Can I refuse to have 'one on one' feedback meeting with Line Manager

[dreamofastressfreelife]

Hello, its a long complicated situation but I feel like my line manager is putting me under uncessary scrutiny, nit picking, and perhaps even victimising me. It is obvious that I am depressed and stressed. I am being made redundant end December, and due to staff turnover she is 'delegating' (dumping) lower grade work on me. In fact the work she dumped today should not have come to us at all. I explained this by e-mail and she would now like to talk to me about my negative attitude. I've been in tears since. I don't want to have to cry in front of her, or justify my 'negative attitude'. Can I refuse to meet or insist that a union rep/HR/senior management be present? She keeps implying I have a negative attitude (this is to blame someone else for my near nervous breakdown). She will, sadly, be writing my reference, so she abuses this position of power.

No you can't refuse, and you have no legal right to be accompanied. I realise that redundancy is a stressful time for everyone, but if the business is going through change then work still needs to be done and work isn't attached to "lower grades" - you do come across as being rather negative. I can get why you'd feel negative too - it's understandable. But as you said, she writes your reference and you need it. So can you not, just for the next several weeks, put on a brave face and smile and nod and just do the work you are given. You can't control her, but you can control how you react to her, and that will reduce your stress and anxiety. Smile, do your job, go home. The job is a means to a wage, nothing more. If this were a long term future, then it might be worth thinking about it more. But you will be gone soon anyway, and I'd focus on what is really important - getting a nice shiny new job where she isn't your manager!

Thanks Moondust. It is really a struggle to bear her now, and the problem is that my brave face cannot be mustered as I am always on the verge of tears. I'll have to listen to her bollocks then. Swallow it, and carry on. I do appreciate your great advice.

If you weren't leaving I would suggest you fight back - but as you are, and you need her re reference, just count down the days...

I had a horrible line manager who said awful things in my 1 to 1. I complained but it was my word against hers, and HR wouldn't let me have anyone attend future 1 to 1s.
My only option was to get another job, all I can suggest is you count down the days, take the pay cheque and do everything you can to switch off at the end of the day.
In another role when being made redundant my line manager turned, would regularly tell me I didn't have to stay, I could walk out now...and loose my redundancy pay, it happened to everyone set to receive an ok payout. I made it into a game to cope, every day I beat her took me one day closer to redundancy pay.
Stay strong

I'm not sure I would trust the "advice" (opinion) from @Moondust. If your employer is large enough to have an HR department and union representation onsite then I would imagine they're big enough have a policy in place on this kind of thing. If you are a member of a union I would speak to them first. Or just factually say to your manager - my colleague x will be joining me at the meeting to support me. I don't see why they would refuse? What your legal rights are is hardly relevant. What would a vaguely decent human being say? "Of course, that's no problem". If it is a problem, then you have a pretty dysfunctional workplace and be very glad you are leaving.

My advice, having been through this and then the grievance, is if you are ever in a meeting with someone and they say something horrible to you, email them saying something like 'in the meeting today you said I was the worst member of your team. Is this what you meant to say?'

Every. Single. Time.

I would not let them get away with any of that shit now (hindsight is a wonderful thing mind...)

Op, to be fair you are very negative by your own admission. It is likely justified but that doesn't change the fact you're not positive.

I'd think carefully would it really be any easier for you to listen to her feedback with someone else present and witnessing it?

I don't have a lot of experience in this but I didn't want to just read and run.

I know you can't refuse it but I'd ask for someone to be present like a union member yes. Ask now get it sorted but don't do it alone if she's got a tendancy to twist stuff.

For the reference this is helpful advice, www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/leaving-a-job/getting-a-job-reference/getting-a-job-reference/

Are you sure that you cant ask someone other than her for your reference before you leave, or give their name instead? I had a problem line manager who did exactly this (was also bullying to me and other staff, and let's say told her DC who worked with us a personal matter of mine and broke my confidence). So I went to my manager above her and she actually got demoted to staff level after our meeting and sent on leave.

It's not nice, I'm sorry you're getting made redundant you would think she'd have some compassion knowing this. I didn't stay in that job above, the woman was so toxic it ruined my love for my job. Hope you have a fresh start when you find something new x

If you are being made redundant at the end of December, and have it all confirmed in writing, what is the point in a 1-2-1 meeting about your performance?
Yes, the business has to go on, but no matter how professional you can be, if you have been told that you are effectively not needed any more, what's the motivation to do more than count the days down?
Unless you have been involved in a redundancy situation personally, it is really difficult to appreciate and understand the mental impact that it can have.

What @RainbowMum11 said. Your manager sounds utterly shit and just the kind of person that shouldn’t be managing people. As if you’re going to slog your guts out when they’re making you redundant in 2 months! The lack of awareness and empathy of some managers never ceases to amaze me. I was made redundant 3 years ago along with a load of my colleagues and a couple of managers tried the “you’re still getting paid” shite with us when we eased off the gas in our notice period , they were soon put in their place, you’re entitled to be paid for your notice if you’re being made redundant!

Do HR not also have rules about what can go in a reference? My reference was literally just my dates of employment, grade and that I’d been made redundant, in line with company policy.

As for the meeting, go and let it go in one ear and out the other.

Would you get paid if you went off sick? Quite a lot when we were made redundant did that. I wouldn’t have given them the satisfaction of having them think their poxy job had made me ill mind you but that was just my stubbornness and determination to see it to the bitter end.

I'm not sure I would trust the "advice" (opinion) from @Moondust. If your employer is large enough to have an HR department and union representation onsite then I would imagine they're big enough have a policy in place on this kind of thing. If you are a member of a union I would speak to them first. Or just factually say to your manager - my colleague x will be joining me at the meeting to support me. I don't see why they would refuse? What your legal rights are is hardly relevant. What would a vaguely decent human being say? "Of course, that's no problem". If it is a problem, then you have a pretty dysfunctional workplace and be very glad you are leaving

That amount of twaddle and you don't trust my advice. This isn't even an opinion. It's an entirely unreliable rant about a fiction. Of course legal rights are relevant. And very few employers would permit you to have another person at a 121, never mind simply announcing that you will be inviting a third party. But you go girl - following your advice would be almost guaranteeing that you ramp up the situation and get yourself that less than helpful reference you need.

If you have something to say, then fine. But leave off the personal attacks on people that know considerably more than you do.

Hi All - I appreciate the feedback, and the more constructive support. I'm sorry if this has been misconstrued - I DON'T have a negative attitude. I put on a brave face every day at work, work my ass off, do much more than I think I should, am taken advantage of (because the line manager has done this with previous employees - one of whom was going to go for constructive dismissal, the other who, like me, struggled and struggled and thankfully got another job). I cry at home. I cry on the way in and on the way home. Generally I am nice to her and all. She is pushing me this week (since she lost the previous employee that she dumped shit on), pushing, and pushing...I feel it is micromanaging/victimisation. I feel confident that she will be exposed for this in the future. Its a shame I'm not in the position to be the one that exposes it - but I've found in life, that the truth will out. My employer (as in workplace) claims to care about mental health -and I think Moondust most certainly doesn't.

Also to say - I get very, very positive feedback from all my 'customers'. My 'line manager' doesn't see my work or know my work, its just a quirk of our set up that I officially report to her, and she is on a power trip. She doesn't dare throw this shit at any of the longer standing employees that she 'line manages'. She is hands off with them

I've turned up to 121s with a union rep in the. Didn't inform the manager as rep said I didn't have to.
The tone in the meeting was so calm. Union rep said nothing during the meeting but his presence was all I needed.
I can't understand why it would be different now.

Would one of your colleagues who is in the customer role be willing and appropriate to act as a referee? This would put your currently line manager in much less of a position of power over you.

If she has already said that she wants to speak to you about your 'negative attitude' then yes, you should take your union rep in with you. Just have them turn up at the meeting. The rep can explain why they are there if they are asked.
Sorry to hear about your redundancy. Our organisation are going through this at the moment. It's the very worst time of year to go through this. It's also very strange why she is bothering to have the meeting with you if you are leaving in three weeks. Hope it goes okay, let us know.

I'd be amazed if you're in the union, and your rep wasnt allowed to attend this with you op.

I'm a rep in a large business, and it's written in our peoples partnership that we can attend all meetings with members.

Do give your union a call and find out for sure.

Sounds like a shit situation, I hope redundancy turns out to a blessing in disguise for you.