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Original poster

I don't want to make a scene...

222 replies

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 16:59

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

OP posts:
samarrange · 15/05/2025 21:57

minnienono · 14/05/2025 18:15

Even inviting her own mum seems weird to me but definitely not the grooms mum. And what’s a pre wedding dinner? Seems like the dil to be has swallowed the wedding craziness pill… let it go

On a flight that I took recently there was a hen do with everyone wearing sashes. Several of them had slogans that were, shall we say, post-watershed. I forget what the bride's Mum had, but one of the (presumably) bridesmaids had "Chief Slut". I would not have been surprised to learn that there were one or two inflatable penises in their luggage.

RecklessGoddess · 15/05/2025 22:15

There's nothing to "deal" with, it's HER mother and HER friends. You're going to the one that's for extended friends and family, I really don't see what the problem is. If you weren't invited to either, I'd understand your problem, but you are. It seems to me that you have a sense of entitlement going on, just because you have a good relationship with her and her family!

MummaMummaMumma · 15/05/2025 22:15

Her best friends and her own mum are extremely different to her mother in law, how ever much you get along. Don't take it personally, it's not about you. You're seriously over reacting.

EndlessTreadmill · 15/05/2025 22:20

Cynic17 · 14/05/2025 17:10

I have read so many hen do threads and they are all insane.
It. Does. Not. Matter.
Any of it.
Presumably, OP, you are going to the wedding? Just be grateful that you have escaped the misery of an abroad "hen do"!

Not to mention the endless nonsense of a "say yes to the dress" (what is that?), two hen dos, and a rehearsal dinner, with speeches! What happened to just having a ceremony followed by a meal, ie an actual wedding? I feel like some people live on a different planet to me!

Edited

This. For goodness sakes!
I like my mother in law, and have gone on holiday with her. But I really wouldn't have wanted her at my hen do!

Why do people get so worked up about little things. I'm telling you now, the biggest test of your relationship will be when the grandchildren come. This is really NOTHING. I can barely remember who went on my hen do, it's really not a big deal.

JudgeJ · 15/05/2025 22:24

Fitzcarraldo353 · 14/05/2025 17:07

You can't see the difference between inviting her own mum and her fiance's mum?

Her mum is one of her close hens, and you're going to the other one.

I honestly am very surprised you're upset by this!

The OP is being not too subtly being put in her place in time for her 'side' being his only family, his own family will be at the back of the queue. Personally I think you've dodged a tacky bullet, I wouldn't go to the one for the masses either and I certainly wouldn't be making a speech at the pre-wedding dinner, when did those become essential!

JudgeJ · 15/05/2025 22:28

Cynic17 · 14/05/2025 17:10

I have read so many hen do threads and they are all insane.
It. Does. Not. Matter.
Any of it.
Presumably, OP, you are going to the wedding? Just be grateful that you have escaped the misery of an abroad "hen do"!

Not to mention the endless nonsense of a "say yes to the dress" (what is that?), two hen dos, and a rehearsal dinner, with speeches! What happened to just having a ceremony followed by a meal, ie an actual wedding? I feel like some people live on a different planet to me!

Edited

I think the bridezilla is going for the gold medal in wedding one-up-manship! Any advance on 2 hen do's, maybe a family skydive!

JudgeJ · 15/05/2025 22:30

CorkBottlePink · 14/05/2025 20:01

Your sense of entitlement is astonishing. I really hate to think what a nightmare in-law you'll be in the future.

Get a grip now, OP, before you attitude causes real problems.

ie, Know Your Place!

ByPeppyAmberBee · 15/05/2025 22:31

WearyAuldWumman · 14/05/2025 17:07

I feel that you're overthinking it, OP. The restricted hen-do is for the bride's side only.

It's not a law, is it.

Op - I can appreciate you are hurt by this but this doesn't lessen how she feels about you. Personally I'm don't know why her mum is going because I think it's more for the age of the bride but that's her choice. I think she may want to let down her hair. You will have another hen party which is amazing.

Ellephanting · 15/05/2025 22:34

JassyRadlett · 15/05/2025 20:11

I know, so tedious.

Almost as dull as self-involved lazy posters who can't be bothered to click "see all" on a OP's posts.

Show quote history

Oooh the forum police are on here in force today.

somethingbeginningwithb · 15/05/2025 22:54

My MIL is incredible, but it didn't even cross my mind to invite her to either of my hen do's.

ManchesterLu · 15/05/2025 23:14

I get on with my MIL but wouldn't have invited her to my hen! It's great that she's doing on that you are invited on!

mrlistersgelfbride · 15/05/2025 23:25

Take it from someone who has socialised a LOT with their MIL...you can't relax and let your hair down in the same way with your friends and own family, as with your MIL to be. It's just a fact.

You'd be daft to be upset about this.
It sounds like the bride wants her side of the family to go on the hen do abroad, and those on the other side/ everyone else gets to the home one. Understandable surely.
No need for this drama. Also, you'll save money!

AfraidToRun · 15/05/2025 23:31

Do you have a daughter of your own?

WearyAuldWumman · 15/05/2025 23:39

ByPeppyAmberBee · 15/05/2025 22:31

It's not a law, is it.

Op - I can appreciate you are hurt by this but this doesn't lessen how she feels about you. Personally I'm don't know why her mum is going because I think it's more for the age of the bride but that's her choice. I think she may want to let down her hair. You will have another hen party which is amazing.

Show quote history

No, it's not a law. It's the norm, however. There are some brides who might feel comfortable having a night out (or weekend away) with their MIL. It depends on what's been organised.

In my part of Scotland, it's quite usual for older women to be invited to the showing of presents and for the younger women only to be involved in the hen party. Sometimes the bride's mother joins in both, depending on how willing she is to let her hair down.

MarxistMags · 15/05/2025 23:49

Exactly. Your over thinking it. After all her Mother has known her a lot longer than you !

MumWifeOther · 15/05/2025 23:56

SpunkySquid · 14/05/2025 17:16

It’s sad so many think this is ok. When I got married we made sure everything was equal, both sides were invited to everything, no one was left out.

this is not what getting married is about…. You’re allowed to do what makes you the (the ones getting married) happy!!

CalleOcho · 16/05/2025 00:03

JassyRadlett · 15/05/2025 20:11

I know, so tedious.

Almost as dull as self-involved lazy posters who can't be bothered to click "see all" on a OP's posts.

Show quote history

Double yawn 🙄

DoubleMM · 16/05/2025 00:06

The OP made it clear the DIL has been part of family life for 11 years! It is hurtful and will cause bad feeling. I was not invited to my son’s wife’s hen do. We were not close then but if it happened after 11yrs if family life, holidays, childcare it wld. Although I can’t understand weddings and hen and stag do’s after 12 years and children

Hwi · 16/05/2025 00:07

Hen do is not a piss-up (well...), it is a ceremony of saying goodbye to the female friends (traditionally). She is also traditionally saying goodbye to the old life, including her mum in anticipation of being welcomed to your family. Traditionally it is absolutely fine, does not break any etiquette rules at all. You should not be upset at all, you are not part of that picture in which she parts with the old life. I am sure no insult was intended at all. Also, surely you must realise a mum is a mum? Even if she loves you to bits, you are not her mum.

tillymintt · 16/05/2025 00:21

It's her mother? You aren't her mother. Cannot fathom why this bothers you tbh.

GravyBoatWars · 16/05/2025 00:26

DoubleMM · 16/05/2025 00:06

The OP made it clear the DIL has been part of family life for 11 years! It is hurtful and will cause bad feeling. I was not invited to my son’s wife’s hen do. We were not close then but if it happened after 11yrs if family life, holidays, childcare it wld. Although I can’t understand weddings and hen and stag do’s after 12 years and children

Edited

There are plenty of people I've been family members with my entire life who I wouldn't consider inviting to a hen do trip with my closest friends (if I had one) not because of any conflict but because that just doesn't fit with the specific relationship between us. Relationships are far more complex than that.

Renabrook · 16/05/2025 00:47

No chance would i except to be invited, seriously

Inertia · 16/05/2025 00:50

You’ve already been invited to two bridal events which are not always attended by the groom’s mother. The bride has already gone out of her way to include you.

The bride will naturally be closer to her mum. However, do bear in mind that bride might have originally wanted friends her own age on the hen do abroad, and her own mum might have invited herself .

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2025 00:58

Inertia · 16/05/2025 00:50

You’ve already been invited to two bridal events which are not always attended by the groom’s mother. The bride has already gone out of her way to include you.

The bride will naturally be closer to her mum. However, do bear in mind that bride might have originally wanted friends her own age on the hen do abroad, and her own mum might have invited herself .

I suspect this, or tagging along for a mini break as "You won't even know I'm there".....

Some MOTB can be more bridewell than the bride.

Mumoftwoandcats · 16/05/2025 01:04

I absolutely would not expect to be invited to the hen donof my son's fiancee. It's about her people before she gets with her intended. Accept the other gathering with grace, and be thankful she's doing that to include you. Wish all of you all the best.