I don't want to make a scene...

[Fabulous1000]

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

Sounds like you need some MIL training if this has set you off:
• when the babies come DIL will want her mum there more than you
• DIL will probs visit her parents with baby more than you
• baby may see MIL more than you for childcare if they live close
• children tend to be closer to their parents than to anyone else

Step back and think about this, it’s your son’s wife to be, she’s not your daughter and her parents are more special to her than you - that’s normal

I’m sorry, op, this is all so pathetic. Time for adults to grow up.

It's such a shame when the op graciously accepts all the advice and people continue to come on and give them a kicking.

Well done OP for taking the comments on the chin and realising you’ve been a bit batshit about this. It’s an emotional time and easy to get carried away so good on you for admitting this.

I hope you enjoy all the wedding fun.

I'd be glad i wasn't invited. This never ending parade of the bride to be is ridiculous. Just enjoy the normal hen do and your son getting married.

Kindly, you really need to stop being daft. You are her MIL, I'm not sure anyone wants their MIL on a hen do but you have been invited to the family one. Enjoy the wedding and stop looking to be "hurt".

It. Does. Not. Matter.
And if you make this an issue you will drive a wedge between you and your son.
Let it go, enjoy the festivities, and your new family member.

She did stop being daft and let it go on page 3. People really need to take a second to use the See All feature on the op

This

Welll...definitely don't make a scene!

Time for adults to learn how to read...

dont you realise this is Mumsnet? Away with your reasonableness and ability to take on board another view point! We’ll have none of that here!

enjoy the wedding!

Well done OP. And I think it's really useful to
take as your yardstick that your DIL's relationship with her mother is always going to different to yours, and that's ok. They're different categories of relationship, and there will be times - such as just after giving birth - where you DIL is more likely to turn to her mum for support rather than you.

It's much, much preferable to the alternative - my (very lovely) sister in law has a very toxic mother. As a result she's very close to my mum (who is extremely good with boundaries and respecting SIL as her equal), but the pain of the way her own mother treats her and the lack of support she's had at key moments throughout her life have had a huge and negative impact on her.

YABU you think you’re as close to her as her own mum? You’re nuts

Please make a huge fuss and refuse to go to the wedding because you were not invited to the abroad hen do. Then post here about the drama that ensued. I'm definitely here for it 😂

I get why you’re upset. You love her very much it’s clear. It’s such an awful feeling when you feel left out. I would look at it not as you being left out but like she’s going with her friends and added her mum onto that as an extra. If she has a sister that would make even more sense as to why she’s just invited her mum & not you.

But will you actually read it if she posts an update?

I’d be relieved I wasn’t going and wishing I wasn’t going to the other one, but I’m not very sociable lol.

You may be close to her but you’re not her mum. I’m sure they didn’t even consider that you might be hurt - why would they? They haven’t done this to exclude you or to be spiteful. I’d wish them a lovely time and ask to see some pics! It’s not your day and you need to respect their choices. Weddings are really tricky and you can never please everyone. They’d probably be mortified if they realised how you felt. Move on and enjoy your hen do and the wedding.

I think you can relax and let this go - you're not her mum, it's all good. She doesn't dislike you. It's just a different relationship.

I bloody hate hen parties 😅

Aww bless you, sometimes we all just need a bit of perspective from other people. Enjoy the wedding.

It's not about you - it's about her being worried that you would perceive her differently when she let's her hair down.

It will likely have nothing to do with how she feels about you and everything to do with how she'll be worried about what you think of her when she's getting a litre of vodka poured down her neck, or when the strippers turn up!

And if you're reply is, 'she's not like that' - then that's exactly why you're not invited.

She just cares that you see her in a good light.

Alternatively, perhaps her Mum wants it to be just them. If the hens are old school friends, chances are her Mum has watched them girls grow up and she just wants one last piece of time where she doesnt have to share her daughter.

I can tell you know that my Mum would have absolutely been broken if I'd invited my MIL to come dress shopping.

Equally on my hen do my MIL and my Mum came for the dinner but had my Aunty dragged them out so I could just get pissed with my mates. It just wouldn't have been the same with them both there all night.

I can pretty much promise it's not personal about you.

Yet again I feel compelled to point out that the op relaxing and letting go happened a couple of pages back. I don't know why I'm compelled to do this. I'm clearly shouting into the void.

Am I reading this correctly? Why do people get so wound up and upset over the silliest things? You must have too much time on your hands to worry about something as silly as this.If you weren’t invited to either of the hen do’s I would then understand why you would be emotional but you are invited to one.

i think you need to grow up and stop falling to pieces over something so ridiculous!