Not sure I can cope anymore

[Sliverofdarkness]

I'm working in a professional job for the last year and a half, and I feel like I can't go on. Every day, I go into work and feel utterly useless and like I'm failing.

I've been on a really steep learning curve since I started the job as I had taken a 7 year career break with 4 kids, and covid made it impossible for me to go back to work when I wanted to as we had no extended family support. So I waited til my youngest started school.
I was delighted to get the job, but quickly realised I'm completely out of my depth.

I've done some training but I have to use a lot of different computer programs I haven't used before, and one which is particularly really complicated. I go into work every day, feeling awful and using AI to try to find out how to use the programs. I feel so useless as everything takes me forever. I'm embarrassed to ask for help as my age (47) would imply I'm senior, yet there are loads of 22 year olds that are computer whizzes at all this stuff I'm struggling with. The office is huge and unlike anywhere I've ever worked before and I feel like a complete nobody. I recently cut back my hours to half days so I can cover childcare myself as my reduced salary without the childcare expenses made no difference in our overall income compared to me working full time and paying for childcare. It's making life simpler as I now have time to cook dinner and bring kids to their activities, but I feel even worse as I accomplish so little in half a day. I'm not being paid well either, considering my qualifications, so I feel really down, working alongside less qualified people, half my age, on the same salary or probably more.
Just feel like giving up.

You’re doing a great job of navigating change. It’s hard to juggle both work and home (and I hope youre getting support with home), but you will find your balance/shortcuts/sanity as routines kick in.

re the work - kindly you say that you are more qualified but struggle with the programmes necessary to do the job. It’s completely normal that you’ll need to take time to get your head around the systems, and then your experience and expertise can be best used, but you have to get the basics right. get the manuals / training and continue to invest in yourself

You’ve been there long enough that genuine incompetence would likely have been noticed and addressed by your manager. So I’m going to assume you are not completely terrible at the job.

First thing is to decide whether this is work you want to do. If so, you have to find a way to swallow your pride and ask for help where you need it. And are the same time identify where you are good at the job and where your previous experience is a benefit and allow yourself to feel good about that. When you ask for help don’t apologize or talk yourself down, just be direct and confident in asking.

On the other hand, if you actually don’t want to do the job then start thinking seriously about what you do want instead and move towards that. Whether continuing to focus on home and family or finding some other work that fits you better. If you decide to spend longer out of the work force do so with confidence and because you want to, not because you think you can’t do anything else.

Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot. I ended up taking the day off today, as I really couldn't cope with work, along with kids and house. I am also getting work done on our house and having to deal with tradesmen who haven't done the job right. I haven't slept in a few nights and really struggling.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm constantly wondering if they just haven't noticed as the office is so big, over 120 people. I need the job for money as my husband had a cancer scare and I'm worried about the future, but I'm only working there because my commute is very short and easy to get back to my kids school. I don't really like the job.

So do you think some of the anxiety about your husband’s health and the sense of everything potentially resting on you is affecting how you feel about the job? It sounds like there’s a lot of pressure to make a success of it so you can provide financially but you’re also still doing everything at home.

You don’t much like the job but it’s convenient, I guess that means on balance you’d like to make it work rather than find something else just yet.

Some of the things bothering you— about working alongside much younger colleagues, maybe people would expect you to be more senior etc — honestly you just need to be quite strict with yourself to not give those thoughts any headspace. They won’t help you. You’re doing what’s best for your family, let people think what they want (they probably don’t think anything bad about you in any case).

On the actual work and the software you have to use, pick one thing at a time and ask for help. Frame it as wanting to become more expert, looking for tips and tricks, wondering if someone else has a more efficient way to do x. Anxiety gets worse with being hidden so the only thing guaranteed to make you feel shit is continuing to go in, believing you’re incompetent, and hoping no one notices you. Scary though it is, letting people see the things you’re ashamed of usually makes them feel less shameful.

No harm in keeping an eye out for other options at the same time though. Do you have an idea what kind of job you’d prefer?

Big hug, sorry you are feeling this way