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Original poster

I need people to reassure me please

22 replies

flowerybeanbag · 23/07/2008 20:09

I have no intention of starting a SAHM/WOHM debate at all. I am working part time from home with a nanny taking care of DS.

It's ideal for us, I am still 'around' and pop in on them from time to time, and still spend lots of time with DS.

But a few things friends have said recently have made me wobble about whether I am a rubbish mother for not wanting to stay at home with DS all the time. Nothing remotely critical of me and my choices, just idly mentioning that they love being at home with their child and would like to do it all the time.

I could if I wanted to, financially, but I don't want to.

Of course I do know I am not a bad mother, and I know DS is fine, he loves his nanny and still sees loads of me. But I just need some other people to agree that it's not wrong of me not to want to be at home with him all the time.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:

georgimama · 23/07/2008 20:11

you aren't rubbish. You are not a bad mother. It isn't wrong of you not to want to be at home all the time.

I'm afraid this will descend into a WOHM/SAHM argument though, because people feel the need to be "right" and the only way to be "right" is if someone else is "wrong".

Good luck with going back to work, your set up sounds great, hope it goes well.

Original poster

flowerybeanbag · 23/07/2008 20:12

thank you georgi.

I hope it doesn't descend, but I know what you mean.

OP posts:

Cicatrice · 23/07/2008 20:16

No you're fine. Everyone should do what suits them - if they can afford it!

It sounds like you have a really good compromise worked out. And nothing is carved in stone. If it turned out that you - or the baby - was miserable, you could change things.

It's all a work in progress. And every mum/baby unit is different.

daisydora · 23/07/2008 20:17

Of course your not wrong. I went back to work nearly a year ago. thought it would kill me being away from DD, but financially I had too.

Now I love being back, I only work part time. But I just get a chance to be 'me' iyswim. Nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work. I bet your a great mum - I know I am

tribpot · 23/07/2008 20:20

I also think it will descend and think in advance that it's a shame that we can't be more supportive of the range of choices that parents make, from necessity and desire. I say parents to forestall Xenia's inevitable "why don't fathers feature in this debate" entry

Fathers feature very much for me in that dh is chronically ill and cares for ds part-time but cannot work. As a consequence I have no choice but to work full-time. Even if I did have a choice, I would choose to work - probably part-time but even there I'm not entirely sure. Hard to know when it's not an option.

The best option for you is the one that is best for you, your dh (I assume you do have one altho not mentioned) and your ds. Sounds like you have a good arrangement that works for you - that should be the end of the story. If it makes you feel better I get the guilters from ds all the time about "I miss you when you're at work mummy" "don't go to work mummy" and simply have to go I know part of it is just what kids do but it makes me feel like hell. On the other hand, knowing I have to do it makes it easier to bear, in some ways!

God it's complicated.

Original poster

flowerybeanbag · 23/07/2008 20:26

Yes, there is a DH, he works long hours and sometimes weekends/evenings at home as well, but spends loads of time with DS at weekends and is very supportive of what I do.

I am very happy with the arrangement we have, and I know I am very very lucky to basically be able to choose. There was just a tiny niggle that maybe I am a bit weird for not wanting to be SAHM even though I can.

I know I'm not weird really, but there was a bit of a niggle.

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 23/07/2008 20:30

Blimey. You're living the dream as far as I'm concerned

Other people's preferences are just that.

There's always a niggle. I'm going back to work after nearly 5 years out. Can't wait. But there's a niggle...

ilovemydog · 23/07/2008 20:32

Are you kidding - working part time from home. No travelling to and from work or stuck in traffic jams in your own time? Hours to suit you and family? Presumably doing a job you enjoy?

A nanny DS loves and you nearby?

What's the dilemma?

Sounds absolutely perfect!

Original poster

flowerybeanbag · 23/07/2008 20:58

I know, I am very lucky. And happy.

Feel better, thank you. I know this is the right thing for all of us, just need other people to reassure me I am not weird for doing it when I don't have to.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 23/07/2008 21:01

I was keen to get back to work when DS was 11 mths old, and despite some niggles about my circumstances i.e. wish I could work 3 days rather than 4,and how come I still seem to be the only one in our household who knows where the blinkin laundry lives, I am happier than I would be if I wasn't working.....I think.....I hope....Well on balance I probably am.

Thing is they aren't very interesting at 11mths, DS is a lot more fun now, but I still don#t think I'd like to be with him every day all the time.

tootiredtothink · 23/07/2008 22:30

No, no, no!! Don't give up work.

I'm a SAHM and although appreciate how lucky I am to have been able to spend the last 8 years at home with my dcs (and i have loved every minute), I also realise I am now brain dead (disclaimer - I am not saying that every SAHM is like me)!!!

You give such wonderful advice on here, can you imagine not being able to do that?

I also now have the problem of going back to work and not having the confidence to go for interviews.

I worked 4 days a week for a year after dd was born but found that too hard, oh how i wish i had fought harder for a part time position.

Sadly whatever we do as parents we will always think it's not good enough but your situation seems perfect - enjoy.

Original poster

flowerybeanbag · 24/07/2008 08:53

thanks all

I have no intention of giving up work tootired, don't worry about that.

It was just hearing others say they love being at home all the time and wishing they could do it that made me wonder if I am a bit weird for not wanting to. I just needed a few people to tell me I am not a three-headed monster....

I feel a bit more rational this morning.

OP posts:

Thisismynewname · 24/07/2008 08:58

Ignore everyone else, there is no right/wrong situation (although yours sounds pretty ideal to me ).

Your choices are your own and you know your family better than anyone else.

jamescagney · 24/07/2008 10:36

flowery I feel the same way.
I've posted loads of times saying that I couldn't stay at home full-time, I know I'd be rubbish, wouldn't enjoy it and would make my lo miserable! I love working (most of the time), enjoy having my own day and news to share with lo and dh and feel that if I stayed at home, I would be a miserable old bint who pounced on dh as soon as he walked through the door! You are having a wobble cos most of your friends are sahms, so for them that's the right choice.
You've been a such a star to me (have name changed but spect you know who I am)and to many other MNs. Don't tell us now that you're infallible!
checked with dh last night re best car for you to France -hope its not too late , Ford Galaxy, Mercedes mpv thingy and Chrysler (one that Jordan has!) brain has forgotten some details.

jamescagney · 24/07/2008 10:41

just reread part of your message about your friends saying they'd love to stay at home. I often say I'd love to stay at home, cos it's expected . I'm delighted that we can't afford for me to stay at home (which is the official reason and quite true) but never admit the truth!

(It's a bit like the ttc thread everyone's friend says that they got pregnant unexpectedly, no one ever says we were trying for ages and nothing doing!)

I digress, however, sounds like you've got it sussed girl!

WideWebWitch · 24/07/2008 10:42

Good lord flowery, ignore your friends, honestly!

I agree, it's not wrong of you, of course not. It sounds as if you have the best of both worlds, well done.

llareggub · 24/07/2008 10:52

I think it is natural to have a wobble from time to time.

I wobbled when I went back to work part-time when DS was 6 months. I was very part-time and it was very flexible, but I'd had a very traumatic introduction to motherhood and I needed to get out of the house. DH is an alcoholic and it all came to a head when DS was born. He is fine now and has been in recovery for 20 months. We had a lot of support from his parents but work was a life-saver for me.

I went back to work full-time, as you know, when DS was 11 months old. By then DH was doing very well but a big part of me still felt that I needed to be able to support myself and potentially DS if DH fell off the wagon. It was very important to me then to be able to support myself now and in the future due to our particular circumstances, and emotionally it was the right thing.

Things are a lot better now and I have faith that DH will continue to be sober, and I have been able to cut my hours right down. I now work 2 days a week and I am very happy with the balance that I have.

For me, and I suspect very much that you are the same, work is a very important part of my life. Now that the financial imperative is no longer there for us as a family, I know that work satisfies me in more ways that financial. I gain all sorts of things from it that are personal to me.

Being at home with DS satisfies me in ways that I never thought possible in my pre-motherhood days. I'd never anticipated being happy pottering about at home, yet I am! I suspect however that I would not be content at home full-time, for a whole host of reasons that are very personal to me.

I am much happier in myself when I am working, and that must benefit DS. I am very lucky that my in-laws look after DS when I am at work, so don't struggle so much with feelings of guilt.

I say that wobbles are natural and a sign that you are indeed a loving mother. Your set-up sounds perfect!

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 10:55

ultimately you have to make the choices that work for you, and it sounds as if you have the right balance that works for you all and gives you a bit of extra cash into the bargain.

I have been a sahm for 6 years and wouldn't change any of it for the world, but I have recently come to the conclusion that the longer you don't work, the harder it is to go back. I have an interview tomorrow and i am absolutely bricking it and have already convinced myself that I have not a hope in hell's chance of getting the job even though the people I wrote to asking for references all replied saying that the department I worked for hasn't been the same since I left and they would be happy to give me glowing references.

I think when you do one thing for such a long time you lose your confidence for doing other things, so a situation where you work from home and essentially have the best of both worlds is, IMO, ideal.

findtheriver · 24/07/2008 12:59

flowery - you often post giving really sound and insightful advice. Would you really be doing that if you weren't happily working in a successful career?? I agree with everyone else who says that you seem to have a fantastic arrangement - you have a worthwhile and stimulating career, your son gets positive and stimulating interaction with another adult as well as his parents, which is no doubt doing wonders for his confidence, and you won't have to go through the awful soul destroying climb back up the ladder after having years out of the job market. Sounds to me like your friends are a weeny bit jealous if anything!
I think it's totally normal as parents (and maybe more so as mothers) to question whether we are doing things 'right'. I don't need to work either, for financial reasons, but I certainly need to work to keep my brain ticking over! You sound as though you have a great balance in your life - enjoy!

CatIsSleepy · 24/07/2008 13:03

flowery don't worry about what your friends say...
FWIW I feel the same way as you about not wanting to stay at home all the time and I don't think it makes me a rubbish mother
sounds like you've got it made tbh! enjoy

Original poster

flowerybeanbag · 24/07/2008 19:31

thank you everyone, for lovely supportive and reassuring messages

We are very lucky. I do agree I have the ideal set up and I'm very confident that it's the right thing for all of us.

I'd be rubbish at being a SAHM I think. I would just get bored spending all week just DS and me. This way's brilliant for us.

(JC thanks for tip about car, we've gone for a Chrysler Voyager, so pleased to hear you recommend it as we're doing it sight unseen. I will get out the pink hotpants a la Jordan. Not. )

OP posts:

Twinkle21 · 24/07/2008 21:50

Flowerybeanbag

Don't worry about what your friends say, do what is right for you.

I couldn't stay at home with DD all week, I would go mad! I went back to work when DD was a year old. I had so many people saying "Oh its such a shame you can't stay at home with DD, she is going to miss you so much and of course you will miss out on so many firsts". DD is at nursery and totally loves it, she gets to do messy stuff, baking and all sorts of things that she wouldn't necessarily do with me if we were at home and I get some time to be "me".

It sounds like you have the perfect set up for you and your family - enjoy it!

Twinkle

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