Life after mat leave - solicitor

[WiseLimeUser]

Hello! I would be grateful for some advice. I have been back to work for about 2 months. It genuinely feels awful with my 1 year old being ill at nursery most of that time. I'm really struggling with managing my house, baby and my job! My work seems very demanding, so when the little one is ill, I have to work in the evening. LO doesn't sleep well at night. We have tried sleep training but LO was literally throwing up crying... now LO has another cold so just doesn't sleep. I am working feeling so tired. People at work at not that understanding of the whole situation.

Can any fellow solicitors or similar professions say - how did you cope?

I feel stressed out most of the time now. My to do list is endless. I have a cleaner coming once a week. In laws sometimes help but they are busy with other grandchildren and my parents still work.
Thanks x

I sympathise but have to advice as I never found a solution. It is hell when your child doesn’t sleep and you have to work long days including in the evening to catch up. In the end I became a PSL as the stress just got too much. Life is now much more enjoyable.

The first year back is the hardest but you will get through it i promise!
The game changer for me was co-sleeping. EVERYONE got a good night's sleep! Baby needs you and that is why they're crying for you at night! Sod all this sleep training crap! It doesn't work for everyone and your baby is clearly needing you!
It can be done very safely (follow the safe sleep 7 rules) and you will feel a million times better for it.
It also certainly doesn’t ruin their sleeping for the future so don't be put off by that either!

No specific advice, but sending sympathy. We had the same thing with throwing up from crying during sleep training, and no sleep while trying to hold down a job. I just don't think sleep training works for all kids.

Hang in there. Don't make any decisions you'll regret down the line - it does get easier over time.

I agree completely with the cosleeping!

Where is your husband in this? Does he help with drop off / pick up?

Do you work full time? I had to drop hours to make it work.

I’m a doctor rather than a lawyer, but a similar level of concentration is needed at work. I have three kids under 5. Co-sleeping isn’t always peak relaxation, but has been the best way to maximise sleep for all of us.

Thanks, we are co sleeping (despite the failed attempt to sleep training). Maybe there's nothing I can do at the moment and just wait until he gets more immune! Wow three children under 5, you must be super resilient!

Hi OP I’m a solicitor and I’ve been back at work 6 months after baby number 2. It is really hard. I actually posted a similar thread earlier today. I got promoted while I was on mat leave which was great but part of me actually regrets it, it has just meant more pressure and higher expectations. So my advice would be to just coast for a while. Lower your standards and expectations of yourself and do the minimum you need to get by each day. This phase is just about survival.

Also, yes to co-sleeping or doing whatever you need to get the most rest! For us that meant sleep training, which went fine with our eldest, but then co-sleeping with our youngest who didn’t take to sleep training. Do what works best for you and your family, there’s no judgement.

Hello op! Totally understand your situation, I am also in a similar line of work and struggled at first for exact same reasons as you! I unfortunately threw in the towel but resumed work now after having my second because I knew exactly what to do and not to do.
the co sleeping absolutely if it works do it! Anything to get you sleeping. Hello op! Totally understand your situation, I am also in a similar line of work and struggled at first for exact same reasons as you! I unfortunately threw in the towel but resumed work now after having my second because I knew exactly what to do and not to do.
the co sleeping absolutely if it works do it! Anything to get you sleeping. Ibuprofen works wonders when they’re sick at night right before bed as works longer (8hr)
also part time and if you can I found having day off in between helps to stay on top of things as opposed to consecutive days. It does get easier, like everyone says hang on in there , the sickness do get less eventually once they’ve had everything! And you find your own methods and balance :) now I’m back ar work part time with two under 5 and wish I went back earlier! Also do anything it takes to make life easier , takeaways oven food on working days, dishwasher; online groceries etc etc anything that saves u time xxx

Thank you! Maybe that's something to consider. Now I constantly feel bad about not hitting my targets etc not exceeding the targets. I used to love this job and have never thought that I'd get to the point of dreading Mindays.

Congratulations on your promotion ! Thanks for advice, this is what I think I'll do, lower my expectations. It's hard when everyone else is competitive, but I guess I can't work every night after Lo sleeps having no rest. May I ask how long does the survival phase last on average? A lot of people told me that bad sleepers tend to sleep better when they turn 2! We co-sleep, LO just wakes up randomly now. Thanks so much x

Thanks for this! I really appreciate yours and everyone's advice. My MIL said "we used to just get on with things". So it's nice to see that others also find it challenging and it's not just me being "soft". X

I am a solicitor but my DC are now older.

Looking back it wasn't worth it. My strong advice to anyone in the profession is to spend as much time as possible with your DC. Juggling that job and small children is extremely difficult and there's a strong chance you will look back and wish you hadn't spent so much time at work. I would go part time whilst your baby is small. i appreciate there will be a financial trade off.

I went back to a professional type of job part time after DC and would definitely recommend doing this if it is affordable for you.

Thank you for your answer and I really appreciate your honesty! It is so hard with targets and deadlines! I have gone to 4 days. I have been told that my job can't be done in 3 when I asked about 3. Maybe in house is better.

My eldest was an awful sleeper and I think he started sleeping through the night when he dropped his nap around 2 and a half. But I don’t think his sleep did improve substantially around 2ish. It’s a bit of a blur tbh though as my second was born shortly before my eldest turned 2.

Don’t worry about everyone else. Work
and career progression will still be there when you’re ready for it. I’m mentally preparing myself for it to take about a year before I feel confident and comfortable at work again

Also if in house is an option for you I would definitely seriously consider it. Most of my lawyer friends who have just had kids have moved in house and have zero regrets. Unfortunately it’s not an option for me in my area of law, but if it was I would definitely do it

I’m not sure it’s resilience, although medical training is probably useful preparation for being up all night!

In all seriousness, I think you will gradually adapt to the new normal and make things work. You’ll also know if your priorities have shifted and you need to change things up at work to fit your new life! I think it can be really tough when you’re in a career that is kind of all consuming and identity-forming before kids. Personally, I was totally unprepared for my whole whole identity to change with parenthood (though I appreciate not everyone feels that way).

You absolutely have my sympathy. I know from experience (a long time ago now) that working 4 days a week as a fee earner when you are the mum of a one-year-old is bloody hard work! For me the move to a PSL role was a game changer. Much easier to manage because your task list is a lot more predictable. Do you work in an area of law where that might be a possibility for you?

Hi OP, I went in-house when my DC was five. Best move I ever made getting out of that law firm. Cue to leave was when trying to homeschool my reception age kid and full time WFH during COVID and the partner I worked for was like “yeah, I get it, you’re not around much during the day, that’s cool, you can do the night shift at work”. Oh yeah? And when do I sleep Daniel???? In-house was brilliant in terms of hours and not that much of a pay cut. Strong recommend.

Definitely feel the identity change is affecting me, I used to take as much on workwise as I could to feel that I am "one" of these people in my team! I wanted to be part of the gang. However, none of them have children! I used to go to the gym at 6am before work! It is hard to give all that up at the moment, but I guess it's just temporary. I'm just praying he'll sleep better. As you say, I need to think more in terms of new priorities. Thanks so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. Lots of older people like my mum, or MIL have just told me to get on with it as they did in the past! Not so much practical advice and no one ever mentioned a massive change, everyone in the family was just saying "you should have a baby now". Xxx

Another vote for in house, particularly public sector.. flexible hours, WFH, lots more annual leave and part time/job shares are very common. I could not have juggled private practice, I moved in house from my first mat leave.

I went back at 6 months and had to escape an abusive marriage 7 months later so if it's any consolation, it could be worse

I'm a GP. Cosleeping was essential. I started off like you working in the evenings to get my admin done, but realised I was so unproductive and slow because I was exhausted, and had half a mind on the other chores I needed to be doing. I swapped to stopping earlier on weekdays, relaxing properly, and then doing 2-3 hours at the weekend whilst DH had the children. Seems mad possibly but I worked so much quicker when I was up early cracking on and they were pottering in pyjamas.
The illnesses do reduce with time. Little one is getting exposed to so many new germs, 1-2 illnesses a month is fairly typical at this stage, which basically means you might get only a couple of days of them being well before the next thing! It won't be so bad in the spring. Make sure you're all taking multivitamins to be as well as you can be.
I have a rule that I must achieve one thing off the to do list daily. It helps me feel better. Consequently I do add every little thing to it, which also helps me feel in control. Not 'do tax return', but 'get annual interest summary for X bank', 'download receipt'.

I have an intense job and I’m completely drained after going back to work, and I’ve only gone back part-time. It doesn’t help that I’m not expecting again and was within the 1st month back!

I feel like a worn piece of string. It’s such a struggle just to keep on top of the basics, in and out of work.