Let her photos RIP?

[FrayedInChelsea]

I have some lovely photos of my kids with their late mum who passed away fourteen years ago. They are both in their early twenties now and I had an idea to make one of those book photo albums which would include a small number of early ones of them with her on holidays etc. Trouble is that I was going through them yesterday evening and it triggered the old recurring nightmares. I don’t want to stir things up for them too so are they best left in the Cloud?

Can you get a friend to do it for you?

Speak to them about it, and then you can all go through the photos together at everyone's pace.

It might feel less traumatic if you do it as a family.

I would make the book photo album for them (lovely idea) and they can decide whether they want to look and keep the photos. They are young adults now but she was still their (late) mum and may appreciate the gesture.

Leaving them in the cloud is a bit like throwing them in a drawer or box no one looks in.

Personally I'd have given them one lovely framed photo of their Mum each to keep. I'd see how they cope with that. Do they display it or keep it in a drawer? I'd make the photo book about them and not included their late Mother in the photos as it might upset them.

I wouldn't leave them in the Cloud just because looking through them has brought back painful memories. Those photos may mean a lot to your children, especially as they get older. Perhaps put the album idea aside for now and ask them how they'd feel about having one. There's no rush, and you don't have to push yourself through something that brings back nightmares.

As painful as the grief can be, I think it tends to take a different turn for the (grown up) children than it does for the bereaved spouse/partner.

For the widow(er), your life was combined with theirs, and although you're always aware that you will be highly unlikely to go at the exact same time, I think many of us expect the time without them, if we are the survivor, to be poignant and sad, but relatively brief - almost like a kind of 'grief-admin' period before we too depart. Whereas for the children, they always expect (once they're old and mature enough to have an understanding of the natural life cycle) to be living a significant amount of their later life without their parents still being there.

My parents were both gone by the time I was 23, and I would dearly have loved to have them with me for several more decades; but I always fully expected that I would lose them at some point, and that a large part of their legacy would remain in all the memories and the photos that I would have of them in my later years, even though they would no longer be here in person.

I think the book is a lovely idea. If they’re not ready to look at it, they can pop it in a drawer for ‘one day’. It may be something they want later, once they have children of their own. I’d give it to them quietly, with no pressure to open it there and then, especially with anyone watching. As you’ve already found, it may bring up emotions your can’t anticipate.

I think a photo in a frame, there’s more subtle pressure to put it on display.

I’m sorry the process has triggered nightmares for you though.