Changing a few details as this could be identifying.
I’ve known this friend for around 10 years, originally through work. We used to be closer but I actually haven’t seen her in person since Covid, although we still message occasionally. She’s a senior academic, so when I needed a character reference for a job I thought she’d be a good person to ask. I asked before applying and she agreed.
I’ve had a horrible period of unemployment and insecure freelancing, financial problems and my mental health suffering because of it. I finally got offered a job I really wanted.
The employer emailed my friend on a Friday asking if she could return the reference by early the following week "if possible". The email was perfectly polite and gave a phone number if she preferred to do it that way.
My friend was immediately annoyed about the timescale, called it poor HR practice and basically said to me that the employer needed putting in its place. It’s actually a very small charity, while she has spent her career in big universities with HR departments, plus I explained the manager requesting the reference was both neurodivergent and did not have English as her first language, so I thought friend's reaction was a bit much.
She kept putting the reference off, forgot about it, and I ended up reminding her three times.
On one of those occasions I sent a message where I opened up properly about how much the job meant to me. I told her how bad the previous period had been, including the unemployment, money worries and the effect on me personally. I suppose part of me hoped that once she understood how important this was, she’d think, “Right, I need to get this done for her.”
Instead she completely ignored everything I’d told her and immediately picked apart how I’d written the message, telling me how other professionals might judge that sort of thing.
That really hurt. I’d just made myself quite vulnerable and basically said, “This job could make a huge difference to my life”, and her response felt like marking my homework.
She did eventually send the reference. It wasn’t negative, but it was very brief and generic for someone who has known me for years. Like she couldn't be bothered. Maybe that's my fault as I did say, impatiently, that it wasn't an essay they were asking for.
What bothered me even more was that she added a little passive-aggressive remark at the end about "if you need further information at short notice". She didn’t directly complain or refuse; it was more of a pointed little aside. I thought it was unnecessary and embarrassing for me. Whatever she thought about their timescale had nothing to do with whether I was suitable for the job.
If she was genuinely too busy, that would have been completely fine. I had other people I could have asked. I just wish she’d said so instead of repeatedly pushing it back and forgetting about it.
The employer has now gone quiet and I still don’t have a confirmed start date, so naturally I’m worrying that the delay may have mattered.
There’s also a small part of me wondering if there’s some competitiveness going on. I've had some nice recognition and publicity myself recently for non work matters. Her choosing that particular moment to pull me up over a minor writing mistake made me wonder if there was an element of putting me back in my place. I may be completely wrong about that.
More than anything, though, I’m questioning the friendship. I’d thought of her as an old friend who would be happy to help me to get back on my feet. Now I’m not sure I’d ever use her as a referee again, and I’m wondering whether this is one of those friendships that has simply run its course.
AIBU?