Best responses for being asked for pronouns in person

[Seraphinite]

I’m going to a residential training course (not UK) and I suspect they will ask us for pronouns when we introduce ourselves on day one. (I’ve been to something with this organization before and have seen it)

What are some good responses I can give? Is saying ‘I prefer not to say’ best?

I don’t want to draw attention to it, be adversarial or open up discussion, I just don’t want to answer.

(For avoidance of doubt, I don’t buy in to gender ideology so that’s why I don’t want to answer. To me, stating my pronouns indicates I think it’s an ok question to ask in the first place )

"what's that all about then"

They explain inclusivity etc

"Ok, but what if someone's not ready to share their status, wouldn't that be uncomfortable or outing?"

They say it's a choice etc

"Ok, then I'll leave it. Thanks."

@Mumsnut

‘Surprise me!”

I love this so much 😂

I would probably go with a breezy “no preference, say what you see” with the same eye rolling dismissive air that I would give any other silly icebreaker.

I’d be thinking of Erin’s cat 😂

If you are excited about the course then don't leave this until the day as it will sour things for you. Email them in advance saying you don't wish to say your pronouns. You can leave it at that.

When I am going to meetings where pronouns will be asked I email in advance with my reasons for not using them which are:
1- it's a barrier to communication for people whose first language is not English. Asking them to remember pronouns is a burden when they are trying to interact in a language they are not fluent in
2- it is exclusionary to people with neurodiversity who often struggle with the cognitive dissonance of pronouns
3- research indicates women are treated more harshly in environments which have reminders of biological sex eg board rooms with walls covered in paintings of old men, or pronouns being announced

I never use the reason that someone may not be 'out' or transphobia etc as I refuse to give credence to the idea that pronouns sharing is anything other than narcissistic control freakery!

I usually get a very quick apologise email and often the pronoun sharing doesn't happen

I hope you enjoy the course and that the pronoun thing works out ok for you

You could go the other direction and say some along the lines of ‘before 8am I use me, myself and I, then from 8-10.30 it’s he and him, from 10.30-11.43 it’s S/he or him/her, from 11.44 to noon it’s nee/na/noo’ and do on just to see how they react if anyone says anything unexpected... then if they comment say that you find being asked for your pronouns a really tedious and mysoginistic thing that detracts form and insults the individua being askedl, particularly when they are women, plus it’s such an insensitive daft thing to ask you thought that this time you’d asnswer to reflect that.
Or go for the concerned ‘are you ok? In a very caring, concerned voice, saying that most people have mastered pronouns long before they get to infant school but if they have a neurological condition that causes them not to be able to work them out that must be very tricky for them...

Sometimes a simple ‘pronouns? Thank you, yes please’ can be enough to move the conversation on too.

@Chrysanthemum5

If you are excited about the course then don't leave this until the day as it will sour things for you. Email them in advance saying you don't wish to say your pronouns. You can leave it at that.

When I am going to meetings where pronouns will be asked I email in advance with my reasons for not using them which are:
1- it's a barrier to communication for people whose first language is not English. Asking them to remember pronouns is a burden when they are trying to interact in a language they are not fluent in
2- it is exclusionary to people with neurodiversity who often struggle with the cognitive dissonance of pronouns
3- research indicates women are treated more harshly in environments which have reminders of biological sex eg board rooms with walls covered in paintings of old men, or pronouns being announced

I never use the reason that someone may not be 'out' or transphobia etc as I refuse to give credence to the idea that pronouns sharing is anything other than narcissistic control freakery!

I usually get a very quick apologise email and often the pronoun sharing doesn't happen

I hope you enjoy the course and that the pronoun thing works out ok for you

This is really helpful, thank you. I've not been asked at work as our meetings are usually daily and internal but if needed this will come in handy!

Wow, thanks for all the suggestions - lots of ideas for many occasions!

Pondering the suggestion of emailing ahead -slightly kicking myself as it was an optional question in the pre-course form and I left it blank. Wish I had commented on there and requested it wouldn’t be asked.

Can you not just say outright that you're not comfortable gender ideology so would prefer not to answer?

@aliasundercover

"I don't care what pronouns you use, but my adjectives are 'mighty' and 'glorious'. Please use them or you'll trigger me".

Love this!

@Warmduscher glad it's not just me

@Mumsnut

‘Surprise me!”

This made me laugh.

Chrysanthemum5

Nice tip! It's all a bit woke where I am so I am not sure this would work. My usual strategy is to turn up late :) But otherwise, I will do as you suggest!

I can't wait for someone to ask me. This is my answer:

'Why do you want to know, isn't that personal and private information. Are you asking people to out themselves, are you going to ask my sexual orientation next? This is highly inappropriate and I shall be sure to record this on my feedback to help improve future course content.'

I know there will be silent clapping in the heads of other people on the course.

Look really confused and say 'I prefer milk and no sugar please'.

Maybe if you're not religious you could say
"I'm an atheist'...

I dont use pronouns

"Oooo! Are we doing pronouns? I'll get my filofax and write them all down. This is going to be fun!"

I love “Surprise me!”

Others you could try:

“What’s available?”

“I’ve spent the last 40-odd years untroubled by such triviality and I don’t intend to start now!”

@SeaToSki

I dont use pronouns

I'm with this. I teach in HE so increasingly a minefield but I have referred to 'gender identity, if you have one' before. I don't and won't be compelled to.

Since the first time I was caught by this I always just repeat my first name, in it's short version.

Imagine my name is Katherine

Hi Katherine, what is your preferred pronoun

Kate

No, your pronoun

Kate

But

Kate

And it eventually dawns on them that Kate is entirely appropriate and that they can't really argue against it.

Should it ever be added to my email signature it would be

Kate The Feminist
Kate / Kate / Kate

@TabbyStar

"Me, me, me"

Or "Emphasising that I'm female hasn't really worked well for me given all the sexism in the workplace"

I think this is a useful approach, I might be able to say "I'm not comfortable emphasising that I'm female".

After clearing up my adverb/noun/verb confusions first of course.

And I just think this is so excluding for people who aren't good at English, who have learning difficulties or autism or English as a Second Language - it adds unnecessary stress and confusion.

Not to mention that most people are crap at remembering new people's NAMES, never mind adding pronouns in as well!

@Tanith

I love “Surprise me!”

Others you could try:

“What’s available?”

“I’ve spent the last 40-odd years untroubled by such triviality and I don’t intend to start now!”

Though I do like Tanith's "What's available?" - that would make me smile.

Just say you're fluid about it at present, as you're still exploring your gender identity. Trust me, nobody woke is going to push you to decide.

If they're mad enough to try, ask them who they think should decide this for you except you yourself in your own good time!

Meantime, you could say, you really aren't going to be offended if others refer to you by whatever pronouns seem appropriate to them at the time. 😉

Surprise me is a really good ‘icebreaker’

I like what’s available too as it makes the asker list them

To which you could say I’ll just stick with my name

"I think pronouns are wank"