siblings and bridesmaids

[dementedma]

DD2 get married next year. she does not want DD1 as a bridesmaid. Not to drip feed but DD1 has mental health problems and DD2 is worried that being in a crowd and in the spotlight, having to make small talk etc which are all things that DD1 hates, will be too much.
DD1, i suspect doesn't actually want to be a bridesmaid for all of the reasons above, but is giving the impression that she has been overlooked in favour of DD2's friends. she has been asked to do a reading instead - shorter time in the public eye - and agreed, but there is friction and comment from the wider family. Personally, I genuinely don't care if DD1 even attends the wedding. if it's too stressful I'd rather she wasn't there, but this seems to be an unacceptable train of thought.

Not caring whether one of your daughters attends the other's wedding is a horrid thing to think.

Unless your DD1 has done something dreadful, I hope you try to be nicer.

Ignore the wider family. It's not their wedding. And if DD1 doesn't want to attend as it's too much then you are right not to force her. Her MH comes first. A wedding is one day a sister is for life. Maybe Dd1 and DD2 need to talk to clear the air though. X

Not caring whether one of your daughters attends the other's wedding is a horrid thing to think.

I don't think OP meant it in a bad way. I read it in the sense that she cares about her wellbeing and if her mental health and happiness would be better by not attending then the OP would support her in that I hope

@user1474894224 put it really well. Ignore the wider family. As someone who suffers from MH issues, you sound very supportive and really looking out for her wellbeing which even if she doesn't say it openly, I'm sure she appreciates. Sounds like it would be good for them to have a chat about it openly and honestly.

Thank you mafalda thats exactly what I meant.
bayleys comment was hurtful and showed a familiar lack of understanding of families dealing with mental health, which is why I didnt respond to it

dementedma

Ignore them, they're on the Mumsnet kind bandwagon - it makes less and less sense every day that passes. Afflicted posters are in a race to the bottom to find the worst in an OP in order to berate them for not being 'kind'.

I understood exactly, and it will really help your DD to not feel pressured. My brother didn't attend my wedding due to health issues, and although I would have liked him there, I wasn't going to ask him to put himself under strain to be there. Our best man was a no show even - he had a mental breakdown a month before the wedding.

I'm having an awful week - ill, sick pets at home and stress at work. It would relieve me immensely to know the friends I've agreed to visit 200 miles away at the weekend would not care if I didn't show up and like me just the same!

The wider family, quite frankly, can fuck off. They are doing exactly the sort of shit that will play up anxieties, when the two people concerned have no issue whatsoever!

I would be very firm with that sort of nonsense - 'Don't be silly. DD1 and DD2 are very happy with the plans. It's perfectly usual to have friends - do you not go to many weddings?'.

Thank you cats. Much appreciated

I think I would have the same pragmatic approach as you. It does not seem like being bm would necessarily suit your daughter. I would not care one jot that wider family think this should be the correct protocol. One thing I would be concerned about is non-bridesmaid daughter acting a little put out. Even if she is hamming it up a bit and would struggle with the duties on the day, I think it might well be sad for her that her MH is impacting on her life in ways like this, and that must be hard. I would show her plenty of understanding. That doesn’t mean the solution should be that she should in fact, be bridesmaid.

Although I am surprised that doing a reading would work better for her. This sounds more stressful than being a bm to me, personally. But I’m sure your family know your daughter better than I do. I think your daughter should be involved in having a say about what would suit her, if she hasn’t already.