Advice on getting along better with Line Manager

[MummyHummous]

Can I ask for advice?
I have worked at my organisation for 7 years and in my current job for just over 4. I am on my 3rd line manager in my current job and I’m finding it difficult to get along with them. I’m thinking it may be a me thing and I’m just over sensitive. I should perhaps just shrug it off.
Since they started 10 months ago, I have tried hard to get along well and be a helpful and caring colleague to them but there have been a number of times when I’ve realised that they apparently have no empathy, no interest whatsoever in me or my welfare or in how I’m doing at work. For example, they might see me struggling with something and do nothing at all, and if I say I’m struggling they might say I need to “educate myself” The other day I actually hurt myself at work - they did not even acknowledge me. Another time I was very upset about something that happened - to the extent that I had to go away to be upset in the ladies loos until I could compose myself. I know they were aware but they didn’t even acknowledge it. I try to make friendly conversation - “did you have a nice weekend?” etc, but they usually just say “yes” or “it was ok” and shut the conversation down. I don’t think they have ever asked anything about my life. They also always leave on time, on the dot, (as they aren’t being paid after that), but it means I have to stay late, unpaid, to get the work finished. It feels like they get all the praise as management fawns over them due to their great skill at techy stuff and data analysis. I think there have been only 2 occasions when I have left work before them, they are just not a team player. When I once said something about how stressful the job was, they replied “I’m not stressed”. End of conversation. But what most upsets me is their frequent rudeness towards me. The other day I asked them about something, although it was not work-related, and they said “How the hell should I know?!” I’m truly fed up and maybe I should tactfully call out this sort of thing when it occurs but do not want to rock the boat. I also feel not saying something at the time means things fester and I start feeling resentful. Any tactful and courteous ways of saying “Don’t talk to me like that!” please? For context, they are neurodivergent so could explain a lot.

Your post reminds me of my former manager. I had 3.5 years of hell in a tiny office with one other colleague. We used to wait for him to go out of the office to talk and would stop if we knew he was coming back. He was rude, aggressive, controlling and very argumentative. Luckily the director decided to make him redundant. I would never make conversation with him as I learned very early on that he just seemed to want to disagree with anything and everything you said, I think he liked confrontation. Your manager won’t change, it’s who they are. I would look to move on and I also wouldn’t stay late to get the work done. Good luck in whatever you decide to do

It may be that they find you too needy. Why not try just cracking on with your work, keep communication to a minimum. They might prefer that as a working style.

Don’t stay late, if the work isn’t finished it’s for the manager to sort out. You covering the gaps isn’t helping anything and you, understandably, resent doing it. So stop.

Drop the personal stuff, not everyone wants to chitchat and make small talk at work or get to know their colleagues. Also small talk is hard for neurodivergent people.

Focus on the work related stuff. For starters, leave on the dot like they do. What is the impact if you don’t do the work?

Rudeness is unacceptable. Their behaviour as you describe it sounds really unprofessional and inappropriate.

if you feel you can give them some feedback - use “I” statements and focus entirely the work impact. I need your support - for instance when I asked for help what I needed what XYZ. How can we work together to make sure I’m getting the support to keep performing well in my job?” for this one, make sure you have a plan as to what that looks like. What would you like them to do differently? Feedback is useless without actions attached.

“I’m having to regularly stay late to get xyz work done. That’s not something I’m able to do from now on. I’m letting you know because it will have an impact on abc, and as the manager I know you’ll want to find another way to address and mitigate the impact”. This one - pass it over and leave them to it. Follow it up with an email.

Stop trying to build up a personal rapport and keep it strictly work related. If they are rude then tell them so directly.

Take your lead from them. Stop staying late. you need to mirror what they are doing from now on. That’s what your company values.

Yes, as others have said, stop staying late!

Agree with others to stop staying late.

Do you have regular one to one meetings with your line manager? If so, this is your opportunity to put across issues with work load and what support you would find useful in real, tangible terms. Following the meeting, send an email of what was discussed and the outcomes agreed upon.

What was the nature of the event that lead you to become hurt at work? Was it documented? Was there any known risk factors involved?

Your manager is the problem not you.

Stop staying late and consider moving to another job.

I had a manager like this. Long story short, I tried so hard, lost a lot of confidence and eventually moved departments when another role came up.

Much happier now and I have a brilliant team and manager. I do feel she was definitely neurodivergent, which explains a lot but I just couldn’t work with her.

Stop trying with them. Keep conversations about work and professional.

I have a colleague who likes to complain about everything and everyone and will happily talk about how depressing her home life is, this is every single day. She never does anything to change any aspect.

I’ve stopped asking her how she is and keep conversations about work only. If she starts bitching about work I now cut the conversations.

Surround yourself with shit and you will soon start to smell.

But you don’t get to just prefer that as a line manager. As a manager you have a duty of care towards the staff you manage - to oversee their personal development and look out for their wellbeing.

I’m sorry OP, this is not a good manager. I suspect their neurodivergence is a big part of the explanation, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok.

I wondered if it would help to tell her what you need from her, as she’s not going to pick up on hints and social cues. For example you should raise the fact she leaves on time and you have to pick up the slack. If you are finding the job stressful you should ask to complete a stress risk assessment.

Is there another manager you could be moved to? Is there a more senior manage you could talk to, for example to suggest she is given some management training?

Remember you’re not friends you’re colleagues. If they have ND they may view it as a set role which requires them to only fulfill their work obligations. It may also help you to be more direct. If they are rude, tell them ‘that was rude’.

They have no interest in you outside of your role including not caring about your wellbeing or your life or discussing anything except work. Try to view and treat them the same way. Stop staying behind to do work… if it doesn’t get done then the manager gets the flack as well as the praise. Stop trying to be friends.

They sound horrible. Your workplace sounds pretty toxic.

Your reply has got me thinking - am I too needy? I do crack on with my work, all whilst keeping them informed of what I’m up to as I think we should be collaborating and they are my line manager. For context, the things that I might struggle with are carrying some heavy items or the time recently when I should have educated myself was when I was unable to get my head around some new complicated (for me) spreadsheet formulas I was experimenting with. I do however do many things which should really help their job. I manage a team of about 20 casual works which we use from time to time but th majority do not want to deal with my line manager as they find her rude and non-communicative. She prefers me to do that part of the job and I enjoy doing it for the most part, I am only on just over minimum wage though. I think if I need help I will ask someone else or if I do ask my line manager I must ask directly.

Yes I am now only talking to the line manager when I need to, and won’t try to be friends. It does feel demoralising though when I have to spend 7.5 hours mostly alone with them every day. But o see your point.

It wasn’t a big incident, I just trapped my fingers in a heavy door whilst trying not to let it slam loudly. Will be more careful next time as it bloody hurt. But no real damage done, to me or the door.

Thanks great advice, sounds like a plan.

By “keeping them informed
what you’re up to” do you mean you’re narrating a long list of everything you’ve done since your last one to one? Some of which will be a repeat from the previous time?

Or split it into priorities affecting delivering objectives, any issues or blocks you’d like their assistance with, anything praiseworthy you’d like to flag from your wider team for wider recognition?

As a line manager I want to know what’s going well, or not, particularly flagging up issues that should be dealt with to avoid a situation getting worse. Any support, training or wellbeing needs.
I don’t want a stream of consciousness download of everything done in the last week or fortnight.

Having said that, I don’t think your line manager is going about this the right way, as they should be concerned about your wellbeing and they should be making it clear what they expect in 1:1s.