I don't want to make a scene...

[Fabulous1000]

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

@Fabulous1000 Dodged a potentially expensive do I would say...

Mind you, I'm so not a fan of these overblown hen dos and judging by the posts on here, cause a fair amount of angst all round! What's wrong with going out locally for some drinks, a meal etc.? #Iamamiserableoldbag

I'd imagine her mum would be invited to both. But it's her choice.
You can't expect her to put you in the same category of importance as her own mother. No matter how much you get on with eachother.

When you got married would you have treated your MIL exactly the same as your mum?

I don't think it's reasonable to be deeply offended. It's really not about you and it never will be. It's their wedding. She's clearly including you, likes you, and bits you are not invited to are not really your concern I don't think.

As a mother I would not want to go on a hen night. To me that is for the bride and her friends.

exactly this
wouldnt you just be cringing when the strippers and Willy straws come out

I find it a bit excessive like tho more that is spent on pre nup events guarantees the success of the Marriage it’s,like‘maximum exposure
I suppose the house will be furnished with wedding gifts too
(is it not the case that people value more things that they have earned )
the whole processs has become a bit vulgar and detracts from the priorities of home building and stability are simply afterthoughts
my daughter married last year with the (now obligatory) home and away hens a wedding in the Dominican Republic and a home wedding
i hope that the investment pays off in the long term

@Fabulous1000 Hi OP, I get it. I'm the Mum of two boys and I know, full well, that there (are, and) will be multiple times and occasions I'm left out. It is hurtful but I remain philosophical and try to be rational. In addition, the thought of becoming the kind of MIL featured in threads on here, fills me with horror!
Ignore the negative PPs,

I know, so tedious.

Almost as dull as self-involved lazy posters who can't be bothered to click "see all" on a OP's posts.

I don't understand why anybody would want to spend their "last night of freedom" under the watchful eye of their future MIL. I personally wouldn't invite anyone from my own family, let alone from DH's if I were planning a hen do. I'd want to let my hair down, speak freely and not be on best behaviour in front of any family members, I'd certainly not be inviting my mum! Your DIL could feel on edge getting drunk in front of her fiancé's family members and making herself the potential subject of gossip if any antics are fed back to the wider family. I don't think this is personal to you and you've been invited to the family hen, try not to worry.

What's your point?
How does this address OPs point?
Err yeah, well pleased your kid got married the other year in DR 👏🏼🙄

You have a grown up son what did you do for your hen party?
I had a hen in the 1980’s which was a night with friends at a local restaurant; no parents invited at all. I am assuming you did similar? Don’t get swept up in all of this nonsense.

Sounds like you need a lesson in humanity - whilst this may all be true, it doesn't make it any less hurtful
Here's hoping you have 3 DS and spend all your days typing on Mumsnet - given you'll have zero value in your kids' lives 🤪

Why are people still having a go at OP? She's already taken the feedback onboard and thanked everyone for it.

I think the last person you want at your hen do is your mil to be, so I think it's nice of your future dil to invite you for the home hen do which is meant for wider friends and family. The abroad one is obviously for her to have fun and probably get drunk and not get judged for it by her future mil.

Oh dear OP. If you're this upset about the wedding, you're going to be even more upset when they have children. You're setting yourself up for world of pain if you think you can be the same to your DIL as her mother is.

I can see why it stings but give your head a wobble, yes it's lovely you get on so well but you can't expect to be on a level with her own mum, can you?

Also maybe her mum knows all her "hens" so it would work together better

How is it hurtful? It's the truth. Are you as close to your MIL as you are to your mother?

Exactly - pure nastiness

I’ve always been confused about the groom inviting future FiL to the stag. Surely this is a last hurrah with mates and close family before settling down in to a new life? I didn’t invite my mum or mil to my hen do.
OP, I can understand why you feel left out but you have been invited to the one here. Enjoy it without feeling resentful.

How can people be bothered with this stuff?

I said it's true - if you actually read. Clearly comprehension isn't your strong point, however, no need to kick OP, is there?
For record, no, I wasn't. But she's dead now and I fully understood and was mindful of the fact, she was a huge part of my DH's life

I invited my mum and aunty to the hen do but they decided not to come, to leave it to the younger ones. I didn't even think of inviting MIL, it wouldn't have been her scene, and I wasn't close to SIL then. Nice that she is having two and inviting you to the second.

TBF @CapitalAtRisk if you're going to live life on such reductive terms, devoid of any nuance, then good luck 🙌🏼

& she probably feels she’d have to mind & look after you. Make sure You are having a good time. Let it go it’s not all about you.

Not just a US thing, and not a new thing. I went to a few in the UK 40 years ago when everyone in my family seemed to get married over the span of a few years. You do a rehearsal at the church then all go for dinner, or others had a dinner where both families got together prior to the wedding. My mum and dad did it when they got married in 1968. We got married 20 years ago, and there was no rehearsal but close family in both sides all came out to dinner with us. Just because you’ve seen it on TV doesn’t mean it’s from the US.

I'm 59, dear. I am satisfied with the way I live my life. My MIL and I are close, but she is not my mother.