Stuck - on the edge of burn out

[frozenOver]

I’m on the edge of burn out, which probably means I’m already burn out as I have a ton of symptoms already but I’m stuck.

I have a huge thing to delivery in the next few weeks and I know I need to hold on until those deadlines are over but also nothing will change after.

Im neurodivergent and part of the extra anxiety and pressure are due to manager and senior manager asking for me to change my “communication style” and a bunch of other things which are related to my neurodivergency which I’m struggling to do. honestly, this is all likely a way to manage me out as I’ve been labelled “difficult” due to asking questions and generally being the longest serving staff member.

I’ve been applying for jobs but there’s not a lot in my sector.

I can’t even figure out which option is the best?

1. Do I try and fight and stay? - but I’m so fucking tired
2. do I finishing this big deadline and then go off sick for a bit to recover?
3. do I resign now? - pushing out family finances to the brink until I find something else?
4. how do I change me further to fit into a box that’s never going to fit?

Im going to the GP to go back on ADs since I’m running on empty but then what? I don’t know how to keep going but also can’t stop.

Does your employer know about your ND? I thought employers were required to provide suitable adjustments rather than asking you to change. You say you're a long-serving team member. Has it always been like this or has something changed?

I wouldn't resign at the moment with the jobs market as it is, especially if you say it'll put your family in a difficult financial position.

Can you speak to a manager or someone at work and explain that you're struggling?

Do you have an employee assistance program -eap?
I used them in my last job to talk thing through with a cousillor. They won't fix the issues but it can be good to work through things.
Theyhelped me understand that it wasn't me who was the problme but I was in the wrong role and also had a manager whos style didn't work for me.
I too was almost at breaking point coming up to a bigmilestone and felt I could not go off sick and leave everyone in the lurch.
I always had a few days booked off every 6 weeks and I having. few days respite ahead helped me keep going.
I ultimately got a new job and am much happier so far.

I'd deliver the project and then take a week off sick and see where you are. I have basically just done e this and feel a bit clearer on day two already. I am not sure what the future looks like, but I don't need to know the answer to that until Friday.

Good luck

Thanks both. Yes my employer knows about my ND but they seem to see my lack of immediate change of my “comms style” as a deliberate wilful action on my part rather than understanding I cannot pivot on it while feeling like I’m under attack. Plus the way I see it is that the whole is a trap to manage me out. Adding to the feeling of being under attack.

Im desperately trying to find a new job.

I’ve used the employee AP before when I first started but the counsellor had no idea what to do with my ND so it wasn’t helpful. I went to the GP and they suggested the mental health nurse, which I guess is a similar thing.

I was doing best when I had outside coaching, which was cut due to cost savings. I might say that in my next perf review.

FFS I’ve been told I need to learn to be unemotional and not let my body language (& face) show my emotions. I really don’t know how to do that. I know this isn’t my fault. Before this job I would never have said that I was ‘rough around the edges’ ie I’ve always been outspoken but respectful and considerate, timid even. But now, I’m being treated like I’m shouting out profanities in meetings rather than having asked questions ,over several months, in good faith, which showed a big contradiction in how projects were run (based on big boss’ favourites) but which there was some sort of understood unspoken rule that it should not be pointed out. I literally did not see it or understand why my questions were being treated like they were toxic waste, until it was spelled out to me, by that point it was all way too late for me.

I think you need to try and see what you can do to stay in paid employment while you look for something to move to - to enable you to last can you just put your head down and say nothing. It sounds like things are not being well run and you are pointing that out but ultimately they don't want to hear that.
So f* them - do what you need to do to survive. Don't care about the place and keep a low profile. You are just in a holding pattern and keep your energy and enthusiasm for job hunting.
It worth trying for a councillor who is better matched to what you need -one withmore experience in Nd?

I ultimately don't think there is a lot you can do to hide your emotions....but maybe they can teach you a way to see things differently so your emotions are more measured...

Good luck but try even pivot a bit if you have to get out of there as life is too short.

I agree with @Pippinx
Things are being run badly but they don’t want to hear about it and it’s now being made to look like you’re the problem!

Best thing to do is quietly quit. Focus on what you can do and don’t give a sh*t about anything else. Keep your head down, don’t contribute in meetings. Just focus on surviving while you’re job hunting. Best not to quit without another job at the moment as the job market is dire. Go off sick if you need to get some breathing space to clear your head and help you see a way forward.

And I agree with PPs counselling may help you see things more clearly but I’d definitely be planning my way out of that place. Leave them to make their own mess of things, they don’t want your solutions!

OP im going to read between lines and offer some advice based on following assumptions:

• you are actually good at your job, but surrounded by office politics and foolish management decisions that, frankly, make you want to bash your brains out, it’s hard to be effective
• your face doesn’t seem to fit - there’s a lot of good talk about “bringing your authentic self to work” but the management doesn’t apply the principles in practice
• you’re actually good under pressure and can deliver to deadlines BUT you need respite to “decompress” between projects to be most effective. Management just expect you to give and give at full velocity.
• You always TRY to deliver, and you try to point out pragmatically why the delivery will be challenging - but management don’t listen. They continue to apply pressure - and usually due to factors not in your control they nevertheless make you look like you’ve underestimated the requirement or not put in the effort
• you get emotional because you are exhausted. You are mentally drained and your temper is hanging on by a thread

If this sounds a bit true then I’d say to myself : what’s the worst that can happen if this project isn’t delivered? You get reprimanded and put on a PIP. Your manager is forced then to oversee your “improvement” and HR is involved. That’s going to take months. If you are going to be managed out, you may as well let that process happen and don’t resign.

What would happen if you let the work slip timeliness/ quality , but followed the requirement on comms?

So you comment daily - factually - in writing - unemotionally (use ChatGPT to structure the comms!) on how far behind you are and why you cannot possibly catch up in the hours available.

What I mean is: sometimes management care more about style than substance.

A slick corporate team player is what they want. In reality a functional delivery expert is what they NEED. But giving them what they want - making THAT your focus - can be quite fun.

I had this in a job once. I made it a game. Could I get away with all the spiel and not really delivering anything and blaming other people like everyone else did? Well, reader, it turns out I could. Going overboard was the key to it - I was a fake and they loved it!

Eventually I left the job as I truly feared my work ethic might be permanently damaged.

But i did learn something and that is style DOES count and I still follow some of the ideas I took from it

Quietly quit OP. It does sound likely that you've ruffled the wrong feathers but not because of you, but because of how the company is run.
Stay, with luck they will make you redundant.
And please remember HR are there to protect the company and what the company needs/wants so they won't protect you against them unless perhaps you had financially ruining evidence.
Just go into silent mode, they cannot complain about your face if you don't have any words backing it up. In your review meetings just say yes/no/okay/thanks for the feedback.. give genetic answers. In project meetings just sit quietly unless asked a question and again very basic responses.
It's really hard with ND in the mix for you, but see it as protecting your wellbeing and mental health.
The job market right now is absolutely awful unfortunately.

If asking reasonable questions in meetings about a project you are working on makes others uncomfortable then are you really the problem? It sounds like the organisation has an issue where it is expected that everyone smiles and nods and pretends everything is okay to avoid upsetting those above. It is very difficult to keep up this pretence especially when your experience is at odds with what is being said. The thing is can you force yourself to just play along or is it time to move on?