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Original poster

The old working Mum vs stay at home mum

16 replies

cackle123 · 19/02/2016 17:14

Hi. I am a newbie here so please bear with ... I have 2 girls and I promised myself I would return to work when they were at school...youngest is now at school and I am feeling the pressure of returning to full time work (nursing) I have worked part time nights, evenings etc to bring some pennies in but I really want to get back to working in the clinics and have a bit of a life ... My problem is A: How do you sort child care during holidays??? I have no family and partner works away ! B: Youngest really apprehensive about going to after school club or child minder etc ... Plus does the cost of childcare overtake the benefit of working? Basically will I damage my kids by returning to work ... I have always been there after school and before school ... ANY advice welcome Thank you

OP posts:

CallaLilli · 19/02/2016 17:18

Did your partner damage the kids by returning to work? No. So why would you? If that was the case there'd be a hell of a lot more damaged people around as women working after they have kids isn't exactly a new thing.

Original poster

cackle123 · 19/02/2016 17:55

Thank you

OP posts:

LexLoofah · 19/02/2016 20:48

cackle I have been a working Mum (6 weeks, yes 6 weeks maternity leave as overseas at the time) and a SAHM and from my experience if anyone is going to be 'damaged' it will be the Mum rather than the kids. When I was working I always felt like I wasn't doing a good enough job at work or at home. Whilst DH did stuff around the house it was me doing the planning, the school stuff, the organizing, the shopping, the cooking etc.
DH started to work longer and longer hours and travels a lot, thankfully with that came the option for me to no longer work whilst not effecting us financially so for now I am at home even though DCs are both at school. Basically if I worked DH could not do his job and the DCs definitely would suffer and so would I.

I do sometimes think about perhaps a part time job but then the question of what to do with them in the holidays kills it. They could go do a holiday club at school but that is not the experience I want for them but I am fortunate I get a choice, I know plenty of others don't and it is not an awful option, just not preferable for us.

Who is putting you under pressure to work though? Is it just something you think you ought to do or would the extra money help? If so you need to look at sums esp around childminding costs.

Hope this helps, best of luck

Hassled · 19/02/2016 20:52

Does working in the clinics mean it has to be full-time? Could you start off part-time and see how it goes with the childcare for a year or so? Whatever you decide, you won't be damaging your kids - they'll adapt.

HeadDreamer · 19/02/2016 20:58

They won't be damaged because they went to after school club or holiday club. My mum worked full time and I am ok. So is my brother. I'm reasonably happy, have a PhD, a good job, married with children. My DB has a masters degree. Can't tell if he's happy ofc!

Plenty of people grew up having been to holiday and after school clubs you know.

Sagethyme · 19/02/2016 21:11

Do you like being a SAHP?
Do you need the extra money?
Can you easily take time off to look after DC when they are unwell?
you need to reasearch holiday child care, and be prepared for most of your salary to go on childcare during holidays.
I've come to the conclusion that its only worth working if
A) you earn enough to be able to employ a nanny OR
B) you have family you are happy to help out with childcare
OR
C) love your job so much and the thought of being a SaHP males you feel wretched and miseable.
But those are just my conclusions!!
You certainly wont damage your children by going back to work!

Sagethyme · 19/02/2016 21:12

?males? Sorry should be makes.

blueshoes · 19/02/2016 21:37

Hi cackle, I don't think you want to ask whether going back to work will damage your children. I know that is your concern but there are quite a lot of working mothers on mumsnet who will beg to differ.

DeoGratias · 19/02/2016 22:26

You will advantage not disadvantage your child by going back to work full time. I have always worked full time from when they were babies and all the chidlren have hugely benefited from that.

If their father works away give him a kick up the bottom and get him to get a new job near home so he can do the normal 50% parent thing and live with and be there to help with his own family like most normal men. Sunny Jim probably finds it convenient he works away but that will have to stop. if he doesn't like it - tough.

JizzyStradlin · 22/02/2016 16:43

There is zero evidence that you will damage your children either by not working full time or by not working at all. Treat any such claims with suspicion.

But the answer to holiday care is that lots of people have help from family. If you don't, you cover what you can between you with your annual leave, make reciprocal arrangements with other working friends if possible, and you throw money at the rest. Assuming you have holiday childcare locally to throw money at, of course. They don't exist everywhere, and that's why some people who would like to work aren't able to.

If you're a nurse, you might consider bank work?

rofa123 · 29/02/2016 11:15

Thank you all :) x You made me feel a little less neurotic lol ... I am so pleased that I have managed to get a term time position which is fantastic, I don't think I would have had the balls to ask before I read all the messages here! Thank you again ... Righty ho time to hang up the tea towels and try to fit back into my uniform.

KyloRenNeedsTherapy · 29/02/2016 11:19

Deo, I don't get your point about husband's job. My Dh works away a lot, getting another job where he doesn't work away would likely result in a huge drop in income which my salary couldn't match.

We manage but life isn't that black and white. If only.

DeoGratias · 29/02/2016 11:23

Yes, I know. It's hard. I've worked away on business too as many women do. I just feel it's a pity it is always women on lower pay staying home doing everythign whilst men swan off earning a fortune and get nights in hotels etc. Let the women have that life not the men.

KyloRenNeedsTherapy · 29/02/2016 11:37

I have quite a few female friends who do travel extensively even with kids - I'm a teacher so that was never my job anyway!

NNalreadyinuse · 29/02/2016 11:53

I do think that this is an issue for both parents to resolve, not just the mother. Not saying this is the case for the OP but often it is the mum who runs around like a headless chicken sorting childcare and logistics, while the dad carries on as before, as if none of this us any of his concern.

Certainly if a mum is wanting to return to work, her partner needs to do what he can to facilitate that, even whennit keans his own life doesn't run so smoothly. The default shouldn't be that it is her problem to resolve.

OP, you need to get your childcare and plans in place before you commit to a full time job, so look at breakfast and after school clubs, contact local childminders, investigate what holiday provision exists in your area - children's services at the council may be able to let you know wgat is available. Get your dh to look into working closer to home, if that would not disadvantage you financially to the point where you couldn't compensate through your own work.

thecountrysideistooquiet · 27/03/2016 23:06

I am in a similar position, dh spends 50% of the year out of the country, I have found it difficult to work due to not having any childcare or family nearby. I also used to be a nurse but gave it up as i could not get childcare to cover the early and late shifts and am now no longer registered. I have been accepted to university full time in September but have been informed there are no spaces for after school/breakfast clubs and all the childminders are full. I have my sons name on every list but have been told it is looking like 2017 before a space comes available. Dh changing jobs is not an option as his industry is in trouble (oil and gas) and we are very lucky that he has a job but he could lose it at anytime and there is huge unemployment. It is so difficult cause i want to work/study full time but without out of school childcare i am stuck

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