Best friend affair

[notsure3]

NC for this because I’m worried it’s outing.

My best friend of several years has had an affair. She’s told me and only me. I really feel quite a big burden as she’s not told anyone else and I truly feel awful holding this secret. Although I will. I won’t break her trust.

Our children both go to the same school and we spend a lot of time together, our girls regularly having play dates, we do dinner parties together, have had holidays together etc.

I know her husband well and would consider him a friend. He is a lovely guy and a great dad and father. My friend isn’t sure why she decided to sleep with someone else (multiple times). She can’t tell me why she felt the need to do it but we have talked about it at length and we both agreed she was feeling stressed about the pressures of work (she has a high powered job) and being a mum (she has 4 children under the age of 10h) ect.

The problem is she can’t stop it but doesn’t want to end her marriage. She still loves her husband and doesn’t want to leave him. She doesn’t love the other guy, it’s more just sex and the need to feel wanted and the excitement of it.

Ive told her it needs to stop, she will wreck her life. I told her if she doesn’t get a grip of this I will tell her husband (but I would actually never be able to do this).

I am finding it increasingly hard to socialise with them both because of what I know. However she’s my best friend, I love her dearly and I couldn’t betray her. I want to do what’s best for her.

How do I handle this?

What did she say when you said if it doesn't stop you will tell him?

What would you expect and want her husband to do if your husband confided the same secret to him ? Your answer is their .

Would you consider starting an affair with her DH to make things even?

She said that she wouldn’t blame me for doing that and that she deserves it. But I wouldn’t do that. It’s not my place.

Not exactly helpful…

I would want him to tell me obviously. But she is my best friend

I know I’m missing the point but how the hell does she have the energy?!

I don’t know what to advise but she has given you a very heavy burden to carry.

Being best friends doesn't mean agreeing and going along with every bad decision the friend makes, in fact real friends would do the opposite if needed.

If you're not wanting to tell her DH I would say in no uncertain terms to her that

A) You no longer want to hear anymore about it
B) She needs to stop this affair once and for all, as you've already told her to
C) You won't support or condone it so she needs to stop talking to you about it as its putting you in an awful position and effecting your friendship
D) If she tries to speak to you about it or get support from you again, redirect her to point B. Repeat repeat repeat.

This is good advice. It’s hard though because in a way I’m glad she told me as she’s so messed up by it and doesn’t know what she’s doing and what’s going on. On the other hand I hate that I know. Ignorance really is bliss. I think I’m don’t going to have to tell her to drop it and not talk about it any more.
The guy she is seeing is going on a work secondment for a few months in another country so I’m hoping that gives her a chance to nip it in the bud and get over it.

You tell her that she needs to tell her husband or you will.

And you end your friendship because if her husband can’t trust her what makes you think you can trust her 🤷‍♀️

If your DH was having an affair would you want to know?

I couldn't remain friends with someone ike that & I would tell their partner.

If my partner cheated, I would want to know.

I was wondering how she finds the time!

I imagine her husband must suspect something as she must have a very intense schedules with not a lot of give so if she’s working late a lot more for eg I’m sure he has wondered

how would her life look if he asked for a divorce?

I’d tell her I don’t want to hear about it but leave it at that
I don’t take up for men over women so it’d not involve myself, and just avoid her husband forevermore

When does she get time to sleep with him multiple times with four children under ten! Is this real?

She says she can’t stop it? Of course she could. She just doesn’t want to.
I echo those who have said you need to tell her you don’t want to hear about it any more. Yes, she’s a dear friend but she has put you in an insidious position.

I’d keep it zipped but I wouldn’t socialise with them as a couple

This would be friendship ending for me. She can stop, she just doesn’t want to because she’s selfish. And now she’s burdened you with the knowledge of her disgusting behaviour, because she’s selfish. If you don’t want to tell her husband, that’s your choice but I’d want nothing more to do with her. She’s put you in a horrible position.

I would just get her to imagine her husband finding out, the look on his face and how she would feel about him feeling the hurt that she has caused him. Also to imagine him leaving her. Explain to her that affairs have a way of coming out as people become complacent. She may consider ending it if the reality of what she's putting at risk.

This happened to me. Ultimately our friendship didn't survive as I realised she wasn't who I thought she was. Our morals didn't align and I couldn't continue a friendship with someone so devious & selfish. It was devastating. It did take me several years to come to terms with the loss of her in my life, but also in how wrong I had been about her. I haven't had a close friendship since because if I got her so very wrong for so many years I don't really trust my judgment.

I had this exact scenario around ten years ago. I did exactly what @RapunzelHadExtensions recommended.

She told me and she was part haunted by it but then in he same conversation would go on to tell me how and where they had managed to last meet and how they had nearly got caught.

I told her that I didn’t want to hear about any of the forbidden fruit / exciting/ how great the chemistry is type stuff. However that I would support her to end the affair and would always be a friend of her marriage. I had to regularly see her DH too and he is a lovely guy.
I also strongly suggested she go to therapy which she did and it helped her get to the bottom of it.
Like you I couldn’t bring myself to tell her DH as we were best friends, but I was very honest and firm with her about the likely consequences if she didn’t stop.
It did drag on for a while but I can’t say for sure as she stopped talking to me about most aspects of it.
Her and her DH split up in the end. It wasn’t as a direct result of the affair but they were very different people.
i did find less reasons to actually go to her house as her DH would be there even though he was a friend too.

I am a single parent. At one point we went on holiday with our DCs (this was arrange pre affair) and that was particularly uncomfortable spending so much time with him.
We are still good friends but something shifted in that time ie my absolute trust and respect in her but the guilt was affecting her mental health and I didn’t want to leave her high and dry either.
It’s a very difficult situation OP. I would be quite tough but supportive.

It's unclear what the actual issue is for you. You already know you are not going to tell. If it's just about feeling awkward socialising with both of them, you could try meeting up with just her and skip the dinner parties for a while.

I would tell her that it’s only going to end in tears and that she’s not to come running to you when it does that you won’t be there for her