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Original poster

Not telling my coworkers I'm pregnant?

23 replies

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 13:43

Hi everyone, this is my first post at mumsnet!! I wanted some advice and opinions!

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my third child, I work full time in an education environment. My boss knows, but my coworkers do not, and I'm quite happy not to share it with them.

I don't dislike my coworkers or anything but I am quite a private person, it's my third pregnancy and I don't feel like I need the fuss that goes along with it. My own reasons really. I was wondering your opinions on whether it's too weird/cold/unfriendly to NOT tell staff about my pregnancy, just leave on maternity leave citing personal reasons and then return after leave is up.

I was thinking of just sending a general email saying that I will be taking time off work from (date) and apologizing for any inconvenience caused.

What do you think? Is it too weird?

I should also mention that only one friend and my parents know - it's not like I would be hiding it from work but telling everyone outside work. I'm sure it's just the hormones but for some reason I'm retreating into my Little bear cave this time around! There ain't no Facebook announcing for me!!!

I'm very interested to hear your opinions. Thank you so much!

OP posts:

MumUndone · 17/06/2016 13:45

Won't it become obvious that you're pregnant?? You don't need to announce it as such, but I think people will guess sooner or later...

ApocalypseSlough · 17/06/2016 13:46

I would be concerned if a co worker left on maternity leave and only referred to it as personal reasons. I'd assume the prognosis for the baby was bad or you going to have the baby adopted.
It does seem to be an unusually secretive way to go about something that literally everyone on the planet has experienced.

RaeSkywalker · 17/06/2016 13:48

Will it not be obvious?

I know you're a private person, but this is very extreme- how long will you be hiding it for? When you bump into them in the supermarket when your child is 5? I also think it's unfair to hide this because people might worry about you and think you are seriously unwell when you're on leave.

expatinscotland · 17/06/2016 13:49

What Mum said. Even your other children will know, certainly.

Original poster

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 13:51

I've been pretty sick and have lost a ton of weight, so I guess that's how Its not shown yet? Dunno really. I don't care if people guess or not, it's more just I can't be arsed with all the unwanted advice, touching and nonsense that accompanies pregnancy at work. I've also seen a few other girls be kind of frozen out by other staff members, so maybe my internal response is to not make a big deal so it makes it easier to go back? IYKWIM?

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 13:52

Lol yea, my other kids already know, of course!!

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RaeSkywalker · 17/06/2016 13:52

I think it would be more awkward to go back with your plan, to be honest.

Floggingmolly · 17/06/2016 13:55

It's very very weird, tbh. I doubt you'll be able to hide it for much longer anyway. Why would you prefer your colleagues to assume you're ill, rather than on maternity leave??

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 17/06/2016 13:57

Bloody hell, you are doing well! I'm 15 weeks with no 3 it's verrrry obvious that I'm pregant already! How are you hiding it?!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/06/2016 14:01

I don't care if people guess or not, it's more just I can't be arsed with all the unwanted advice, touching and nonsense that accompanies pregnancy at work.

That's fair enough, don't tell them that you're pregnant until they notice.

But when you go, tell them its maternity leave. People will presume the worst otherwise, and it won't matter that they know at that point - they won't be around you to give you advice or touch you.

Keeping it a complete secret will seem odd. It is a bit odd.

WeAllHaveWings · 17/06/2016 14:03

We had a colleague in work (different department) do this once and it was weird and awkward for everyone.

Everyone started noticing her shape starting change (she wore a lab coat so it was obvious) and thought she was pregnant but didn't like to ask just in case she was just putting on weight. Then as she got bigger they still didn't mention it, but everyone was talking about it behind her back constantly, and about how weird she was not telling anyone. She went off on maternity leave without a word.

You might not want a fuss but it is much better than that type of awkwardness. If you don't want people touching you tell them not too, that must be easier to do than the daily stress of trying to hide a pregnancy.

Original poster

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 14:07

Anchordown that seems the best solution I think. Keeping it secret isn't actually the aim, more like not flaunting it too much? I don't even know what I mean myself!! Haha!

Of course I don't want to worry anyone. But I hadn't really thought about it! Thank you for the opinions!!

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Lunar1 · 17/06/2016 14:15

Not telling people now is fine. Saying you are going off for personal reasons is seriously odd.

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/06/2016 14:19

My coworkers know I'm pregnant but I had no idea that could be considered 'flaunting' it! You don't have to tell people anything you don't want but I don't think this plan will achieve your aims at all..

RaeSkywalker · 17/06/2016 14:22

Just to give you an idea of how people might worry- I had to have 7 weeks off with HG. It was too early to announce really as I was only 5 weeks pregnant when the HG started. So management knew but nobody else did- all other staff were just told that I was off work.

After a couple of weeks, people were asking my boss if I was dangerously unwell, had I had a horrendous accident, would I ever be able to come back, etc. I can't imagine how it would be after months off! I don't work in a gossipy office at all- people were genuinely concerned.

Floggingmolly · 17/06/2016 14:30

some other girls were frozen out What does that mean??
You are might be seriously over estimating other people's interest in your pregnancy...

fairgroundsnack · 17/06/2016 14:34

I am 23 weeks with #3 and there is no way in the world I could be anything but pregnant! Anyone who didn't know rapidly finds out as I walk past them...

Given the way you feel, I wouldn't say anything, but if they ask then confirm it without making any fuss. When you go off say you are going on maternity leave as I think there would be more fuss and attention if you just disappeared...

Marmalade85 · 17/06/2016 14:44

I didn't tell work until I was 5 and a half months as I didn't want special attention. I carried on as normal with minimum baby chat and my colleagues and boss certainly appreciated it.

Original poster

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 15:22

Flogging molly - I mean that they were kind of picked on at work. Their normal duties were changed, they were taken off their normal projects, their hours were reduced and they were put on menial work, made to clean toilets when they wernt employed as cleaners.
One got so stressed that she eventually got put on bed rest.
All of them took maternity leave but none returned. Of course I'm not privy to the reasons why.

I am also sure im worrying too much about this, however I just want to protect myself as much as possible. I need to work and im hoping for a smooth return if possible after maternjty leave.

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Original poster

SleepymamaJapan · 17/06/2016 15:24

Marmalade that's pretty much how I feel!!!

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SouthDownsSunshine · 17/06/2016 15:29

I'm amazed you can keep it hidden by this stage, even with sickness.

I hate sharing my pregnancy news with colleagues, it's such a personal thing. This time I told my boss, then my team members, and other than that, I let my bump do the talking.

What you described above is discrimination and clearly illegal.

LurcioAgain · 17/06/2016 15:39

"I mean that they were kind of picked on at work. Their normal duties were changed, they were taken off their normal projects, their hours were reduced and they were put on menial work, made to clean toilets when they wernt employed as cleaners.
One got so stressed that she eventually got put on bed rest.
All of them took maternity leave but none returned. Of course I'm not privy to the reasons why."

God that sounds horrible. It also sounds to me as though the problem is not your pregnancy, or your feelings about it, but your workplace being a shitty and discriminatory place. FWIW (admittedly I'm not an employment lawyer) I would also think that your former colleagues would have had pretty strong grounds for a case for constructive dismissal.

yorkshapudding · 17/06/2016 19:22

I wouldn't be surprised if people have already guessed and are just being too polite to say anything to be honest. If your sickness has been so bad that you've not gained any weight at all or have lost weight then surely someone at work will have noticed you being sick all the time and will likely have put 2 and 2 together.

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