Opinions please!

[PeanutJuice]

One parter thinks that weddings are for an extended family celebration of the couples commitment, and eloping or having a small (couple and witnesses only) wedding is selfish

Other partner thinks that weddings are for the couple to celebrate their commitment to one another and a traditional white wedding is a waste of money, eloping or a small wedding is ideal

Who gets their way? Is this a ref flag? Compromise on invitee numbers is difficult due to numbers in each "family bracket" once you begin inviting certain family members (if we invite A, we have to invite B- hope this makes sense)

You need to find a compromise that suits both of you.

How is communication between you generally?

If you cannot work out how to deal with issues where you have diametrically opposed views, then better to find out now before you are married (rather than later on when the stakes - and sunk costs - are rather higher).

Compromise, For us DP wants to elope (previously married with the big do) I want my family there at least and would like a few friends
We are having tuny ceremony Us, DC, witness amd my family (all 8 people including Aunts and cousins) after a chilled BBQ at home with my family friends and his family (9 siblings plus). His family have already paid £££ for his big do 20 yrs ago why should the pay agaim 😉

Communication is generally good, we are open to compromise, but due to the size of both families, if we choose to widen the invite lists to include aunties/uncles and cousins (very much wanted by the partner who wants the bigger wedding) the number goes from a reasonably small wedding to nearing 100 day guests, so the compromise ends up being closer to the "big traditional wedding" side. I guess on this issue the compromise sways in one persons favour, I'm sure in other situations in future it will sway in the other persons favour, just one of those things?!

I like the 3 year rule - have you seen these people in the last 3 years? If yes was it at a funeral? If yes have you seen them in the last 2 years outside a funeral? If yes invite! If no - do they live very far away? If yes then invite!

Could you have a big wedding and include family, but not have a traditional white wedding and have something more informal such as hire a room in a pub for some drinks?

That way it won't cost a lot of money. Your concern about finances is fair, but it is a greater hardship for him to have to exclude his family (for which they might not be very forgiving - I wouldn't be for immediate family) than it is for you to have some guests there.

Could you just do parents, grandparents and and siblings alternatively?

Thank you for your messages. We have compromised on some of the traditional aspects, no formal photographer, hired cars, traditional top table, wedding cake, giving away of the bride, etc but have still invited Day guests to a three course sit down meal with drinks so a much more relaxed affair (I hope?! Will these aspects be missed?) Unfortunately only inviting siblings parents and grandparents is a non-negotiable due to the very large and close family!

Becareful my DSis said no formal photos and now regrets it as she missed oppertunities from the day for pics with granparentd etc. Maybe make a list of pucs you would like and assign someone to take them
And have a lovely day