I don't want to make a scene...

[Fabulous1000]

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

Is the bride’s dad invited to your son’s stag do abroad?

Why do weddings trigger absolute bat shittery in some people? Is the bat shittery waiting dormant until the engagement happens I wonder 🤔

Sounds like a ‘bride’s side’ do.

Which is fine.

It’s her Mum!

I think you are being ott, Op. Mind you, somis bride having 2 hen do's.
Also can somebody please explain to me what an occasion called "say yes to the dress" actually is?

Even inviting her own mum seems weird to me but definitely not the grooms mum. And what’s a pre wedding dinner? Seems like the dil to be has swallowed the wedding craziness pill… let it go

Come on. This is her mother! Her relationship with her is her whole lifetime! It’s like the post the other day when the MIL felt very hurt that the bride didn’t thank her in the same fashion she thanked her own mother!
You are being very unreasonable.

You've been included in a lot of the wedding stuff which is more than a lot of mother of the grooms get! If she wants her mum with her going abroad for the hen do, I think that's fine. She is going to feel closer to her mum than to you, that's completely normal. I loved my MIL but obviously not on the same level as my mum. I did include her in things but there are obviously times when you just want your mum.

No way would my mil be on my hen do!

I've been to three pre-wedding dinners in the past ten years. I'd never heard of them before.

Twice, I was at the family dinner the night before with the families of the bride and groom - in both cases, the groom was a nephew of my late husband's. (It was only close family plus the bridal party.)

The third time, I was surprised but delighted to be invited to the pre-wedding dinner for a colleague. TBH, I think that I got the invitation to that because I'd travelled a decent distance - from Scotland to Ireland - and they knew that I was on my own, having been recently widowed.

If you would have paid me a million pounds I wouldn’t have had my MIL at my hen do.

Very good point

The whole mother going on hen do is very odd to me (old, friends/dinner/ nightclub generation) but it seems more of a thing now. MIL erm no, for more reasons than I have the energy to type.

It sounds like you have been very much included in loads of the wedding, so please don't make a big deal of this, for your own sake.

Close friends she has known a.long time and her mum (who probably knows these long term friends very well too) - makes perfect sense.
Alternatively - look out for another thread from the bride, about her mum who has butted in on an overseas, friends only, hen-do, when she has arranged for all the older women to join a second hen-do at home.😄

I think it's a US thing, "rehearsal dinner" held after the wedding rehearsal.

You ask, "How should I deal with this please?"

You deal with it by being an adult and saying "have a lovely time, and I look forward to joining you at the UK hen do."

Would you really 'make a scene' because it seems you are not as close to the bride as her mother and a few hand-picked close friends she is taking on holiday?

It sounds like you have a decent relationship with your future DiL - don't ruin it now.

Yes, originally.

I've been to one in Scotland, one in England and one in Ireland.

Who on earth wants their MIL at their hen do, no matter how close!

Come on OP, why would you let this affect what you say is a great relationship. This is a you problem, you need to get over it.

FFS OP. She probably knows her friends will try to get her to drink too much alcohol and possibly play stupid games full of embarrassing sexual themes etc. And maybe she has a relationship with her mum where that kind of joking around doesn’t make her uncomfortable. Or maybe her sister is coming with her baby niece and their mum will be babysitting! Doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to invite her future MIL. There is already another hen-do organized with a different feel that you are invited to! Definitely a you probably and not a slight.

I think it's quite a nice idea actually, both families getting together beforehand (more so than 978 million overseas hens!)

This!
Also the second groom's mother post in as many days where they can't seem to comprehend that they are not as important to the bride as the bride's own mother. They are and will be different relationships and that is fine.

I invited my mum and some aunts (her sisters) to mine-it simply didn't occur to me to invite my DH's mum!

No married in 1999 and just took mum, mil and a few friends to the pub. These huge events with 2 hen nights, pre wedding dinners etc etc are a new thing.

Oh get over yourself.

This.

bloody hell, OP, woman up.

What is a "say yes to the dress"?