Casual chat about milfs on another forum I use. How to object without getting banned/shouted down/patronised?

[Mintyy]

This is my local internet forum, tiny in comparison to Mumsnet.

A prolific poster, who I have never noticed being particularly objectionable before, has made a joke about milfs (on a completely innocuous thread) and other posters are laughing along with it.

I am not ok with this, I hate it infact, but am afraid to speak up! Ludicrous isn't it?

What would you say?

Difficult to say without the context, really!

Sorry, Mintyy, I appear to have killed your thead

Ask the poster what his own mother looks like.

How about "would you like your own mother/the mother of your children talked about like that?"

That was kind of my point; reference his own family, but in the same context.

How about "would you like your own mother/the mother of your children talked about like that?"

Well, no, but on what basis?

The last thing any son wants to here is that his mother is a MILF, but that does not come from an association of the term with disrespect, its because imagining your mom as being lusted after is troubling in a dark, primal way. Is any daughter going to be happy with one of her girlfriends declaring the dad looks like great bonking material? Nope.

Also, the 'mother of your children' thing is just weird. He either grinds his teeth if its his bad relationship ex or he has mixed feelings if she is still his SO, same if you if committed to a guy and another woman declares their lust for him as well... who on earth gonna be happy bout that? But the first thing you would think is not 'she disrespected my husband'.

How about "would you like your own mother/the mother of your children talked about like that?"

That implies that a mother's worth is dependent on a man being related to her.

Appreciate that, Viv - but I do think it can bring the point home by personalising it. I wish it wasn't necessary and a simple "why are you referring to another human like that?" was enough, but sometimes it isn't.

I can't advise. I was banned from boards.ie for challenging challenging misogyny. But my comments challenging the misogyny violated the posting guidelines apparently and the original comments were just made in fun. So there you go. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

I do think it can bring the point home by personalising it

No and no.

I agree with BIWI, the usage of MILF is very much a matter of context.

Like this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/705782-to-be-secretly-chuffed-that-teenage-boys-shouted-MILF-at/AllOnOnePage

The point is that Mintyy is still entitled to feel as personally offended by the term MILF as much today as she and some others were in that thread of some five years ago.

But the point you want to make, AblandAndDeadlyCourtesy, and the method by which you want to make it are both anti-feminist. Invoking mothers and wives may get you what you want, for the man to shut up or apologise, but it will NOT be done via creating respect through empathy, it will be done because you struck the nerve many men have of 'Protect the chastity of your mother and the honour of your wife (as property).' Very bad idea.

The real 'point' is that his mother and his wife should have enough agency and validity extended to them to be allowed to feel chuffed, if they so choose, and for him (and you) to realise and accept that. Guilting him via association into being a knight on a white steed to protect women who, in context, may feel complimented rather than insulted- that is not a positive to women, its two distinct negatives.

Well, the jokes moved on to alluding to sexual promiscuity in 11 year old girls, so I finally said something about "creepy comments" being horrible, which was immediately followed by someone telling me to "calm the down".

I'll have to de-reg or something. Idiots.

ABland I can only imagine your relief at being told by a man how anti-feminist you've been.

Sorry Mintyy that wasn't very productive for your issue! It's a really difficult one. You obviously hit a nerve with the creepy comments remark! It's amazing how many of these seemingly alright men show the latent misogyny sooner or later.

It's always difficult raising your head above the parapet. It should be enough to say I'm uncomfortable with this conversation can you stop it. But it never will be. You have to be in the mood. Are there any moderators of the site who you could point out how close to the wire the conversation is getting (I mean talking about 11 yr olds in a sexual manner is really dodgy and something I'd imagine quite a lot of people would feel revolted by)?

Actually scallops, I'm too busy eating a Magnum crying into my nettle leaf tea, heated on a stove of burning bras.

Mmmmm Magnum!

Can you believe all the anniversary flavours out at the moment? Yum.

I also wouldn't use the "how would you feel if someone talked about your mother like that"

I would simply say "using objectifying crap like this makes you look like a nincompoop/tool/imbecile/insert apt non-gendered insult of choice" and then de register