How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Pay for your own villa?

I would decline to go unless you can afford to pay for somewhere seperate - and join them in the day? Is there a cheap 2 bed Airbnb nearby?

Could you rent a studio near by? Smile warmly and say you thought everyone would enjoy just a little more space?

Yeah, I would try and find alternative accommodation. If they ask why, tell the truth. Your concerns are totally justified. And if any of them are offended or tell you not to be silly, then say ‘well, you have the sofa bed then’.

Why let them off the hook? No smiling. Say you’ve had to book somewhere else because you weren’t properly included in the first place. Dossing on a sofa bed is for last minute strays or small children.

I would simply message them all and ask that you be given a room as they are all up with the larks and this means you’re not suitable for the sofa bed.

The minimum requirement for adults is that they get a bedroom. It's not a holiday if you have no private space, you can't go to bed until everyone else has and you have to get up when the early birds rise.

Sofa beds in the communal area are for last minute guests and children. If they won't accommodate you properly I wouldn't go.

Decline get your husband to message that the villa set up won't suit, sofa bed for a week would set me over the edge. You managed to be able to speak to them about flights etc. I.am sure your husband can speak to his parents.

Where are you staying for the birthday celebrations? Can you not just stay there then leave to go home. Or chip in for a better villa.

I completely understand OP, one or two nights might be bearable but there's no way I could cope with a week sleeping in a communal space, thats not on at all.
Your DP needs to speak to them and explain you either cant come, get a bedroom, or will need to book your own accommodation, whatever works.

Your DH needs to grow a pair. He needs to discuss this situation with HIS family or you need to find other accommodations.

They way I see it you have 4 choices:

1. Ask politely, or rather get DH to ask politely, if you can have a private room due to your sleep issues (exaggerate if needed). If they say no move on to the following options:
2. Fly back early and skip that part of the holiday
3. Suck it up and be miserable (really don’t do this if you want any hope of a positive relationship with them in the future)
4. Pay for your own accommodation

Ask if you can have the bedroom as the others are larks. If they say no, book your own accommodation.

Generally I find it better to state things as fact rather than to present your reasons.

So just send a message to all of them “hi, really looking to our trip but just thinking about practicalities. Are BIL and SIL ok to take the sofa bed? I can’t sleep on a sofa bed, so DH and I will need a proper bedroom and bed. If SIL and BIL are happy with the sofa bed than that’s great but if not we might need to look at changing the villa?”

And then don’t get into debates about why you can’t have the sofa bed - any reason you give they will just try to argue with (oh of course we won’t wake you up! We’ll be quiet etc etc!). Just keep repeating that you’ll need a proper bedroom and bed, so if BIL and SIL also need a bedroom then you will all need to book different accommodation.

Don't make this your problem to solve - it’s equally reasonable (or unreasonable!) for your BIL and SIL to get the sofa, so if neither couple is happy with that then the villa just isn’t suitable.

I would look for alternative accomodation and explain that because you like to sleep a bit later in the morning and they are all early birds, it would be easier to have your own space. You also expect to have jet lag, so will likely want to go to bed earlier than when they vacate the living room. Well, I’d ask DH to do it. This isn’t talking about feelings, just practicalities.

Alternatively, if both villas have living rooms, could one of them be designated a bedroom for you and not communal space.

No way I’d be dossing on a sofa. Either rent somewhere else, come up with an arrangement where you get a bedroom, or don’t go. If you/your DP are wet lettuces over this and don’t speak up, well.. enjoy the sofa!

Yes, good spot that there might be two living rooms. In which case keep one as a permanent bedroom.

What's been said so far about who gets which room? Nothing? If so, you need to bring it up beforehand because the worst option is saying nothing and then they just stroll in and claim the bedrooms. Some good suggestions for starting the conversation on the thread.

DH needs to step up here, he can even "blame" you but he contacts them now and says "cawqa is feeling really uncomfortable about the sofa bed, have you planned who will sleep where because well book somewhere nearby if it's meant to be us." This isn't offensive, it's less rude than booking too small a place for everyone and then expecting gratitude.

Sounds awful.

If you’re in the living room will you even have overnight access to a bathroom? I would guess that they’ll only be one bathroom per villa, and that will most likely be en-suite to the bedroom.

This is your husband's problem to solve dear. Let him. And if you end up on the sofa bed give HIM the schtick. Not the in laws.

Look ahead for hotels with availability in the nearby area so you can cut and run if you need to.

There's no magic way to sort this out.

You have to decide which is better -
-Just put up with it
-Have an actual conversation (maybe agree with BiL and Sil to swap half way through since it sounds like the equity issue is a major issue for you, or come to some other arrangement).
-Pay for your own place
-Don't go.

Yeah my pil used to do this.

they only had two spare rooms and three adult children with partners.

i fall asleep really early as I get tired so the first time it happened I fell asleep on the sofa while everyone was still up. They got quite uncomfortable with it after a while (I usually fall asleep about nine and they usually stay up chatting until about two or three am so not sure what they thought would happen) but anyway someone woke me about midnight and told me they were going to let me sleep properly and they all went to bed early.

I would stay in an air bb . I would refuse to sleep on a sofa bed in the living room ! What were they thinking when they booked this place .

I think you just need to be brave and request the bedroom. If it’s declined then suggest booking your own space.

no way would I want to be on a sofa bed for 7 days! I would for 1-2 nights at a push but that’s it. I like my space and privacy and on holiday I’d love a lie in. Doesn’t happen at moment due to kids but if I were kid free I’d want freedom

I always think these group villa holidays seem to be more trouble than they’re worth. Someone always ends up on the sofa which isn’t great for them and is also not great for people wanting to use the living room. A good host would make sure everyone has an adequate bed. Nobody should be sleeping in the living room as that also means that everyone else is stuck in their bedrooms the entire time. I would say thank you but there aren’t enough bedrooms for everyone.