It is unacceptable for me to feel that I don’t like men?

[OliverBabish]

I got asked by my boss if I “hate men” - he’s not my boss anymore thankfully but my honest response is that I don’t like men very much. I’m not being an arse about it either - I’ve married a man, I’m aware there are ‘good men’ or whatever - that is truly how I feel.

Ignorant of me but I didn’t even know misandry was a thing (or that there was a word for it) until really recently.

Experience (and my job) has shown me time and time again that men are far more of a problem in our day to day society than women. I know I’d probably get into loads of trouble at work if I actually voiced that opinion, but generally speaking, is it that unacceptable for me to feel this way? Am I wrong to think like this? It doesn’t affect how I treat men, it’s just how I feel.

My dh is one of those decent men Shed describes and he despairs of many of the men of his acquaintance. He prefers being friends with women. He is constantly disappointed by his male peers and has come off several WhatsApp groups due to the stuff shared. There are some good men about but sadly there do seem to be fewer of them than there are decent women. We have teen girls so he won’t put up with stuff.

Hate that the prevailing culture is so toxic and dominant - lots of men hate it too.

I just want to pick apart the race comparisons. Men commit domestic violence and sexual assaults across all levels of the socio economic spectrum. Whereas sticking minorities in poorer environments, and then systemically preventing upward social mobility for them will likely produce disparities in the criminal justice system. It’s not hard to rebutt claims that any individual race have particular predispositions to bad behaviour.

However there does appear to be something that when you control for everything else that men are more violent. As a man I’m actually very keen to sort this one out once and for all. If any individual woman wants to dislike me I can kind of see why that might be the case.

It think it's absolutely OK to feel like that. I think it's always and everywhere OK for people in an oppressed class to hate or distrust the class of their oppressors. Women hating men is not the same as men hating women - the power dynamic is different. An exception-based rule seems to work well.

Even most "good" men are blind to the power we have. Being a leftie does not innoculate men against bad behaviour - I've given up being suprised at so-called allies turning out to be abusers, often using their ally status to gain access to women. It's depressing to see the amount of NotAllMen comments on Labour forums, and they seem blind to the analogy with AllLivesMatter.

@Robbo94

To be fair I don't generally like most lesbians from my experiences (and I'm not saying that to wind people up).

I once sublet to one along with a female friend and she was always slamming doors and having shouting matches on the phone with her partner late at night. The only other one I've known quite well was ok and quite funny at times but also aggressive (hit a bloke with a snooker cue one night in the pub after an argument about who had the table next). I then read about how lesbian women experience higher rates of partner violence than straight women and it just sort of reaffirmed by experiences (although I'm not sure if it's true).

I always take people on an individual basis, and I'd never say the above in public, but I'm honestly a bit wary of lesbians in a way that I'm not of most gay men and I'd definitely think twice about sharing a house with one again.

I'd be interested to see the evidence to back this

I then read about how lesbian women experience higher rates of partner violence than straight women and it just sort of reaffirmed by experiences (although I'm not sure if it's true).

up, Robbo. Can you link to the source of this? Because I'm a 60-year-old lesbian who's known hundreds of lesbians over the years, and while no one would pretend that all lesbian relationships are a bed of roses, and that there aren't angry and violent women around, I'd be very surprised if that was accurate.

Well I mean if robbo doesn't like lesbians and wouldn't want to flat share again that's up to him.

As long as he keeps his feelings to himself irl and doesn't discriminate etc if he is in a position of hiring or etc then. Well it's Robbie business.

I think he's making a point but meh tbh

I only know, well knew, one lesbian couple really well. Neither were violent as far as I know but I would say there was what we now call coercive control and I was actually quite relieved when they split up. I thought it could end in violence. The other couple I know seem a very happy partnership, one most people would envy to be honest. I hope it is as idyllic as it seems. I imagine lesbian couples vary just like heterosexual couples.

I am not sure most men actually 'like' women, they have their uses etc!. As a volunteer, the area I work in is 99 percent male, even in a senior role, I feel tolerated at best by most of the men

@MsTSwift

My dh is one of those decent men Shed describes and he despairs of many of the men of his acquaintance. He prefers being friends with women. He is constantly disappointed by his male peers and has come off several WhatsApp groups due to the stuff shared. There are some good men about but sadly there do seem to be fewer of them than there are decent women. We have teen girls so he won’t put up with stuff.

Hate that the prevailing culture is so toxic and dominant - lots of men hate it too.

Watching that programme recently about all the boys who were abused by male football coaches, and grown tough looking men reduced to tears talking about what had happened to them, I agree with you and found it very sad. A prevailing misogynistic culture damages boys as well as girls, and yes, my DH is one of the good guys too.

I find it very interesting that the men abused by their coaches seem to engender more empathy than all the female victims of rape who can't get justice. It makes me sad. Haven't seen any implications those men might be lying/attention seeking/gold diggers

The abuse by coaches when it came out. I mean what brave men. What appalling abuse.

What I thought was that
I have no doubt that it is incredibly hard for men to disclose this type of abuse
The coverage of it was much more sympathetic and believing than when it's girls

So these things need to change.