgemental language about them. I found that extremely misogynistic.

[soniaclimes]

i didnt mean to suggest that all trans are autogyne/andro/philic, or in fact that either of those conditions are necessarily abusive per se - i am simply referring to the fact that many women like me who have experienced this have experienced it as abusive and harmful and feel violated by the betrayal of trust and the lies... the stories are always the same, the same narcissistic behaviours and rages, the same double life, histories of ostensibly happy marriages with no suggestion or hint of what is to come. Devastated wives and children who have found their support can never be enough, and are required to subsume themselves and their needs, their identity, deny their reality, and find themselves ultimately, erased and humiliated by his treachery.. i could tell some horror stories about what its like to have an autogynephile in the house and bedroom - but i wont.
what i do know, is that there are a lot of people out there who have endured endless fuckery from the trans movement, find themselves intimately involved in something they never dreamed would happen to them and are pushed into the closet, silenced, vilified, told by strangers they cant have been good enough, or loving enough, or liberal or cool or whatever enough.. that somehow its all their fault - no one really knows the details though. they dont know what its like to keep finding their 10 year old daughters underwear stuffed behind the bookcase, and to drag their bemused child off to the doctors because they are concerned about the amount of discharge in these hidden panties only to realise when the truth comes out, that it was sperm all along.... and to discover that this person has been writing all about you on transforums to entertain the trans, in shockingy self regarding detail how he s been getting away with having a 'lesbian' relationship without your knowledge or consent for years ha ha! hilarious! with non consensual images too! and then to discover he's done it before to other women, been in and out of the closet more times than grandmas higginsons syringe.. and also that he was probably instrumental in that old drug rape when you were a teen - but no ones going to believe you now... and suddenly it becomes clear why he hates lesbians so much, how much gaslighting he gets away with, how he's got it all figured out never worked a day in his life, nice and safe in his free housing with his disability allowance and travel pass and his free hormones and cosmetic surgery.
i pray for the day when the trans-bereaved and trans-widows get the same care and respect from the medical profession their trans loved ones have come to expect.