I don't want to make a scene...

[Fabulous1000]

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

Yes bc otherwise someone feels hurt.
But I guess maybe her own mum wants to feel special so the bride is having two hen do's to accommodate/appease ? everyone.

Hi bride, your away hen sounds lovely and I'd love to join you if there's a space, but I understand if you've already chosen your company for that part of your pre-wedding celebrations and I'm really looking forward to Hendo part2.
Have a lovely tine and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know

Best wishes
MiL 2b.

I would really stop overthinking it.

It’s her Mum and pretty much nothing more needs to be said. I go on shopping days with my Mum, go for special meals and I don’t invite my MIL (who we see lots anyway as a family) because its my special time with my Mum. Im free to do whatever I want with my own Mum (we always make sure our kids see both sets of grandparents as equally as possible).

In the nicest possible way, you need to learn now that you are not her Mum and she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her Mum. Enjoy the other Hen Do and celebrate having a DIL you get on well with and have a good relationship with.

Please can someone explain these to me:

1. Why the need for two hen dos?
2. What is a "say yes to the dress" and am I right in guessing it is another sort of pre-wedding female only gathering that involves some sort of voting/selection process for the bride's dress?
3. How much does all this cost in addition to the actual wedding day and honeymoon?

My SIL had one abroad - her sister and niece were invited, I wasn't. No sweat.

My mum and I went to the 'home' one. DM was one of the quiz questions so she was delighted. DB collected DM, her DM and her DDs early evening. I stayed a bit longer, met some of her friends, everyone happy.

Ahh so WELL old enough to know better than chip in with provocative, reductive comments that aren't helpful, yet still spectacularly missing the point?
*rolls eyes

I went to a hen night where it started out at the hen’s house and then progressed to a pub crawl in town. Her mother and future mother in law were both at the house and were involved (the hen’s mother was involved- the future mother in law just sat there all night).

When we all left to go out the mother of the hen stayed back at the house to clean up. The future mother in law decided to go out to the pub with us. It was weird. She didn’t speak to anyone and just sat there next to the hen all night. The hen was miserable.

Future mother in laws do not belong on a hens night.

You need to settle down.

Same, Mum of two boys and fully expecting not to be the one they call on first when they need help in the future (newborn baby, childcare etc). I know that daughters are usually always going to go to their Mum first and fully accepting of it.

Also, i’ll be enjoying lots of holidays through my retirement so happy to be the Nana who does the occasional fun babysitting 🤣

I loathe hen dos. I'd be overjoyed not to be invited.

You keep saying "reductive", which for you I assume means "Comment that I do not agree with"?

Reductive does not mean what you think it means.

OP, it's great if this thread has helped you to get ready for the future with your DIL. Remember, your son can involve you just as much as he wants.

No, 'reductive' doesn't mean that, but I'll let you work it out, rather than explain, dear 😊

You've been invited to one of her hen nights--that's more than most MILs!

She has every right to invite her own mother to the one abroad (that's her mother after all) without it being about excluding you. Heck, she has the right to invite her mother anywhere she damn well pleases without you taking it as some personal slight.

The DIL has been very generous thus far in making sure you've been included, which may be the reason for the two hens to begin with...

I guessing it’s horses for courses
what your individual priorities are If it’was me I’d rather invest the money in the new home (having something to show for it)

Its pretty simple. You don't want to make a scene? Then don't make a scene.

You've been invited to more than most mothers of the groom OP.

I'm glad the replies have made you appreciate that.

Enjoy the hen you're invited to and the dress selection.

Going foward, don't compare yourself to the MOTB, she's her mother which you'll never be, no matter how close you are. Same as her mother will never replace you to your son.

I get where you're coming from. When I read your post, I thought the brides hen do abroad will likely be a bit more "party style" with drinking and straws shaped like willies etc. Something I would never invite my mother to!

But I assumed that was her reasons - i.e. her friends all being out together would be a different vibe to one with her own mother, future MIL, slightly older people. But now her Mother is going I appreciate that is hurtful.

I'm not sure I'd raise it with her though.

I feel your pain. I did the same with another thread a couple of week’s ago to no avail. 😁

I didn’t go to my DIL hen do, her mum did though. It never occurred to me that I’d be asked to go. It seemed fine that only her mum went, apart from her friend obviously.

Same. I find it odd the way so many people on Mumsnet exclude the in laws.
I feel for you OP. I think the best way to manage it is to think that she has included you in many events and that this one she maybe just wanted a sort of last girly holiday with her close friends and family. It isn't a direct reflection on you, although I certainly understand your hurt.

Hen do's are boring and embarrassing for the most part, unless some kind of go-away to a spa hotel and be treated to lovey things, including a pool, is happening.

Rude and unnecessary.

Has it occurred to you that she might not be on her best behaviour on her hen do, and - however lovely a relationship you have - she might not want you to see her drunk, emotional, joking about past boyfriends, waving around an inflatable penis etc…
I adore my mother in law but i am not the same level of relaxed around her as I am with my own mother who has seen and heard it all from me before. Even 10 years into marriage, there is still an element of showing my lovely MIL my best side so that she thinks im good enough for her perfect son….

I didn't even think of inviting my own mum or my MIL to be to my hen do. It was just for my girlfriends. If I did invite my mum, I wouldn't have thought of inviting my fiancé's mother too! That would have felt weird. You're overthinking it.

I don't think it's a sleight. She's invited her close friends and her mum may well know some of them. You've been invited to the other one. It's fine.

I'm.sorry but I can't see why you are so upset about it. You have got your knickers in a twist over nothing.

Well done for calming yourself OP.