To think DSis needs a wake up call

[GetItDown]

Name changed as this is identifying and slightly vague as well.

A few years ago I went through a divorce, the divorce was simple, he pays more in Child Maintenance then required, etc but it was also absolutely life shattering

My parents helped financially and emotionally. I had to remove DS out of prep school and they went above and beyond helping to settle him in his new school, introducing us to new people, they helped with school pick up, drop offs at activities, organised play dates, paid to decorate his new bedroom as we moved closer to them, all round just amazing.

Most of that stopped after 2 years, as DS and I settled in and DS was old enough to take himself places, we still see them almost daily and they've refused to allow me to pay them back financially, so I do all I can to help out in other ways.

My sister who lives close by is now going through a very bitter divorce, the proceedings started months ago, she has three teens all in fee paying secondary schools, which STBX brother in law is now refusing to pay, she can't make mortgage payments on her own, their's only 2 years left of mortgage payments but as he's moved out, STBX brother in law is again refusing to pay, he's the only one that works, so DSis has no income of her own.

My parents have offered her no help whatsoever, it's been the elephant in the room and today it's finally come to a head, I've completely kept out of it but today, she sent me a very long, slightly insulting text message, calling me selfish, jealous, rude, awful etc for not talking to my parents about helping her out financially or offering to help her myself, referring to the amount of child maintenance I receive

I've offered to help her in lots of way, just not financially, as I can't afford to give her the amount of money she keeps referring to, I've offered to help her look for a smaller property, new schools, I have an accountant friend who is willing to look over her finances for a discount, she's turned me down at every opportunity.

The issue with my DSis is that she wants to maintain her current lifestyle but instead of STBX brother in law paying she expects our parents to do so. I don't think it's appropriate at all that I ask them why they haven't offered to help.

I think she needs to accept her lot in life and try and sort things out, her DCs are all enrolled in their fee paying schools, she's going through her savings just to be able to afford the fees and it's not enough to get all three through school, pay the mortgage and life off, she needs to try and find some sort of employment but she's not even willing to look, I know it's tough but this has been going on for months and it's only going to get worse.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Does she know how little financial support you actually needed? Maybe it would be worth saying to her that your parents only gave you £1-2k overall and the rest you covered through lifestyle changes.

[Puddington]

I suppose I can understand her feeling let down by her parents (even if her behaviour/expectations are unrealistic - which they are, honestly), but I don't think there was any need for her to send you a nasty text, especially considering you're the only one who has tried to help her! Maybe your parents do favour you, but I don't think that can be blamed squarely on you. It's a bit of an impossible situation

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

X post with DeathStare who has put it rather better than I did.

[Puddington]

Actually, I think DeathSquare might have nailed it! You could edit that basic template to fit whatever personal circumstances/emotions are involved but I think that covers a lot, and hopefully she would be receptive to it.

[GreekGod]

It's a tricky one. I think it really depends how you feel about your sister. if you are very close with her and don't want to affect your relationship with her then I think you should say something to your parents so at least they give her something or you should give her something from the money they have given you, even a small amount. Even if its not as much as she wants, at least you will feel better. If you don't then it will affect your relationship with her. Its only money. We had a similar situation. Our great aunt left everything to me in her will as we were especially close and I just gave half to my brother as soon as I inherited it, didn't even think twice about keeping it even though it would have paid off my mortgage, - it wouldn't have felt right otherwise. I have a great relationship with my brother and I didn't want to damage our relationship, If i had kept the money, it would have definitely caused problems and now everyone's happy.

[Blistory]

But the money the parents lent to the OP wasn't conditional so it's not fair to tell the sister that it was.

Are you, OP, seriously prepared to all stand by as a family and allow the mortgage to go unpaid just so she learns some life lessons ?

[Somerville]

The best possible support you can give your DSIS right now is to hurry her off to a SHL.

Three x school fees is mega expensive - her STBXH must be a very high earner?

Both my friends with DC in private schools who divorced over the past few years ended up with spousal maintenance (which I hear is rare these days) as well as child support and school fees paid.

Additionally, it may be worth asking the schools if they can help in the short term. They often have bursaries for situations exactly like this.

[OnionKnight]

Blistory what do you expect the OP or the parents to do, pay the mortgage?

[juneau]

YANBU and neither are your DPs. Like deathstare I too wonder if she realises how little material help you received from your DPs? It sounds like she thinks you got loads of money and so she's looking for that sort of support too (although you only have one DC, who you pulled out of private school, whereas she has three who she'd determined not to).

Bottom line - your DSis is living in cloud cuckoo land. Her ExH is certainly being an arsehole, but by not pulling her DC out of private school now, in the summer holidays, and getting them settled into new schools at the start of the school year, she's also being an arsehole. This must be horrible for the DC, but it will be even worse for them when the money runs out and they get pulled out of their private schools mid-year. Your Dsis needs to wake up. Her divorce could take two years to finalise (or longer), and in the meantime she needs to make some big changes or she and her DC aren't going to stay afloat. Is she maybe hoping that by bankrupting herself she'll force your DPs to step in and help?

[JudyCoolibar]

Is she doing anything about her ex's refusal to pay maintenance? I really don't see why your parents should in effect bail him out.

[juneau]

P.S. What legal advice is she getting? Surely some kind of emergency financial arrangement could be agreed to deal with the school fees and mortgage?

[DeathStare]

But the money the parents lent to the OP wasn't conditional so it's not fair to tell the sister that it was

From the OP's post it sounds as if it was conditional even if that wasn't explicitly discussed. The OP says that they helped her while she made the changes and believes they aren't helping the sister as she isn't making changes. Maybe the OP understood this to be the deal without them ever having to say it, but the sister hasn't picked up on this. That's how I read it anyway.

[CatNip2]

I don't think you sound the favoured child, who knows what financial assistance the parents have given the sister over the years? Maybe the parents think that she needs to start standing up for herself and taking reponsibility for her own life.

The OP has offered her emotional support, she hasn't taken it, she just wants someone else to pick up the financial pieces.

Hers is a big ask of what are potentially elderly parents on a limited income.

[Blistory]

The OP's sister may well be a pandered princess but it sounds to me like she has very real and immediate problems that need dealt with. She has been a SAHM with three children so it's not as easy as her just getting a job. She has a bitter divorce to contend with, her ex is using her children's education and home as weapons in the divorce. None of us know what stage the children are at in their education and why should they suffer because their father is a twat ? It sounds like there is plenty of equity in the house and she may well end up with a financial package that allows her to remain in the house and the children with their fees paid so maybe she wants to hold on as long as possible. And she hasn't asked her parents for money - she's used her savings.

And now on top of the ex punishing her, she seems to have her family implying that she's made her bed and can lie in it. Unless she does what they want. No wonder she's not making the best decisions right now.

[OnionKnight]

£1k will not go far with the OP's sister...

[kaitlinktm]

When I was going through a divorce my solicitor told my parents not to muddy the waters with trying to help me with money until the financial side of things was agreed on. They did help me later - and I know that my ex's mother also helped him later too - but this was when everything had been signed off.

This might be another reason they haven't offered - if they give her their money her ex sounds vindictive enough to make it count against her in some way.

[GetItDown]

DeathStare, I really like your response, it hits all the points I need. I do think a large part of her is terrified which is why she's stuck in limbo.

She has got a divorce lawyer but it's all been very slow going, she wants it her way, her STBX wants it all his way, neither can agree to anything, he is a high earner but not so wealthy that she can live off any spousal maintenance, which her solicitor does think she can get, married for 15 years, she sacrificed her career etc.

My parents didn't offer to help until I started actively looking for things and they saw how much I was struggling, it wasn't just offered from day one but I could speak to them and ask that they sit down with DSis and come up with a realistic plan if not for her sake then for their grandchildren

[Missgraeme]

If the sis won't accept the need to lower her standards and accept the advice offered then she won't get very far!! Your parents should match financially what they gave you but it's not gonna solve much if she won't help herself first.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

DeathStare has put together a great reply to your DSis. I'd recommend suggesting to your DSis that she get in contact with the Head of the school as soon as possible to explain the situation as her kids may start to act out in school and they will need to know if there is something happening in the family that they should be made aware of, i.e. their parents divorcing. Also during that conversation, she should (and must in my opinion) ask if there is any way that the children can stay in the school and if they can't, can they recommend any other schools that they can go to and what help they can give to you (and them) to make that transition as easy as possible for all concerned.

Then she needs to talk with her divorce lawyer and let the lawyers thrash it all out between them.

Best of luck to you all