I don't want to make a scene...

[Fabulous1000]

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

Run, DIL to be - run!!

Yes, i was thinking the same. Rehearsal dinner.

Her Mother is invited to her hen do because well, she’s her Mother
it doesn’t make you less important, you just have a different role that’s all.
What is “ say yes to the dress”?
I understand weddings are a celebration but they’re OTT now, in my humble opinion.
it’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding.

Chill. Sounds like you were invited to everyone else. She just wants to relax and have fun on the abroad hen do and as a daughter in law she likely feels lots of pressure to make sure you’re OK and enjoying yourself when you’re around.

Dont get all her up about one event that’s nothing to do with you really. You’re her MIL not her best mate.

Different perspective might be required here, you said there are two hens, home and away essentially? I had a friend do exactly the same. Her mum went to both. She wasn't invited to both but thought she should be and muscled her way into the away one too. Bride was mortified but couldn't say no to mum so mum came. She didn't want her mum there to witness her drinking, clubbing, strippers etc. This might not be the case with your bride, but was with ours so something to consider.

You went dress shopping and going to the other hen do? I really don’t see the problem, it’s her mum!

I get on well with my MIL but she didn’t come dress shopping or to the hen do with all my mates (my mum did).

The thing is, you ARE upset. Your feelings are your feelings and are not dictated by pure logic. Don't bury it and let it fester, but don't feed it either. But focus on the wonderful family times you've all had together and look forward to all the ones to come. This really is a dop in the ocean in comparison. In fact, be thankful you're not one of the many who detests their DIL or vice versa!

And in other news: the OP sounds like a reasonable woman (hence getting on with DIL). She read the first few responses and came back several pages ago saying she looks at this differently now due to the feedback! If only there were more like her, not just on Mumsnet either….

People can post however they like. Others will respond however they like.

If they're too bloody rude lazy to make a basic amount of effort and as a result piss irrelevant comments all over the thread, they're not immune from people saying "wow, you're lazy and irrelevant."

Who decides what's irrelevant?

I've enjoyed reading posts after OP came back. Doesn't take away from OP having got what she wanted from the thread.

Page is full at a certain number of posts and no one is obligated to keep reading.

If irrelevant, unwatch or hide the thread.

Have just been reading a full thread from 2013, no return of OP on that one but very interesting read nonetheless.

thank goodness I’m not the only one. Why are we taking so many ideas from American weddings, the many bridesmaids and groomsmen instead of just 1 or 2. It’s all getting ridiculous.

Its HER Mum
FFS.

Maybe she doesn't want you witnessing "what happens on the hen do stays on the hen do". Could be some raucous behaviour that she wouldn't want you possibly reporting back to your son.

I think it’s a bit weird her mum is going tbh. 😳

It’s her mum!!!

Couldn't it just be as simple as her mums there for when she gets back sick at the end of the night to play nurse 🙈 or she has siblings going? Or her mum knows her friends as grew up with them, weathas you would be a stranger to them and perhaps consequently change the mood? Or maybe she knows she will be drunk and doesn't want you to see her like that or feel self concious? There are so many more practical reasons. I think your quite lucky to be honest to be going to anything, my MIL didn't 😂

I don’t think you’re over reacting, if I was the bride I’d probably have my abroad hen with my friends and home hen with friends and family. I wouldn’t invite my mum abroad and not my MIL. She might not feel comfy getting drunk around you or something like that maybe? But sadly I think it’s one of those things you have to just suck up being the grooms mum, people seem to think the mother of the groom walk round with a stinky green fog cloud around them and should be hidden away indefinitely.

Don't take it personally.
Chin up and happy vibes from you to her.

How is this thread still going 4 days after the op replied to say she was going to stop worrying about it. 6 pages later and people are still advising her to get over something she already got over!!

Are you new on Mumsnet?

Far from it but I feel like the steadfast refusal to use See All is definitely getting worse over time. And it's annoying the crap out of me.

I'll be honest, I would be hurt too. The only thing I can think is that she might feel she has to be more restrained in her celebrations with you there - or that you won't know that many of the other invitees.

There's no point people telling you, in effect, not to be silly, not to feel hurt, etc. That is how you feel, but I hope you can put it to one side and remember that, in all other ways, you have a very harmonious relationship with your daughter in law and mother.

As to some of the replies here, in my opinion they are very unkind.