Workplace stress and working with a narcissist

[CalT]

For the last two years i have been managing a small health centre with a team member who displays distinct covert narcissist traits. He knows that i know about these traits so is making it his mission to make my working life as uncomfortable as possible by undermining me and planting little seeds of doubt about me to colleagues. He is charming to all the 'key' people and always volunteers to do extra work to help them and make him self look indispensible. I have been unable to speak to my line manager as she has been in a sexual relationship with him until recently and my working relationship with this line manager has deteriorated as a result. He can longer manipulate her into doing his 'bidding' for him so has now charmed another manager into believing his bush and she is now claiming that im not doing my job effectively. I am doing 3 jobs - marketing, admin/finance/reception desk and management which is too much and means that inevitably, im not able to give each part of my job 100% but she isnt listening and has recently introduced a fortnightly goal setting meeting during which she lists things that i havent done. Theres never any reference to everything i have done! The stress is affecting my life outside of work to the point where ive been to the GP today who has given me a 3 week sick note. This is unfamiliar territory for me and whilst it will be great to have a mental and physical rest i think i may just fret about the return to work in 3 weeks time. Has anyone else been through something similar?

Yes, I’ve been through something similar. It’s incredibly draining when someone is good at managing impressions while quietly undermining you. Your GP signing you off suggests the stress has become significant. Use the time to rest, document everything, and think about your next steps. You’re not alone.

Do you have a job plan/appraisal plan/role outline? Nevermind what he/they think of you - I'd be asking to review that in reference to the tasks you are doing every week. Keep your own list of achievements on a weekly basis, diaries of what you are doing with your time. And honestly, look for a post elsewhere if you can.

Sorry you're going through this..

I experienced this... I was good at my job but it made me ill

Speak to your union if you have one.

Document everything!

In relation to goal setting meeting..
I'd think seriously of pushing back.

How long have you been there? Has there been any query re your work previous to this man?

Look very closely at your job description... How far what you're actually doing has deviated from this? Document all the discrepancies.. In these discrepancies lies your argument I suspect.

Take legal advice...

Sadly in these situations, often the only course of action, unless they leave is to find other employment yourself.

In empathy.
Good luck

If it’s making you so unwell look for a new job. It sounds toxic where you are, don’t waste your energy fighting a situation like this. If your organisation think it’s ok for a manager to have a relationship with an employee then no sense will be found.

Thank you for your comments, it helps to know that theres support out there as im feeling extremely isolated at work. I had 15 years experience in a different role at the same institution but left to try sonething new in 2017. Id never had any problems during those years and was a valued, active and hard working member of the team. I returned in 2024 to this role and was so excited to be back. My JD bears little resemblance to the job im actually doing and the role has evolved as the centre has become more established. The narcissist told me that he and my line manager (who he was sleeping with) put my JD together and they together added a range of duties that ive never actually had to do to get the grade. The grade bit is BS as im fully aware of the duties that are required for the grade. Ive also been told that he was moved from his old building to his new role (before i started) as he had upset so many people. I asked why something wasnt done about him at that time and was told that he was being protected by my line manager. I will look for another role but im nearly 60 and whilst i have lots of employable skills i do wonder whether my age will work agsinst me (even though i know that employers shouldnt discriminate). The task and goal setting meetings are a joke and i have stood my ground but the meetings are always 3:1 and on the many occasions when ive made valid points in response to their constant put downs, one of the others will jump in with something petty before ive had a chance to catch my breath. Im not in a union as ive never felt ive needed that protection but i will join one if im fortunate enough to secure a new job with a different employer.

I'm sorry you're going through this @CalT
I would document everything and keep a personal record. Keep communication to minimum as much as possible. Put communication in writing too so you have a written record if anything is disputed.

I'm doing just that at the moment in my job. My manager is a manipulator who likes to extract personalinformation and then use it against people when she feels like it. She comes across as nice as pie. She's a nasty piece of work and I see through her even more.

To add to that, there are only 2 people in my team and my colleagie is a senior. He refers to our manager as a 'surrogate mother'. He actually told me that. He can do no wrong, qhat he wants he gets. Between the 2 of them I feel isolated.

I'm actively seeking alternative employment because AI have had enough of this sick environment. Until I can leave, I'm documenting everything and I plan on reporting to HR when I have secured a new job and report the bs going on.

I would advise keeping cool and calm and focusing on you and your wellbeing. Just keep your head down at work and do the job and no more. The rest is a waste of time.

Sorry didn’t spot how old the thread was

Hi @TheZanyScroller, im sorry to hear you're going through something similar but from what i've read, there's far too many people in similar situations. HR unforuntunately are generally more interested in managing the reputation of the company/institution rather than individual staff welfare so I hope you find a better job soon. X

It sounds like he’s got form and you might get a positive outcome if you say something to upper management/HR. It doesn’t have to be especially formal but you’re putting up with wholly unacceptable behaviour and if the org is overall good, you might be supported. How well do you get on with those above her? Is there another manager in the organisation who knows you that you can have a confidential chat with?