Friendships lost due to jealousy

[CocoBean22]

I had a group of mum friends at DC school who I would go to coffee with and dinner gatherings with.
Over the last 6 months mine and DH careers have really taken off and we are financially comfortable and own our own home with no mortgage. We
enjoy 4/5 holidays a year and are fully aware of how lucky we are and feel incredibly grateful and lucky.
We both work incredibly hard, and are humble as are our DC who will not openly talk about the nice things they do as they do not want to come across as ‘spoilt’

Ive really noticed that since we have been doing well in life, the mum friends have slowly fizzled out any contact with me and I no longer get invited to any coffee meet ups, or party’s etc.

I feel upset as I’ve not ever used our success to make them feel inadequate, and am always very conscious of not talking about things that may make it sound like I’m showing off or bragging about nice things.

I do have a lovely small group of friends who have known us and our family for a long time who are loyal and down to earth friends, but I can’t help but be bothered by the ‘old’ group of friends who have cut me out for no reason 😔

AIBU to feel sad and upset?

Have you issues any invitations yourself?

Not much you can really do about it

You don’t know what your DC say when you aren’t around (no matter what they say to you)

I would just get on enjoying planning the next holiday and accept some friendships drift.

Yes I suggested on the group chat a dinner date, and they all ignored the question 😔

The fact that you're mind jumped straight to them being jealous speaks volumes tbh.

Well you say it's for no reason, but in your heading you say jealousy. Then you say everyone is very humble and no one talks about these changes in circumstance, but somehow others have got wind and are responding to this by not being friendly with you anymore? That's all highly contradicting.

You might be right, or you might so mindful of 'being humble' that you've pushed people away by talking less about your lives and it's perceived as you putting up a wall, so people don't really want to socialise with you. It could be anything.

If you want to salvage things you can invite people to do things with you - you don't say if you have done this or not - or you can accept that some friendships are here for a reason and some are here for a season. ETA - you've since suggested a dinner date - why not a simple coffee catch up, not something that costs a great deal more and is harder to arrange given childcare arrangements.

I also have to say that in my experience the only humble people I know are the ones who would never ever call themselves that. Humbleness is something observed in others, not what you say about yourself.

Are you sure it’s because of your “success”? It seems rather a large assumption. I wonder whether you might not be coming across as “humble”. Your OP suggests you are very preoccupied with your status, which I would personally find a little off-putting.

Why are you assuming it’s because they’re jealous?

We've had this but the opposite. My DD had a best friend from 2 and the mum and I got on so well. Loads of holidays together, playdates etc. She started a new company that has really taken off, and she seems to want nothing to do with us! Really odd!

Well if you’re as quiet and humble about your lifestyle as you claim, they can’t possibly be jealous of you as they wouldn’t know you had paid off your mortgage etc etc.

Is there anything else going on that would make people not so keen to meet up with you?

Both careers taking off, paying off the mortgage and going on 4 holidays all in 6 months is quite extreme - perhaps they think you’re involved in organised crime and are keeping their distance?

Your careers only took off six months ago but you have four or five holidays a year? Or did you always have lots of holidays? In which case it won’t be obvious that you’ve come into money.

I’m wealthier than my friends. They probably wouldn’t even be aware of my finances, other than my house. There’s no mortgage but they don’t know that. I don’t mention every time we go away. I’m not at all show-offy so it hasn’t affected my friendships.

Maybe it's coincidental with your success but not the cause.

I'm not saying it is but there is no more evidence that it was jealousy than it was that they didn't like your humour.

I say it’s due to this because it’s the exact timing of when things went downhill with the friends, was literally the week we got promotions and DC won international competitions.
The timing was very clear, the week after they didn’t want to know me and ghosted me at school 🤨

But if you don't talk about that how would anyone know?

Would be very surprised if a whole group of adults stopped being friends with someone because their income increased 6 months ago.
I mean how would they even know?!
It doesn’t make sense.

What makes you jump to the idea it’s due to jealousy? Couldn’t it be possible people are tied up with their children, new babies, their jobs, their own physical or mental health?

This

I think you've given the game away a little with your "we both work incredibly hard" comment. I'm sure you do, but I'm equally sure less well paid people also work very hard. Wealth is rarely directly linked to personal merit. If you think it is, I wonder if that's coming across to your ex-friends?

There's also no reason to assume it's jealousy of your success - maybe you just don't get along that well? Or don't have stuff in common?

i feel like there’s more to this

How do they know you're so hugely successful if you're so humble that you never talk about it? Yet you assume your friends are jealous?

Would you like to be friends with someone who thought you were jealous of them? Exactly. People aren't stupid and if they've picked up on your assumption then no wonder they stepped back.

Agreed.

So you think that multiple women all somehow got wind of you being mega successful, despite you being super humble, and all got jealous and stopped talking to you?

Its far more likely you said something that pissed them off.

If you are either working as hard on your "taken off" career jobs as you say or on holiday when would you actually have time for coffee and a catch up anyway? @CocoBean22 Perhaps those whose jobs aren't quite so all-consuming are just around a bit more on the social radar and able to meet up at short notice.

Exactly! I would put money on you chelping on about nothing else.

Well are you talking about all your holidays and being mortgage free to them? Because if they’re all struggling to even pay for basics, listening to someone chatting about booking their 5th holiday of the year is going to be a blow to most people? Apologies if this isn’t the case.

I do get you though, because dh and I are in a similar financial situation to you, and I am very wary about saying anything to anyone about anything that might single me out as “doing well”. This was triggered after a couple of mum friends clocked something about my family’s finances and I saw them visibly cool towards me before my very eyes. So I am very wary about anything I say now to do with money or buying things.