Not inviting my prankster brother to ease my fiancée’s wedding anxiety

[OneSereneBiscuit]

I am marrying the love of my life "Amanda" in a few months . We have a beautiful two year old son and a great life together. unfortunately she suffers from an anxiety disorder. She does see a therapist, but it is still something she has to manage on a daily basis, and wedding planning has been very hard for her emotionally.
I have an older brother "Jason" who is pretty famous for playing pranks that most people would consider over the line. For a few examples...

• tying a friend up and giving him a horrible spray tan
• setting his best friend up on a fake date and smashing pie all over her face as she waited thinking she got stood up
• filling a kids pool up with ice water inside the house and rolling his wife off the couch while she was sleeping

I'm just giving some context that his pranks are always over the top and would be a dealbreaker for most people. However he only does them to people he likes. We aren't very close and he has hardly interacted with Amanda at all. I really don't think he would pull a prank at the wedding, but she told me it is something she is extremely anxious about. Here is the thing, she has to manage her anxiety every day of her life and I want her wedding day to be perfect and as stress free as I can make it, so I decided not to invite Jason. This has really upset my parents. I've never seen them so furious. They are calling me a bad son, bad brother, saying I'm not a man. They feel we are "tearing apart the family" As for Jason I don't know if he even cares. He hasn't said anything one way or the other, but apparently his wife was telling people I'm just jealous of his money and his looks and don't want to be "shown up" She then made a nasty comment about Amanda's looks which solidified for me I made the right decision

This just proves what a great husband you will be, putting your soon to be wife first.

I would just remind your parents of the pranks he pulls and you don’t wish your wedding to be a joke.

Weird, surely standing up to your brother’s immature/attention-seeking behaviour rather than being a pushover at the expense of your wife is way more “manly”?

Could you not speak to both your parents and your brother, and make it clear that any type of “prank” behaviour on your wedding day would result not only in his being immediately ejected from your wedding, but also you going NC with him? A wedding is supposed to be two families coming together, and your brother’s appallingly ill-judged pranks all seem to take a fair bit of planning and equipment. If your parents are made aware, and they are the ones who want your DB to come, would they not ensure your brother behaved on the day?

Have you explained to your parents why he’s not invited? If it’s a tiny wedding, I'm sure it’s fine to keep invites limited and not invite him.

Have you told your brother why he’s not invited

yes, he just shrugged and said it was kind of weird when he had never once pranked us and hardly knows Amanda, but he didn't seem bothered by it

yes, but they are big on "but family" They say we are being ridiculous when he has never pranked us and he is quiet and reserved around the family

Aw :(. He’s your brother though! Just tell him that under no circumstances is he to play any pranks as your fiancée has serious anxiety so it would not be funny. Surely you could just speak to him ?

He’s your brother though! Just tell him that under no circumstances is he to play any pranks as your fiancée has serious anxiety so it would not be funny. Surely you could just speak to him ?

If you were Amanda, would 'just speaking to him' reassure you that he will behave, or would you be anxious all through the run up and on the day itself? I mean, he smashed a pie in a woman's face!

This bloke sounds like a prat. He FA and now he can FO.

He sounds like a dangerous idiot and I wouldn't have him at my wedding.

I have and I really don't believe he would play a prank. He only does it with people he is close to but that doesn't help her anxiety. Anxiety isn't always logical

I think it’s right that you are supporting your partner. It will be greatly appreciated by her. And it starts your marriage how you mean to go on. Supporting each other and having one another’s backs. Whoever called you unmanly for being respectful of your future wife’s needs has an unusual view of what being a man entails. I hope you both have a lovely stress-free day :-)

Good for you for standing up on this. He's an immature prat and why should your soon to be wife be on pins worrying about his behaviour on her wedding day? As for your SIL she sounds toxic

I don't even have an anxiety disorder, and I'd be anxious if someone who actively enjoys behaving like a dickhead was coming to my wedding.

He literally could have killed his wife

Are you able to change your Wedding? If your DPs are they furious and are accusing you of ripping the family apart, I’d be tempted to get married and tell them all after the event.

Your parents sound horrible. Why are they saying you’re not a man. What an odd, outdated thing to say in this (or any) circumstance.
I think you probably could have done things a bit differently, like talk to your brother properly about your worries and invite to the evening bit or something. But it’s done now and I hope your future wife knows how much you care about her and you both have a wonderful wedding day.

Sometimes the family we build is a much better reflection of us, and support to us, than the one we happened to be born into.

I think you've gone about it the wrong way by just 'not inviting' him.
You should have met with him and his wife prior to the invitations being sent and talked to him about his behaviour and the fact that you were seriously considering not inviting them because of the potential of him doing something stupid was making you both worried.

Then you could have seen his, and his wife's responses and made a more measured decision from there.

It sounds like he has done some seriously stupid things, but as you admit, only to people really close to him, and also, only where he can set up the situation, so he'd not be someone I'd choose to have as a friend, but he is still your brother. You will know better than us if his word would be enough.

best both spend some time with your brother just to see if comfortable and then decide in a month or so about wedding invites.

theres been a lot of hearsay about his wife saying things, which might be because she feels hurt and nothing more.

I had a “no children” wedding for a very similar reason. One child. His parents pressurised, said they didn’t have childcare .. if kid didn’t come mother couldn’t.

Sorry im just chuckling at these pranks 😂.
Silly not to invite your brother, make it clear in no uncertain terms hes not to pull a prank.
If your fiance wasnt anxious about that she would be anxious about something else and I speak from personal experience.

He would be banned from every arrangement in my family. Simple as that.

I would catch up with him over a pint at the pub Friday night but wouldn't let him near any family member before he grew up.

Yeah, I agree with this. I'd be imagining being pushed head first into my wedding cake, and I dont have Amanda's anxiety disorder.
OP, the SIL sounds like a complete bitch as well. Enjoy your idiot and bitch free wedding!

You absolutely have your priorities right. I am sure from what you've said he would behave, but a wedding day is a day when anxiety can be triggered at the best of times, so Amanda would be unable to relax and enjoy the day and that's not right. Its literally noone else's business. You are showing exactly what kind of husband you will be - major green flags. Amanda is a lucky woman. Many congratulations to you!

I also have an anxiety disorder and, honestly, either scenario would worry me, as I also wouldn't want to start married life having a fallout with my in-laws