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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

not sure what to title this but it's to do with ejaculation

490 replies

YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 10:59

and in particular a man ejaculating on a woman's face. Sorry - I feel awful writing it down.

I was talking to a friend last night, she is much nore sexually adventurous than I am and she was saying that she thought it was part of normal sexual behaviour, that most men found it a turn on and most people she knew thought it was normal.

I argued that it was something that came from porn, was not what I would call normal and there was no equivilant sexual 'thing' for a woman to do to a man. She said that women can 'gush' (I have never done this, maybe I am abnormal) or piss or poo (!) which I pointed out was a totally different thing. But is it?

I was trying to discuss it with her and point out that her sexual encounters are out of the norm, definitely aren't encounters within a loving relationship, and that ejaculating in someones's face is surely more about disrespect than anything else?

or am I wrong. I just find it really horrible and if anyone asked me to let them do so I would show them the door.

Soory - I hope I don't sound like some hairy trucker trying to get off on the whole thing, and I am not asking for personal experiences (I would prefer not to read them thanks) but more to discuss if I am right about the power/porn/disrespect thing...

OP posts:
bigpigeon · 15/02/2012 13:59

I think if she is happy doing that then all power to her. If she is pressurised into it or made to feel abnormal for not participating, then that is a problem. Your feelings on it are irrelevant, sorry to put it so boldly, as it is her body and she says what goes. You are infringing her rights as much as the next man if you tell her she is wierd and wrong. It therefore follows that you are perfectly within your rights to say that you don't want it done to you either.

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 14:06

I am not really judging her yes I am or at least that isn't what this post is about. I wasn't asking 'is it ok that my friend likes it?' I was asking

does it come from porn?
is it a power thing?
is it disrespectful?

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 15/02/2012 14:12

Yes I think the popularity of it comes from porn, and it is probably still a minority interest. Whether or not it's a power thing or disrespectful is within the relationship, and I think it is not possible to say for certain that things she does are 'not part of a loving relationship' - I would find it quite rude if someone said that to me. I don't spend much time wondering whether there are direct equivalents of acts I do between M/F tbh - the difference between m/f in sex is what arouses me.

What I do think is good is that you reacted honestly to her - if she ISN'T really enjoying it, she may realise that it's not as ordinary as she or perhaps her partner thinks, and therefore it would be OK to stop doing it.

sonicrainboom · 15/02/2012 14:15

Well it certainly wasn't considered a normal or ordinary part of sex until it was popularized in porn. It's sad that most people she know think it's normal.

Does she smear her vaginal discharge all over his face to? Probably not, because you don't see that in porn, so it isn't "normal."

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 14:15

no - I know for a fact that the sex she has is not within a loving relationship. Sorry if that sounds awful but I know the situation my friend is in and that she is happily having sex with lots of people who don't love her and she is not in love with. A whole different discussion could be had about that nut it's not one I want to have on here.

We are quite different and I am not shy about sharing my thoughts on her sexual encouters and the way it makes her feel, we are quite open with eachother.

However it is the actual act and the reason why men like it that I was wondering about rather than the reasons why my friend likes it. She thinks it's normal and most people do it, I disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 14:18

BTW, Thining about it I guess she may also do it within a loving relationship? Also thinking about it I might get this deleted as although unlikely it's not fair on her to talk about it while mentioning her experience - I should have asked the question in a more general way.

OP posts:
JerichoStarQuilt · 15/02/2012 14:27

I wonder why it's a turn on? I've asked DH before and he doesn't get it.

I think if I were going out with someone and they said they wanted to do something because they'd seen it in porn, I'd tell them to fuck off. Other than that there's a bit of an issue that jizz in your eyes can't be a very good idea.

I'm not really sure what to make of what you say about happy relationships/unhappy ones - do you think she's protesting too much about how good and normal her sex life is because she knows it's not, do you mean? I think people do that in all sorts of situations. I would expect the problem would be wider than one sex act, though maybe not.

sonicrainboom · 15/02/2012 14:34

I don't get how it can be sexual turn on for the man because he has obviously already orgasmed! It seems more like marking territory or gaining satisfaction from the disrespectful act of puting your body fluids in someone's face.

JerichoStarQuilt · 15/02/2012 14:45

I think there's a really big spectrum of things that turn people on, and some of them are completely beyond my understanding, but that doesn't make them wrong or bad.

I suspect coming on someone's face could be both wrong and bad, btw - I just don't buy the argument that it can't be a turn on because the man is (in the act of) orgasming.

AyeRobot · 15/02/2012 14:50

Does she know she could get chlamydia in her eye?

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 15:01

clearly it must turn men on to watch it otherwise it wouldn't feature in porn so much. Not sure about why it is a turn on to do it from a man's perspective. Because they see the result of their labours, because it's disrespectful, because the women they do it to like it so it turns them on the see someone else liking it?

I just wonder when it became 'normal', if it ever did.

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 15/02/2012 15:04

I don't see how this could happen in a loving relationship as suggested up thread. People who love each other don't perform disrespectful acts towards each other and ejaculating in someone's face is very disrespectful. As sonic said it is like marking territory. It reals shows a woman where her place is Hmm.

In addition, what pleasure or enjoyment is their for the woman?

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 15:08

see, this is what I wonder. Do women let it happen because they truely enjoy it or just because it's what their partner expects/wants/gets off on. Has it crept in as being just another thing we do because we are told it is normal or it is nice for him?

OP posts:
NiftyNanny · 15/02/2012 15:20

Just to be contrary, I have to say... Sometimes if I'm all finished & flushed & lazy it's quite nice to have my bf come on my body - zero effort for me & I get to feel like I'm so hot he can't help himself. We talk very openly & he's very respectful, caring & careful with me (I have a bit of an unpleasant history & some things can trigger me so he's very kid gloves at times).

I personally don't want that stuff near my face but I could picture it happening in a loving relationship. Whatever floats your boat, if you've talked about it & are both enjoying it!

I think the problem comes when people have seen ANY act in porn & assume it's fair game. You know what? NOTHING is fair game until you have an enthusiastic "yes" from me. It takes a real shift in attitude to start asking yourself "what do I actually want here?" if you're faced with something repeatedly & begin to feel like maybe it's normal, maybe I should just go along with it....

I guess really, normal or common or EXPECTED OF YOU (shudder) really shouldn't come into it as far as sex is concerned. It's what YOU want that counts, not what everyone else is or isnt doing.

WidowWadman · 15/02/2012 15:33

"Well it certainly wasn't considered a normal or ordinary part of sex until it was popularized in porn. It's sad that most people she know think it's normal."

While this kink personally is not really doing much for me, I wonder how much it is true whether it's just popular because of porn, or whether it features in porn because there's a market for it in people who do like it. I'm not arguing at all, that porn also promotes those ideas and normalises then, but as long as it is between consenting adults I don't think it's sad.

Sex in all of its flavours used to be a total taboo topic - the advent of porn, and I guess especially the increased accessibility has broken this taboo down, and people started feeling more open talking about what turns them on. Surely that's a positive thing. What if she really enjoys it. Would you find it less sad if she felt ashamed or sick or perverse for enjoying a sexual practise rather than finding it normal and ok?

Personally, I find it a good thing that it's much more easy to talk about sex and what one likes or doesn't like nowadays.

It's sad when people feel pressurised into doing things they don't enjoy because they think it's normal or expected. But that's a different kettle of fish altogether.

(Oh, and totally agree with what Niftynanny says)

JerichoStarQuilt · 15/02/2012 15:35

There's all sorts of things in porn that I refuse to believe are turn-ons for most men. 'Barely legal' for a start. I think porn is warping what men think is sexy, not reflecting it.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 15/02/2012 15:40

Ejaculating in your face is very different from on your body.

I agree Jericho. Gail Dines covers this quite well in Pornland.

adamschic · 15/02/2012 15:43

I would have thought it was just the visual of say giving a blow job then showing him coming for the sake of porn.

JerichoStarQuilt · 15/02/2012 15:46

Yes, I should have said, I was thinking of Gail Dines.

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 15:47

So men who like porn like to see the ejaculation happening? But why does where it lands matter?

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 15/02/2012 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JerichoStarQuilt · 15/02/2012 16:32

I'd never rule out that some people like to see ejaculation happening, whether or not they watch porn.

But what gets me about ejaculating on a woman's face is that it's something that (I am pretty sure) wasn't a big thing before it got portrayed in porn (where you need some kind of visible ejaculation to signal to the viewer that it's the end of the show). I imagine you could perhaps come on someone's face in a sensitive and loving way, but I've never heard of it or seen it and I have heard of and seen quite a lot of pretty nasty versions of it. So I get suspicious.

If you'll forgive a trivial comparison, it's like I can believe some men and women just naturally adore bright pink lace knickers, because pink is their favourite colour. I don't believe so many people love bright pink knickers that they'd choose to buy them every valentine's day if they weren't heavily marketed as sexy/romantic. Same thing with this, except the marketing is in the porn industry.

Original poster
YuleingFanjo · 15/02/2012 16:40

thanks for all the replies.
I do wonder if the people who say it's normal have somehow been conditioned to think so, just like with many things women believe they should be doing.

the whole thing makes me feel sad :(

OP posts:
TeiTetua · 15/02/2012 17:36

If it's part of people's relationship, then it's their business, and one might roll one's eyes at the thought, but as long as they don't frighten the horses, etc.

However, it was mentioned as part of sex between people who don't know each other (or is it a sado-masochistic group?) and then yes, it seems to me really porn-based, and if lots of men want it and lots of women tolerate it, it's more proof that the world is in a sad state.

And in the way of odd activities for Valentine's Day:
latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/valentines-day-role-play-portland.html

Beachcomber · 15/02/2012 18:18

It is from porn.

It is called 'the money shot'.

(Google with caution)

It is about male porn viewers getting see that the man not only comes, but that his orgasm is degrading and humiliating for the woman (she isn't worthy of his precious seed and he marks her like a dog against a lamppost).

It also separates porn sex from associations with pregnancy (in the viewers mind) and degrades the woman further by showing that no barrier protection has been used to safeguard her health.

I would run a mile from any bloke that wanted to do it personally but then I am from a generation that hasn't been exposed to porn in the way subsequent generations have.

It is a damned shame for both men and women if they are being told that this is 'hot'. No doubt ass to mouth will be considered 'hot' in a few years time too.