future SILs hen night

[nahidontthinkso]

I've never been married and we have a small family so haven't been to a wedding in years.

DB is getting married this and year and future SIL has planned a hen night but not invited anybody from our side of the family.
I always thought that it is tradition to invite women from both sides of the family to hen and stag nights. Is that the case? What are the rules for hen nights?

I get on well with her so i'm a little disappointed not to be invited. Obviously im not going to make a fuss because its her night but i just wondered what the rules are.

Surely it's her hen, she should invite whoever she likes? There are no "rules" she has to abide by. If she's having a humungous party, inviting dozens, and you've been left out then maybe you can feel a bit miffed, but it's just as likely she's having a bit of a party for good friends.

I had a tiny dinner for my hen, with a few friends, no family. I was invited to one SIL's hen, not the other two, no problem.

I'm not miffed and i already said its her night. I never said she can't invite who she wants??
I explained in my post that i wasn't sure what the rules/etiquette/tradition were for hen nights and that's all i wanted to know.

Well, you certainly sound a bit miffed, otherwise why would you care?

The modern form of a hen party, in the sense we know it now, isn't an old tradition at all, so there aren't any well-worn "rules" as such.

The concept of Hen nights are modelled on stags, which are usually very much about the groom's friends (originally, in Sparta, his military comrades) giving him a send-off.

So really, I don't think there are any traditions/etiquette really. I certainly see Stags and Hens as friends territory rather than family.

I had two hen nights.

The real one, for friends and very close family where we really let our hair down and had a crazy night.

Then the other one, a meal and a few quiet drinks afterwards that included grandmother, great aunt and the in-laws.

As much as I like and get on with my SIL there was no way she was being invited to the first.

Lol i'm really not miffed.
I've just seen lots of programmes on TV such at Don't tell the bride and Bridezilla's where they invite the grooms family. I have only ever been to one hen do where the grooms mum was invited so i just wondered that the norm was.

I think she is being extremely rude unless she is having more than one hen night, some people I know have done works/family/friend etc (although admittedly I find this odd too.)

Just good friends I thought

Personal preference of the bride really. I didn't have members of my DH's family at mine as they would have dampened the spirits! I've been to quite a few where both mothers and MILs have been present.

I think she should have invited you.

The norm is not to invite family at all in my experience. Sisters usually get a look in if close in age, mums rarely.

Wow there really is no norm then!
SIL has quite a large clique of friends that she regularly gets pissed with and she's not the sort to do quiet meals (the last meal she went to she did a runner from )
DB is paying for the whole bloody wedding hen night so she's probably trying to keep numbers down.

The ones on TV probably only invite the in laws for the drama

I invited dm and mil but then I guess it depends on the hen night - mine wasn't a drunken night of strippers. Sil did invite me to hers but I was traveling back for the wedding and couldn't do both. I think it depends on the hen.

I invited dm and mil but then I guess it depends on the hen night - mine wasn't a drunken night of strippers. Sil did invite me to hers but I was traveling back for the wedding and couldn't do both. I think it depends on the hen.

Why are you cross that DB is paying for his own wedding

Sounds like she just wants her fun friends there.

Perhaps she senses you don't think your db should be paying for wedding.

Because they both work and she isn't paying for any of it. DB gives her money to go out every weekend. He is paying for the wedding when he doesn't want to get married. She booked it without asking him!
He bought her an iphone for her birthday, she bought him a bar of chocolate
He pays all of the bills and childcare and shopping as well. She was supposed to pay for some of the bills but didn't and ended up getting fined for no TV licence and he paid the fine! He's only on 35k per year so not exactly rolling in it.
She's always asking him for money, it's all a bit one sided iyswim.

Sounds like your db needs to man up a little.... if he 'doesn't want to get married' then why on earth is he

If I were you I would be grateful not to be invited to the hen night, sounds horrendous and from what you say you don't seem to have much in common with your SIL to be so why worry about it?

Its up to your DB to sort out his financial arrangements - if he's not happy about it he should do something about it, it is really nothing to do with you. Although I agree that it does sound one sided from what you are telling us.

Why is he going along with the wedding if he doesn't want to? He needs to learn to stand up for himself.

I didn't invite SIL to my hen night and she didn't invite me to hers. DH and DB didn't invite each other to their stag nights either. We get on fine but are not particularly close.

To answer your original question I'm guessing you've not been invited to the hen night because she senses you don't like her.

There are no rules for hen nights anymore - I've been to loads, some with family, some without, some with only maternal side not inlaws etc. I always thought you should invite female friends / relatives of the groom as well as the hens side but I think that's me being old fashioned!

Where did i say i don't like her? I don't have a problem with her at all and we get on fine.

I agree DB does need to man up. The situation that he is in is his own fault because he gives in to her all of the time. I don't blame her for that, i blame him. He says he goes along with everything she says for a quiet life. She genuinely does love him and wants the security that marriage brings and i can't knock her for that as i would want the same, although i would probably go about it in a different way.

Thanks for all your responses its been helpful