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Original poster

I don't want to make a scene...

222 replies

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 16:59

My son and his fiance are getting married later this year.

Over the 11 years they have been together, I have always enjoyed a great relationship with my future daughter in law - lots of family times with our family and hers.

When the plans were being made, I was told that there were to be 2 hen do's - 1 just for her and her hens - abroad, and one for the wider family and other friends - which I've been invited to.

I found out last week, when someone asked who was going to the abroad hen do that her mum is going. Just to make things clear, I also get on really well with her mum and we have socialised many times.

I feel heartbroken that she clearly doesn't want me there - and I'm quite emotional about it - I feel very hurt and excluded.

I was invited to 'say yes to the dress' for example, so I can't understand why she would leave me out

I can't discuss this with anyone as I obviously don't want to make a scene or cause any bad feeling leading up to the wedding, but I'm going to find it difficult not to get upset at the pre wedding dinner, when I'm expected to make a speech.

I am trying really hard to accept that it is her choice - but can't stop the pain that I feel at her decision.

Going forward, I realise that I need to somehow find acceptance as otherwise, this could cause bad feeling in the future - and I don't want anything to come between my son and myself.

How should I deal with this please

OP posts:
cocoromo · 15/05/2025 18:49

SpunkySquid · 14/05/2025 17:16

It’s sad so many think this is ok. When I got married we made sure everything was equal, both sides were invited to everything, no one was left out.

so equal here would mean the op going to her sons stag?

Puttinginthemiles · 15/05/2025 18:51

Lovelife85 · 15/05/2025 18:48

Am I reading this correctly? Why do people get so wound up and upset over the silliest things? You must have too much time on your hands to worry about something as silly as this.If you weren’t invited to either of the hen do’s I would then understand why you would be emotional but you are invited to one.

i think you need to grow up and stop falling to pieces over something so ridiculous!

You could have read the OP's update rather than typing all that.

2ndbestslayer · 15/05/2025 18:56

Puttinginthemiles · 15/05/2025 18:51

You could have read the OP's update rather than typing all that.

Show quote history

Thank the lord. I was feeling so alone...

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 15/05/2025 19:01

She just wants to completely relax and let her hair down on the hen do and doesn’t quite have the relationship with you where she feels she can do that. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. You’re her future MIL, not her friend. That’s ok.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 15/05/2025 19:01

Thank your lucky stars you're involved at all, I wasn't even invited to my sons wedding. Something I'll have to live with for the rest of my days. Instead of being upset, be grateful for what you HAVE been invited to. It's a long road ahead and this is just the beginning, there'll be lots more to get upset about, should you choose to, after they're married and when kids come along

HumphreyCushionintheHouse · 15/05/2025 19:05

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 20:22

Thank you for all your comments - it's been very helpful.

I now realise I'm overreacting and I can move on from this

I can now focus on looking forward to the wedding festivities - and not take it personally.

Thanks everyone ☺️

You’re going to be a great MIL, and you future DIL is lucky to have you. It’s good of you to take comments onboard and move past this.
Enjoy the wedding.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/05/2025 19:07

Do you know her childhood friends etc in the same way that her mum does?

Theroadt · 15/05/2025 19:08

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 20:22

Thank you for all your comments - it's been very helpful.

I now realise I'm overreacting and I can move on from this

I can now focus on looking forward to the wedding festivities - and not take it personally.

Thanks everyone ☺️

I take my hat off to you for taking all the comments (including mine I hope) on the chin & moving on. You’ll be a wonderful MIL - have a lovely wedding in all its celebrations xx

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/05/2025 19:09

Fabulous1000 · 14/05/2025 20:22

Thank you for all your comments - it's been very helpful.

I now realise I'm overreacting and I can move on from this

I can now focus on looking forward to the wedding festivities - and not take it personally.

Thanks everyone ☺️

I’m glad you posted, and have taken it on board. Better to realise YABU now than make a comment and ruin the lovely relationship you have.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/05/2025 19:17

GravyBoatWars · 14/05/2025 21:13

Pre-wedding dinners - yes, they're a takeoff on the more traditional "rehearsal dinner" tradition in the US. Traditionally the bride's side hosted and paid for the wedding, so the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner the night before (after the ceremony rehearsal, thus the name). Typically it's the wedding party and immediate family members from both sides and the groom's parents would host to thank the bride's family for their "hospitality" of the wedding itself, but it's also an occasion for the bride and groom to thank their families and attendants for their participation/support and parents will often give personal speeches/toasts then rather than at the wedding itself. For most people it's not a formal occasion - reserving a room at a moderately-priced restaurant is very common - and the typical attendees are people who will already be arriving the day before the wedding in preparation for a full next day so planning dinner together is practical anyways. Sometimes the invitation will considerately be extended to include other out-of-town family if they're already going to be arriving the day prior. I've never been a fan of the OTT hen do/bachelorette party/shower trend, but as an American ex-pat I'll stand up for the rehearsal dinner tradition 😂

What happens if the bride's side isn't paying solely for the wedding though? What if the groom's side is also putting in towards the cost of the wedding too? What if the bride and groom are paying for it themselves? Who is supposed to foot the bill for the "rehearsal dinner" then? I think we've moved past the old fashioned notion of the bride's family paying for it all, haven't we?

sleepandcoffee · 15/05/2025 19:21

this is perfectly fair of her and definitely something to get over very quickly! Take it as practice for when they have children , there’s a good chance her mum will seem more involved , may be at the birth and could be first to visit .

GravyBoatWars · 15/05/2025 19:24

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/05/2025 19:17

What happens if the bride's side isn't paying solely for the wedding though? What if the groom's side is also putting in towards the cost of the wedding too? What if the bride and groom are paying for it themselves? Who is supposed to foot the bill for the "rehearsal dinner" then? I think we've moved past the old fashioned notion of the bride's family paying for it all, haven't we?

Show quote history

Just like with all the other wedding costs these days, the various parties contributing to the wedding as a whole figure out something that works in their specific situation, at a cost level that makes sense for their budgets.

Or they skip it, plenty do. It’s not some mandatory thing or some etiquette issue, it’s just a tradition many people enjoy to have a dinner with the two immediate families and the wedding party to acknowledge their support and contributions before the larger, more formal celebrations happen.

DrPrunesqualer · 15/05/2025 19:27

The abroad hen do is for those she is the closest to. So it makes sense her mother would go as there’s no one closer

Still marvelling at the ‘yes to the dress’ event though

Ellephanting · 15/05/2025 19:27

Kindly, you need to get a grip. You aren’t her mum or one of her friends. I’m beyond astonished at your reaction.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/05/2025 19:31

I thought that you were going to say that you hadn't been invited to either of the hen dos. She has invited you to the wider family hen, which is what I would have expected. She is obviously going to be much closer to her own mum who will probably know all the hens personally as they will be close friends of her daughter, probably some of them from childhood.

Why can't you just enjoy the event that you have been invited to?

Bubbletrain · 15/05/2025 19:31

Avatartar · 15/05/2025 12:34

Sounds like you need some MIL training if this has set you off:
• when the babies come DIL will want her mum there more than you
• DIL will probs visit her parents with baby more than you
• baby may see MIL more than you for childcare if they live close
• children tend to be closer to their parents than to anyone else

Step back and think about this, it’s your son’s wife to be, she’s not your daughter and her parents are more special to her than you - that’s normal

My parents are not more special to me than my in laws. My MIL is my best friend and my biggest support.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/05/2025 19:33

SpunkySquid · 14/05/2025 17:16

It’s sad so many think this is ok. When I got married we made sure everything was equal, both sides were invited to everything, no one was left out.

How on earth do you think that this isn't OK? OP has been invited to a hen do. She hasn't been left out.

CalleOcho · 15/05/2025 19:33

How should I deal with this please

You put your big girl pants on and get the fuck over yourself. To put it bluntly.

JassyRadlett · 15/05/2025 19:35

CalleOcho · 15/05/2025 19:33

How should I deal with this please

You put your big girl pants on and get the fuck over yourself. To put it bluntly.

You'll be thrilled to learn that OP did exactly that some pages back.

Parky04 · 15/05/2025 19:37

I would still like to know if your future DIL's dad is invited to the stag do?

CalleOcho · 15/05/2025 19:38

JassyRadlett · 15/05/2025 19:35

You'll be thrilled to learn that OP did exactly that some pages back.

Show quote history

Yawn. 🙄

WillimNot · 15/05/2025 19:39

I don't see the issue. Her actual Mum is going and presumably knows her hens very well, which is presume isn't the case with you?

When my SIL got married, she had three hen nights, one for "family" one for "family and very close friends" and "everyone else". Despite being the mother of two of her nephews, and having been with her brother for 14 years, I was at what I heard her call the third hen, the afterthoughts hen. That one hurt.

In your case I don't believe there is any malicious intent.

141mum · 15/05/2025 19:40

I understand where you coming from. I would feel the same. Just smile and deal with it, not a lot you can do unfortunately x

Beautifulweeds · 15/05/2025 19:40

I understand why you're feeling hurt and you could somehow mention you would have liked to have gone to it.

However, please don't take it personally. As much as anyone loves their Mum in law, if it's only immediate family, then if you were invited it would create an obligation to invite all in laws I guess. So, can't just invite you, who she clearly adores, will have to invite your whole family as well.

Just my hopefully balanced and wise opinion. Xxx

Therealmetherealme · 15/05/2025 19:41

On her birthday, if she has a day with her mum, will you feel left out then? Please, let it go, none of this really matters. A wedding will be wonderful memories, don’t spoil it for yourself.

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