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To think DSis needs a wake up call

(48 Posts)
GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 16:43:21

Name changed as this is identifying and slightly vague as well.

A few years ago I went through a divorce, the divorce was simple, he pays more in Child Maintenance then required, etc but it was also absolutely life shattering

My parents helped financially and emotionally. I had to remove DS out of prep school and they went above and beyond helping to settle him in his new school, introducing us to new people, they helped with school pick up, drop offs at activities, organised play dates, paid to decorate his new bedroom as we moved closer to them, all round just amazing.

Most of that stopped after 2 years, as DS and I settled in and DS was old enough to take himself places, we still see them almost daily and they've refused to allow me to pay them back financially, so I do all I can to help out in other ways.

My sister who lives close by is now going through a very bitter divorce, the proceedings started months ago, she has three teens all in fee paying secondary schools, which STBX brother in law is now refusing to pay, she can't make mortgage payments on her own, their's only 2 years left of mortgage payments but as he's moved out, STBX brother in law is again refusing to pay, he's the only one that works, so DSis has no income of her own.

My parents have offered her no help whatsoever, it's been the elephant in the room and today it's finally come to a head, I've completely kept out of it but today, she sent me a very long, slightly insulting text message, calling me selfish, jealous, rude, awful etc for not talking to my parents about helping her out financially or offering to help her myself, referring to the amount of child maintenance I receive

I've offered to help her in lots of way, just not financially, as I can't afford to give her the amount of money she keeps referring to, I've offered to help her look for a smaller property, new schools, I have an accountant friend who is willing to look over her finances for a discount, she's turned me down at every opportunity.

The issue with my DSis is that she wants to maintain her current lifestyle but instead of STBX brother in law paying she expects our parents to do so. I don't think it's appropriate at all that I ask them why they haven't offered to help.

I think she needs to accept her lot in life and try and sort things out, her DCs are all enrolled in their fee paying schools, she's going through her savings just to be able to afford the fees and it's not enough to get all three through school, pay the mortgage and life off, she needs to try and find some sort of employment but she's not even willing to look, I know it's tough but this has been going on for months and it's only going to get worse.

Silvercatowner Wed 17-Aug-16 16:50:11

Why, if your parents helped you out financially, are they not doing the same for your sister?

MilkshakeAddict Wed 17-Aug-16 16:53:09

Is this a reverse?

Vickyyyy Wed 17-Aug-16 16:53:34

She is wrong to blame you but this sounds harsh, is there a reason your parents 'ave offered her no help whatsoever'? I can understand her being bitter about it...

GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 16:54:02

Silver, the amount of financial support my parents gave me amounts to around 1 grand over 2 years, DSis wants enough money to pay for 3 school fees which amounts to between 11-14 grand a year per child, her mortgage paid off every month, which is a lot more then a grand and lots of other expenses.

The amount of help she needs is completely different to what I needed.

GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 16:55:24

And they haven't offered her any other sort of help, because she wants nothing to change.

Vickyyyy Wed 17-Aug-16 16:56:08

She is being unrealistic to expect your parents to finance that because her husband is an arsehole. However you specifically said they had offered no help whatsoever...without further info I expect this is why she is behaving this way.

Silvercatowner Wed 17-Aug-16 16:57:47

My parents have offered her no help whatsoever, - this, on the surface, isn't treating siblings equitably.

FlyingElbows Wed 17-Aug-16 16:59:11

I may be wrong but is this not what divorce lawyers are for?

HeyMacWey Wed 17-Aug-16 16:59:53

Yanbu - she could make savings from moving the dc's to state school - if she started making positive attempts to change her lifestyle then perhaps your parents may feel more willing to contribute.

Perhaps their finances are in a different place now so they may not be able to afford to help her out.

MillieMoodle Wed 17-Aug-16 17:03:41

I think your sister needs to accept that her lifestyle cannot continue in the same way, particularly if she isn't working. It's crappy that her marriage has broken down, but if she can't afford to continue paying the mortgage, she needs to move to somewhere more manageable which she can afford. If she can't afford the school fees, she needs to look at whether the school offers a scholarship or bursary, or find another school. She should be getting maintenance from her stbxh but (unless he's totally loaded) that won't cover all her expenses. She is going to have to make changes to her lifestyle whether she likes it or not, regardless of whose fault the marriage breakdown was. It's rubbish but unfortunately that's the way it is.

I don't think your parents should have to fund her existing lifestyle. Perhaps they'd be more willing to help if she was doing all she could to make savings wherever she could? Sounds like they need to have a pretty blunt conversation with her. Would it help if you suggested that to them? Has anyone suggested to her how she could make savings and if so, how has she taken those suggestions?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 17:10:26

Why are you jealous and why does she expect you to do her asking?

GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 17:12:46

Millie, I've spoken to her about changing her lifestyle and moving forward, but she's just in utter denial, my parents haven't spoken to her but she's told them several times that she's financially struggling, how her savings won't last her long, how she had to pick between uniforms and a holiday this year and they nod their heads in the right places and never offer any money but they also don't tell her that her views are unrealistic, which I've told them do so 1000% times, they just think it'll upset her and that she won't take it on board.

GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 17:16:56

Goingtobe, I'm jealous because unlike her DCs my DS goes to the outstanding comprehensive five minutes away that he thoroughly enjoys instead of the Fee paying secondary we'd initially planned for him to go to, like his cousins. She expects me to ask because from their reactions it's clear they won't give her any money if she just asks for it and thinks that they're more likely to agree if I back her up.

OreosAreTasty Wed 17-Aug-16 17:18:10

Yanbu but if I was your parents I'd offer a small amount of help. Like £1000. If they can.
The rest is up to the divorce court I'm afraid

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 17:19:49

I mean why does she think you're jealous etc?

Rubies12345 Wed 17-Aug-16 17:21:24

Child support is not optional - she needs to go through the CSA.

As a single parent she can claim child tax credit and child benefit. Plus JSA until she gets a job.

Why don't you pass on the money they gave you to her?

GetItDown Wed 17-Aug-16 17:24:39

Goingtobe, that is why she thinks I'm jealous, because my DS is in a comp and hers aren't.

Rubies, I don't mind giving her a grand, but the issue is that it won't solve anything and she'll expect me to give it to her again. She knows what she's entitled to, I printed out loads of info but she lives in a her own bubble and refuses to even consider applying for anythin

Squabblesallaround Wed 17-Aug-16 17:25:01

Well there you go... Choice between 'uniform and a holiday'...they are most probably being diplomatic towards the little princess. I'd imagine they assisted you as felt you were in need, with appropriate priorities and would be more gratuitous!

amidawish Wed 17-Aug-16 17:27:44

of course YANBU

she needs to get a divorce lawyer, promptly.

choosing between a holiday and private school uniforms is not exactly on the breadline/food bank worthy is it?

VeryBitchyRestingFace Wed 17-Aug-16 17:36:37

Your sister needs to accept the inevitable and get down to business.

However, you do seem very much the favoured child.

Mycatsabastard Wed 17-Aug-16 17:38:22


From what I've read, your parents gave you support in a way that was more physical, helping you move, helping with school runs etc although they did help you financially to the tune of £1k over a two year period.

Your sister however, seems to expect your parents to pay her mortgage for two years and pay three children's school fees. This is not down to your parents to sort out.

Your sister needs to:

Get a solicitor to sort out divorce/house/finances

Look at downsizing

Finding a local state school

claim benefits and CMS

Get her head out of the sand.

ThinkingForever Wed 17-Aug-16 17:42:05

She's sent you a long nasty text hmm.

She's the one who sounds entitled and angry and jealous I'm afraid.

Its a shame but if you want to stay friends I don't know what to suggest. Maybe saying nothing is the best thing. But I think she's got a bloody cheek.

MillieMoodle Wed 17-Aug-16 17:42:51

OP, the current situation is upsetting her as she seems to feel that you are the favoured daughter as she's getting no help from your parents. They need to sit her down and say what they are willing to offer to do and what she needs to do in order for them to help. E.g. Start looking for a state school and they'll help with school runs, or they'll help with childcare while she looks for a job (assuming that they are actually willing to help her at all). If they upset her then that's unfortunate but she doesn't sound very happy with them anyway, so I can't see that they've got anything to lose.

Blistory Wed 17-Aug-16 17:43:42

You describe your own divorce as simple but still life shattering. You needed help from your parents for two years. It sounds like you had a huge amount of emotional support.

Your sister is very early on in this process. Her ex sounds like a dick. She has no money. She has three children whose lives she doesn't want to disrupt. She will be short on cash and assets until the divorce is finalised.

Where is the emotional support that she needs ? Where's the support that lets her clear her head and make rational decisions ?

She's an adult but as much as she needs to step up, it's horrendously unfair when you had huge support that was offered willingly and without question. Why is she not entitled to the same unstinting support that you had from your parents ? She may well need a different amount of support that you or even more- she has 3 kids and a dick of an ex.

Sorry but I don't think she's the only one who needs a wake up call.

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