It is unacceptable for me to feel that I don’t like men?

OliverBabish · 2021-03-25T13:22:23+00:00

I got asked by my boss if I “hate men” - he’s not my boss anymore thankfully but my honest response is that I don’t like men very much. I’m not being an arse about it either - I’ve married a man, I’m aware there are ‘good men’ or whatever - that is truly how I feel. Ignorant of me but I didn’t even know misandry was a thing (or that there was a word for it) until really recently. Experience (and my job) has shown me time and time again that men are far more of a problem in our day to day society than women. I know I’d probably get into loads of trouble at work if I actually voiced that opinion, but generally speaking, is it ^that^ unacceptable for me to feel this way? Am I wrong to think like this? It doesn’t affect how I treat men, it’s just how I feel.

AcornAutumn · 25/03/2021 14:56

Is he a colleague?

How you feel is your business. You don't treat men badly.

I don't think feelings should be labelled unacceptable.

AlohaMolly · 25/03/2021 14:57

I openly say that I distrust and often dislike men as a whole, and follow it up that statistically I am right to be wary of them. Most men don’t seem to like it but... I don’t like them, so...

QuentinWinters · 25/03/2021 15:35

I always say if I'd been bitten by dogs as many times as I'd been assaulted by men, noone would think I was unreasonable tobe scared of dogs and stay out of their way.

Your feelings are your own, its not up to anyone else to judge. They don't have your experiences.

Babyg1995 · 25/03/2021 15:39

I don't hate men but I always end up not liking the ones I've been in relationships / friendships with because of there behaviour I don't trust any man or woman life has definitely taught me that .

Dervel · 25/03/2021 15:40

No not at all unreasonable. From an entirely evidence based empirical position men murder/rape/commit crime at a far greater rate. I’m exasperated we don’t seem to be able to face this.

Beowulfa · 25/03/2021 15:44

It's far worse being a woman who doesn't like children! By "don't like" I mean I didn't have any, I don't work with them, and I politely avoid them where possible (ie don't go to kiddy-friendly restaurants, move to another carriage on the Tube if practical etc). Note I dutifully buy all my friends/relatives' kids presents, and interact with them when I have to socially (amusingly they instinctively like me, as cats go and sit on the lap of the person who isn't keen on them). I'm just not that into them.

Original poster

OliverBabish · 25/03/2021 16:35

Thank you for these responses. I suppose I was asking because I’ve never really challenged my views on men - and my wider family (minus my DH - all the other men have died) are all female so I sort of live in an echo chamber in that regard.

OP posts:

Levirandal · 25/03/2021 16:59

I feel you. I’m married to a man but as I get older I’m getting more and more pissed off by males. I suspect as well because I have two daughters. I’ve had my eyes well and truly opened and it isn’t pleasant. My dh isn’t a bad man but does have some very entitled behaviours. It’s not a welcome opinion about how the male sex tend to be problematic but I do feel more angry and resentful as I get older.

AcornAutumn · 25/03/2021 16:59

@Beowulfa

It's far worse being a woman who doesn't like children! By "don't like" I mean I didn't have any, I don't work with them, and I politely avoid them where possible (ie don't go to kiddy-friendly restaurants, move to another carriage on the Tube if practical etc). Note I dutifully buy all my friends/relatives' kids presents, and interact with them when I have to socially (amusingly they instinctively like me, as cats go and sit on the lap of the person who isn't keen on them). I'm just not that into them.

I say this openly now or I get invited to all sorts of shit. I don't do the g

The men thing, I don't say. I have two male friends from school.

Otherwise, it's hard to be friends with them because...Schrodinger's whatever. There's a number of ways they can turn. I had enough of that so just gave up.

AcornAutumn · 25/03/2021 17:00

*gifts

SmokedDuck · 25/03/2021 17:08

What would you think if a someone, man or women, said the same thing about women? What f that person had had a hard time in their life because of things that related to women?

That's not a gotcha, at all, I mean if someone said that, what would your first reaction be, and if you pondered it, what would you think about that statement and the person's reaction? How do you think that feeling is likely to affect them or their lives or the people around them?

People have the feelings they feel, but we aren't necessarily at their mercy either, if we have feelings that are untrue or helpful, we can sometimes change them.

Huggybear16 · 25/03/2021 17:09

I feel the same. I have been with many men in the past. I even had a child with one. We separated over three years ago and I never want to be with another man again. I am happy being single. I have never been with a truly decent man. That's not to say I don't believe they exist, just that they are incredibly rare.

One day my son will become a man. I hope he turns out to be nothing like the ones I've experienced. I'm 34 and I am sick of people asking me when I'm going to start "dating" or "seeing someone" again. I don't trust men. This is because of the behaviour of every single man I've ever been close to.

FifteenToes · 25/03/2021 17:15

I'm a man. I'm not a white knight or wannabe feminist hanger-on (I frequent this board mainly because, from an intellectual point of view, it's practically the only place on the internet I see anybody talking sense about gender issues). But you know what? I'm pretty sure if I were a woman I wouldn't like us/me very much either.

I don't particularly feel guilty about it because at the end of the day we are what we are. But I often read or hear the reams and reams of disappointment, angst and frustration women express about men and think, "why do they keep bothering?" Those standards that you keep hoping you'll eventually be able to bring us round to - the vast majority of us just aren't up to them.

So no, I don't think it's unacceptable.

IheartJKR · 25/03/2021 17:16

I’ve been very happily married for 25 years and I don’t like many men. It’s no reflection on how much I love my DH.
You see my DH isn’t a murdering , raping, leering misogynist bastard.

HotShowerNTea · 25/03/2021 17:20

Im married to a really good man and I gave a teenage son who I’m really hoping we are raising to be decent. However, I don’t like or trust many men and I am wary of men in general - at work, on the street, socially. Too many bad experiences.

If DH and I broke up or I was widowed, I would be single forevermore I am certain. I work mainly with women and I like it that way. I don’t have any male friends.

I don’t hate men. I just don’t trust them and I don’t enjoy being around them very much.

AdaFuckingShelby · 25/03/2021 17:23

I don't like how men tend to behave when they're together. I have many male colleagues who I can rely on in a work setting but I don't chose male company very often. Saying you dont like men sounds quite sweeping but I get where you're coming from.

Original poster

OliverBabish · 25/03/2021 17:23

@SmokedDuck

What would you think if a someone, man or women, said the same thing about women? What f that person had had a hard time in their life because of things that related to women?

That's not a gotcha, at all, I mean if someone said that, what would your first reaction be, and if you pondered it, what would you think about that statement and the person's reaction? How do you think that feeling is likely to affect them or their lives or the people around them?

People have the feelings they feel, but we aren't necessarily at their mercy either, if we have feelings that are untrue or helpful, we can sometimes change them.

I suppose from my point of view, I have experienced things and seen things that make me feel that, without saying it, generally men don’t like women either. I take your point though.

I don’t think anyone would know from observing me that I feel this way. And I don’t mean it in a hateful, malicious way either. I just realised the other day that this is honestly how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

OliverBabish · 25/03/2021 17:25

@AdaFuckingShelby

I don't like how men tend to behave when they're together. I have many male colleagues who I can rely on in a work setting but I don't chose male company very often. Saying you dont like men sounds quite sweeping but I get where you're coming from.

Yeah, I did think that after I’d posted that it sounds quite sweeping and generalised but I feel like it’s even easier to generalise when men are together - the behaviour is amplified

OP posts:

Sally872 · 25/03/2021 17:27

How would you feel if someone disliked your son or brother because they were a man? It's not ok.
Fine to be more cautious while you get to know men but disliking them purely on gender feels wrong to me.

hellcatspangle · 25/03/2021 17:31

Why do so many people think it's reasonable to group all men together? If you said you didn't like black people it would be unacceptable so whys this any different?

AcornAutumn · 25/03/2021 17:32

@SmokedDuck

What would you think if a someone, man or women, said the same thing about women? What f that person had had a hard time in their life because of things that related to women?

That's not a gotcha, at all, I mean if someone said that, what would your first reaction be, and if you pondered it, what would you think about that statement and the person's reaction? How do you think that feeling is likely to affect them or their lives or the people around them?

People have the feelings they feel, but we aren't necessarily at their mercy either, if we have feelings that are untrue or helpful, we can sometimes change them.

I wouldn't mind at all. People are entitled to feel how they feel.

Nellodee · 25/03/2021 17:36

Equal amounts of my most favourite people are women and men.

Far more of my least favourite people are men.

SmokedDuck · 25/03/2021 17:38

I suppose from my point of view, I have experienced things and seen things that make me feel that, without saying it, generally men don’t like women either. I take your point though.

There are for sure men who actively dislike women, which I would say is a bad thing - not necessity in a culpable way but something ideally one could get over. Also there are men who just don't relate much to women which I'd say is more neutral.

I don't think I'd say that it was generally true that men don't like women.

I don’t think anyone would know from observing me that I feel this way. And I don’t mean it in a hateful, malicious way either. I just realised the other day that this is honestly how I feel.

You didn't give the impression of being malicious, no worries about that. But I'm not sure it's that useful a sentiment, much like a feeling of liking or disliking any other group of people it can cut you off from people you might quite like, and it can be negative if it affects relationships.

Personally, I find men a little easier to get to know than women, and I've worked in male dominated areas, so I've tended to have a lot of male friends. I find them different than women as a group, but worthwhile friends.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/03/2021 17:41

I dislike men very much but I wouldn't dream of telling anyone at work that because it's work and I act prpfessionally, they don't know anything about my social life, politics or religion either. I'd be asking why they are asking such a question.

AcornAutumn · 25/03/2021 17:44

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I dislike men very much but I wouldn't dream of telling anyone at work that because it's work and I act prpfessionally, they don't know anything about my social life, politics or religion either. I'd be asking why they are asking such a question.

Yes OP I really would never discuss this kind of thing at work.