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Original poster

I don't want to make a scene...

222 replies

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 16:59

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

OP posts:
TooFancyNancy · 14/05/2025 19:56

She obviously likes you but wants to be able to fully relax on her hen (and probably get very drunk and drink from Willy straws etc and all the cringey horrible hen stuff) without feeling embarrassed about you being there and being on her best behaviour.
No matter how close you are, everyone has different sides they show to different people and Shes obviously trying her best to include you in lots of different other ways.

GoldenAnnie · 14/05/2025 19:59

I think you are overreacting, but also could be that you and her don’t have same vibes and you have to accept this 🙄

LeavesTrees · 14/05/2025 20:01

Her mum knows her full history and probably knows her friends very well too. I think it could get awkward with future MIL there because you don’t know what subjects from her past will be spoke about and she might want to speak freely about your son without his mother sat there.
I can understand why you feel hurt, but I don’t think it has been done with any malice.

Lucelady · 14/05/2025 20:01

A bride trying to remain sober in front of her mother in law is probably the reason your not invited. I was stone cold sober at mine and neither my mum or mil were invited.
On the actual wedding day you dil will want to remain serine. Give her a break.
You're not her mum or her mate. I've got this to come in a few years and I'll be declining any hen. Spend your headspace on your outfit.

CorkBottlePink · 14/05/2025 20:01

Your sense of entitlement is astonishing. I really hate to think what a nightmare in-law you'll be in the future.

Get a grip now, OP, before you attitude causes real problems.

Proudofitbabe · 14/05/2025 20:04

TooFancyNancy · 14/05/2025 19:56

She obviously likes you but wants to be able to fully relax on her hen (and probably get very drunk and drink from Willy straws etc and all the cringey horrible hen stuff) without feeling embarrassed about you being there and being on her best behaviour.
No matter how close you are, everyone has different sides they show to different people and Shes obviously trying her best to include you in lots of different other ways.

Absolutely this is it. Her mum is her mum.
I feel there’s almost always a politeness element with in-laws, especially in the earlier days, and It’s probably because you DO matter to her that she’s wanting a bit of separation so she can let her hair down without feeling self conscious. I’m sure she’s very fond of you, it sounds like you’ve been very much part of things otherwise.

Vitrolinsanity · 14/05/2025 20:10

Maybe her mum threw a sulk, so she’s been invited to shut her up.

Helpmeplease2025 · 14/05/2025 20:13

Surely you can see you’re not on the same level as her actual Mum?

Original poster
Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 20:22

Thank you for all your comments - it's been very helpful.

I now realise I'm overreacting and I can move on from this

I can now focus on looking forward to the wedding festivities - and not take it personally.

Thanks everyone ☺️

OP posts:
MagdaLenor · 14/05/2025 20:24

Can you just answer one question please? What is a "say yes to the dress"?

Theroadt · 14/05/2025 20:26

I’m sorry I think you are being really self-centred. Your DIL is trying to include you but you are not her mum - her mum has a special place. If you swapped shoes for a minute you’d want a little spdcial treatment from your daughter, wouldn’t you? It’s not dxcluding you, she is nurturing her relationship with her mum. Please please don’t spoil it for her of her son by making this all about you and your perceived hurt. I’m sorry to sound harsh but my mum took your viewpoint on similar issues and frankly my wedding day is not a very happy memory bdcause of all the hoo-ha she created beforehand.

Bbq1 · 14/05/2025 20:41

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 16:59

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

Please can you explain what a "say yes to the dress" actually is? Lots of pp's have asked including myself. Please enlighten us, Op!

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 14/05/2025 20:43

I’m also going to ask - what is say yes to the dress. I’m assuming a form of dress fitting gathering?? But I don’t understand the term??

GravyBoatWars · 14/05/2025 21:13

Pre-wedding dinners - yes, they're a takeoff on the more traditional "rehearsal dinner" tradition in the US. Traditionally the bride's side hosted and paid for the wedding, so the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner the night before (after the ceremony rehearsal, thus the name). Typically it's the wedding party and immediate family members from both sides and the groom's parents would host to thank the bride's family for their "hospitality" of the wedding itself, but it's also an occasion for the bride and groom to thank their families and attendants for their participation/support and parents will often give personal speeches/toasts then rather than at the wedding itself. For most people it's not a formal occasion - reserving a room at a moderately-priced restaurant is very common - and the typical attendees are people who will already be arriving the day before the wedding in preparation for a full next day so planning dinner together is practical anyways. Sometimes the invitation will considerately be extended to include other out-of-town family if they're already going to be arriving the day prior. I've never been a fan of the OTT hen do/bachelorette party/shower trend, but as an American ex-pat I'll stand up for the rehearsal dinner tradition 😂

spanishcheese · 14/05/2025 21:25

Mischance · 14/05/2025 18:04

Two hens, a pre-wedding dinner and then a wedding! Blimey they are going for it!

I think you need to let this wash by you to be honest. You have good relationships with all these people and you need to build on that rather than harbouring a resentment. You need to play the long game - this is the rest of your life.

I wouldn't be surprised if there's a bridal shower as well

GravyBoatWars · 14/05/2025 21:28

And OP, others have pointed out that it's absolutely unreasonable to be this upset that the bride has invited her own mother to her closest friends trip but not you. You really do need to respect that the bride's relationship with her mother is not the same as her relationship with you just like your relationship with your son isn't the same as your relationship with your soon-to-be DIL. The bride isn't an extension of your son, she's her own person with decades worth of relationships of her own that she should be able to treasure and maintain, and the hen do is about her, not the bride and groom as a unit. You and she have already started building a relationship between the two of you and it will hopefully continue to flourish for decades to come, but a great way to sour that is to compete with her mother or force artificial intimacy that ignores her feelings. This will continue to be a problem through their marriage if you aren't careful, especially if they have children, when you and her mum will be equal grandmothers to the new arrival but likely not equally close to the expecting/postpartum mum.

spanishcheese · 14/05/2025 21:30

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 14/05/2025 20:43

I’m also going to ask - what is say yes to the dress. I’m assuming a form of dress fitting gathering?? But I don’t understand the term??

Say yes to the dress - it's a TV show where brides invite their besties, bridesmaids, moms, mils etc to give their verdicts on a variety of bridal dresses modelled by the bride, eventually agreeing on a dress they all like, hence saying yes to the dress.
You have to see this show to believe it.

CheFaro · 14/05/2025 21:40

It’s very strange that you got this melodramatically upset about something entirely normal. By definition, a hen is for the bride’s friends and family. She had two and invited you to one. Do you have a habit of looking for offence and exclusions?

mathanxiety · 14/05/2025 21:45

I'm a soon to be MoG whose future DIL is like another daughter. I know everyone is different and we all have baggage of some kind or another, but quite honestly, I'd let this go, and remember that the bride is bound to be closer to her own mother than to you even though your relationship is a close one. If / when a baby comes along, be prepared to see her mother to the fore too.

Edited - I wouldn't interpret this as a rejection, one in the eye for you, or one upmanship on the part of the bride's mother. It's just a reflection of the fact that her mother is bound to be a major part of her life. You are too but in a different way.

mathanxiety · 14/05/2025 21:50

@GravyBoatWars
As an Irish expat in America, I love the rehearsal dinner tradition too. It's a lovely, hospitable custom, and a great ice breaker.

Sweetpea333 · 14/05/2025 21:51

Stop thinking about it. It's all bollocks anyway getting married after 11 years together - she's hardly a vestal virgin. Tradition means zero.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 14/05/2025 22:02

spanishcheese · 14/05/2025 21:30

Say yes to the dress - it's a TV show where brides invite their besties, bridesmaids, moms, mils etc to give their verdicts on a variety of bridal dresses modelled by the bride, eventually agreeing on a dress they all like, hence saying yes to the dress.
You have to see this show to believe it.

Show quote history

Thank you!!

CarCrashLifes · 14/05/2025 22:03

You’ve been included in more in her life and her wedding so far than a lot
let this one go

Funnyduck60 · 15/05/2025 12:21

It's her day not yours. Maybe concentrate on friends of your own age group.

LBFseBrom · 15/05/2025 12:26

WearyAuldWumman · 14/05/2025 17:07

I feel that you're overthinking it, OP. The restricted hen-do is for the bride's side only.

I agree.

Think about it then you'll 'get' it and won't feel hurt.