Please help me decide if I’m being unreasonable about this?

[Sobadatthisitsalmostfunny]

I just need an outside perspective.
I am a 40 year old gay woman and I met a woman in her late 30s about 18 months ago through work. We got on immediately and she disclosed that she is bi, although has never had a relationship with a woman.
We spent a lot of time together from the start and that has continued. We did go to a gay club together early on and when another woman approached me she said it made her jealous and there was something between us but she wasn’t sure what yet.

anyway - I don’t 100% trust what she says because she is also someone who likes to be admired and desired - it’s very high on her list. So some of what she says / does I believe is that and I also wonder if the jealousy was about me being approached and not her (which is fair, they must have had beer goggles on!)

Basically I don’t think she likes me ‘like that’ but sometimes I feel like I’m going mad.
Is this what women do with their friends? I no longer know anymore.

• tell them their best days are when they are together
• say I love you - at night before bed, when parting, at the end of every call, and sometimes just randomly
• quite physical - tickling, lying with feet across me, head in my lap etc.
• hugging for a long time / kissing hair
• asking if people think we are together
• linking arms / holding hands
• spending a lot of time together - prioritising it I guess
• says she’s more herself with me than anyone, I make her feel safe, confident etc.
• occasionally slaps me on the arse
• we went to London a few weeks back and it was busy on the tube so she sat on my lap

I never ever instigate anything as I wouldn’t want someone to feel uncomfortable and she’s way out of my league. Plus I just don’t believe she sees me like that… but am I going mad? Is this just how some friendships are?

Ask her? No one on the internet can tell you what she is really feeling.

She's playing with you. She may or may not fancy you but her ego is getting a boost and she's flirting with gay without actually having to be gay.

Yes. That is where I am.
and that’s fine because I can remind myself of it.

It’s just sometimes I need to know I’m not going mad!

Stop with the 'out of my league' stuff. It's not healthy. Know your worth and find someone who knows it too. Good luck. She's not for you x

i would flat out ask her on a date, make it clear it's a date. You will know instantly from her response. Be ready to be rejected, I don't trust her motives.

Shes teasing you.

She's enjoying the attention I think

After all that surely you would have kissed or something if it was going anywhere?

Just ask her outright if she fancies you and can she see anything happening between you.
Its either that as she's never been with a woman before that she doesn't know where to start OR she's playing you and just likes the thought of a woman who's into women liking her.
Either way, don't let her mess with your head and value yourself more. You sound lovely.

As for your question. No none of my friends say those or act like that around me. She's pushing boundaries.

If I were you, I would stop being an option for her. I would start dating women who aren't playing games. I think she's just enjoying the ego boost.

Rip the band aid off. Ask her, if she's interested in a relationship with you. Don't let her flannel you. I think she's boosting her ego. You're worth far much more.

Is this just how some friendships are?

No, it isn’t.

If one of my female friends was carrying on like this I’d run a mile. Platonic female friendships are absolutely nothing like what you’re describing. If a woman acted like that towards me I’d think she was a sex pest and I’d tell her to fuck off, to be honest, in exactly the way I would if a male friend did. Friends really don’t grope each other and smooch.

There are two possibilities.

One is that she really likes you and is hoping you’ll finally make a move because she hasn’t had a relationship with a woman before and is a bit scared to be the one to say she wants a relationship.

The other is that she has no intention of a relationship and is just thriving on your attention and adoration and getting off on leading you on by flirting, but will never move you out of the friend zone. She might do this with male friends too (it’s a well known trope tbh) but there’s an added dimension with you as a woman because she’s also playing at being gay in a way that feels ‘safe’ to her.

None of us here can know whether it’s option one or option two. You’re going to have to ask her I think, because you can’t carry on like this. If she wants a relationship and you do too, great. If she doesn’t want a relationship but you want to continue the friendship, then you need to set some boundaries and tell her to stop using you and getting handsy for attention every five minutes

You also need to work on your self-esteem because all this “I haven’t acted on this because she’s out of my league” while simultaneously having quite a realistic view of her personality (all the stuff about her wanting to be admired for instance) suggests you actually suspect she’s not very nice (understandably; she sounds awful to me).

I’m straight, but you sound like by the far the better prospect to me and regardless of looks I’m not surprised you got approached instead of her. Regardless of looks (and I bet you’re more good looking than you think) I strongly suspect you come across as nicer and more approachable and are hence more far attractive than her.

thanks for the replies.

Yes - my gut instinct is that I’m safe and so it’s ok for her to do those things.
and that she likes the attention / idea of everyone (man or woman) being attracted to her.

It just seems a lot of effort from her side in terms of time spent together etc if that’s all it is but I am prepared to believe that it is indeed mainly an ego boost.

No one is out of your league for one either in looks or income please take that onboard.
No one is better than anyone else...although some believe so.
Probably a game of ego and attention on her part?
Whatever way she swing's do you want someone playing with you like that..
Tell her its good to be friends but do not blur the lines by touching and sitting on your lap...friend zone before she becomes bored or is it a temporary faze.
Keep your relationships and possible connections open for other's who are more genuine I would say but all depends on what you want.
Do gays play mind games as much as straight people...probably.

Yes, I think all people play mind games potentially, regardless of sexuality. Certainly my experiences with women have been - if anything - ‘worse’ than those with men before I came out.

When we were away she also came and ‘pinged’ the back of my bra when I was drying my hair.
It’s all on the cusp of plausible deniability. She could say it’s just how she is, it’s just a bit of flirting, it’s just how she is with her friends.

It’s really hard because it is absolutely not how I am with any of my other friends and yet I know deep down that she’d never see me in that way because ultimately she also knows she’s more attractive and confident than I am and those things are very important to her.

No that’s not at all how I would behave with a female friend, and if it was a straight male
friend I wouldn’t be behaving like that if I didn’t fancy them because it’s inappropriate and unfair on them.
She either fancies you or is playing games

My flatmate at uni had a lot of this - 2/3 girls who liked being adored, who were happy to flirt with my friend and do her head in, all as you say with plausible deniability. They weren’t bi, they just got off on being fancied by a woman.

Honestly - I’d distance myself. She’s toying with you, which makes her a shit friend

Protect yourself OP.
She reads as narcissistic and shallow.
She is playing with you because she believes herself adorable and that you haven't the guts to have the self respect to see through her.

She certainly isn't even friend material.

The stupid thing is I do know who she is, she’s shown me enough times.
But she’s also charismatic and fun and part of me feels lucky she bothers with me at all I suppose.

I don’t like feeling taken advantage of or manipulated though and the behaviour sits in that grey area - it’s enough to make me think hmmm but not enough to make me feel sure she ‘likes me.’ I guess that is how it is designed.