advice about neighbor pls?

[ffoffpls]

we have newish neighbors. the layout of the house is that most of our garden is at the front of our house and the neighbors house is alongside our front garden. The division is high so neither of us can see the other. The neighbor can obviously hear when I am in the garden or doing things like washing the car as they have taken to coming round to collar me in the garden to raise neighbor issues. Because of the high division, I can't see them coming and don't hear them so its always an unwelcome surprise.

It doesn't happen that often but it is really starting to bother me because it makes me feel like I am under surveillance or being watched. I feel like I can't relax or enjoy the gardening. Someone dropped a glass bottle or something at the end of the drive way may have been Halloween related there was shattered glass everywhere and I was sweeping it up. The neighbor obviously heard the sound of the sweeping and appeared to complain about something or other.

I don't know what to do because mentioning it will make it "a thing" and it won't help the problem which is I know the neighbor is obviously able to hear when I am outside.

I can't say to them 'it really annoys me the way you keep coming round to speak to me when I am outside because it makes me feel like you are listening out for when I am in the garden' as it sounds mad. If I could see them coming I'd run inside but I never can.

Any advice or have I just got to accept it and be sad?

Can you draw a little diagram to explain how the gardens are aligned? Also, how high is the "division, is it head height or lower (maybe restricted height if in the front, I'm not sure).

If the neighbour is constantly complaining and annoying you, firstly I would get a cheap set of over the head earphones - you don't have to listen to anything on them, but they are a signal to others that you are not actively listening to them! Then ignore and carry on.

I wouldn't say anything just yet TBH. I'd try and solve the issue from my (your) side of the garden first, then take it further if you have to. Annoying neighbours are so unsettling.

Just say that you’re busy in the garden and now isn’t convenient. If she has a number of issue a discussion on xx date is preferable.

Just say that you’re busy in the garden and now isn’t convenien

I wouldn't be any good at that really and it doesn't really work because I can't get away. If someone is standing right there talking to you there's nothing you can do. If I tried to say dont want to discuss it now it sort of sounds short and rude but it still doesnt deal with my big issue which is the sense of someone over the boundary having a listen to when I am outside. It's that sense of surveillance which is most bothersome.

I wouldn't be any good at that really

What - speaking?

Well you'll just have to let things carry on as they are then.

Maybe I haven't explained it very well but the problem isn't the fact that they come round to speak to me in itself. If they were just coincidentally passing walking the dog I wouldn't care.

The problem is that it happens whenever I am outside in the garden so I am under surveillance almost and feel like I am under surveillance. It's that sense of being watched because they can obviously hear when I'm in the garden at least that's what I'm assuming. for all I know maybe they are curtain twitching out of an upstairs window (would be a head straining angle but maybe just about it some places) or have CCTV. They can't see me over the boundary as its high and I've always liked that privacy but now this repeated walking round to speak to me when I am outside (bearing in mind it is a bit of a walk) feels really intrusive.

Saying to them dont' do it doesn't solve the problem which is now not feeling relaxed outside because I am on edge feeling that someone next door knows I am outside and is watching/waiting so they can come round when they choose. It's the double aspect of that sense of surveillance with expecting an appearance. Even if I said, stop doing it, they will still know when I am outside apparently and it feels creepy.

Tease them a bit. In and out like the hokey cokey ? 😆 Hopefully they'll arrive as you go in!

Seriously, get a mirror for parking at the end of the drive or a lock on the gate.

Have excuses ready.... Online meeting/something in oven/left child or pet on its own.. or just... "Would you excuse me a minute..." And just go indoors until they get bored?

What are they complaining about? I would go outside more frequently tbh,

Tease them a bit. In and out like the hokey cokey ? 😆 Hopefully they'll arrive as you go in!

I did do this when I thought I heard their front door but it got a bit annoying having to break off and go inside. I got caught out anyway when they came up behind me whilst I was sweeping up the glass. I was concentrating on clearing up and not really listening out.

What are they complaining about?
If you become someone visibly uninterested in listening, maybe they might stop.

What are they complaining about?

Various things I can't really go into detail as its kind of specific and identifying but various boundary things & neighbor related things that aren't totally without basis for the ultra-fussy but are either things that just don't matter or are in their power to do something about or aren't urgent.

It's not this but it would be like complaining that a tree by the boundary has a branch that needs to be cut back as birds sit on it and shit on their car when the obvious answer is put your car in your garage, park it elsewhere on your drive instead of right under the bird muck tree or cut back any branches overhanging your property yourself. Instead of which they keep coming round to go on about various issues.

Carrying on with this not-real comparison, because I don't want to have a fall out with the neighbor, the conversation goes like this pretty much on any topic of complaint

N: Complaining
Me: Yes I see that but you could do this or what about or it isn't urgent
N: more complaining
Me: thanks for letting me know. I'll look into it but please have a look at doing x yourself.

I try to be sympathetic and not rude and fob it off nicely but its not the topics that are the issue. If they wrote me a note and stuck it through the door, I wouldn't mind and would probably be more receptive. It's this creeping round whenever I'm outside because THEY KNOW I'm there.

I know I could be really rude and say what I think but I don't want to fall out with them especially when they appear to be able to track my movements into the garden. The really sad thing is that the previous neighbours had lived their years and we all got on fine. My own home and garden feels different now and not in a good way. It maybe hard to understand or explain but it is just this sense of someone watching and knowing when (excuse childish phrasing) they can 'get you'. It really bothers me. I've never been stalked fortunately but I wonder if it is a species of that same unsettling feeling.

"I try to be sympathetic"

That's your mistake. When they launch into a complaint just "hmm, really, oh dear" back at them. Don't give them any solutions or engage with it. They keep turning up again because you're prepared to entertain it. Don't entertain it and they'll find someonelse to moan at.

Could you suggest they message you instead, if they come out to ask something, say you’ll need to think about it, speak to partner, check your insurance or something and ask them to put it in a message so you can look at it later, do this every time so they get used to messaging, at least you can choose when to answer.

It's a fact of life that you can usually hear a neighbour when they're outside, unless they're completely silent, so you're not necessarily being put under surveillance. They hear you, they take the opportunity to come round. I can't think of any way you can stop them hearing you apart from you making no noise. They'll keep doing it unless you say something to them.

Oh. Please excuse me I can hear my landline ringing and I’ve been expecting a call.

Either option a) have your phone to hand and stick it to your ear when they appear, make out you’re talking to someone and wave them off or option b) when you speak to them be as dull, short and to the point as you dare so they start to dislike you and write you off as a potential neighbour friend.
more extreme option c) be naked so they get a shock when they come round the hedge and hopefully bugger off for good

I would just ask how they know to come out every time you are in your garden.
Ask if they have a camera trained on you like a stalker.
Sorted 😂

Yes, in a jokey way I'd ask a similar question. "Feels like I'm under surveillance, are you with MI5, and do you think I'm a spy ha ha". That might put them on the back foot and they will have to explain or just make them run back indoors in fright!

I think you have to forget about being "nice" about it. It is affecting your well being and is unnecessary for them to keep popping around with moan after moan. So be more direct, firm but polite. "FK off you nosey annoying spying morons and get a life" kind of polite lol. 😊

This is brilliant. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. Thank you @AlmostAnUnderAchiever

Headphones. Big ones. The ones that go over your head. When they walk and start talking, point to the headphones and shake your head. Say you can’t break off cos you are listening to something really important for work. Continue gardening.

Be less sympathetic....
Oh, I could never worry about that.

I'm the opposite, I love birds being birds.

That doesn't bother me, no good talking to me.

I have no time to worry about that. Call the council... Or write it down ready to share at the annual street meeting.

Try ..
Wearing large music headphones and over reacting enormously every time neighbour sneaks up. Act alarmed, shocked
Oh my gosh, you almost shocked me to death!! Every time show that you are interupted.
Installing a flashing light that flashes upon detecting movement.

Put up signs near entrance to you front garden ..
PRIVATE
Private. Gardener is a naturalist.
Beware of new guard dog. (Movement activated bark)
No visitors today. Owner in meditation.

Say you have a flu.
Set your phone to ring. - Sorry. It's a private call. Motion your arm for them to leave.
Ask neighbour if they have a camera pointed to your yard, as they never cease to notice you in your garden.
Turn on very noisy leaf blower if you see them.