How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

This.

You either suck it up or you pay basically.

One family group “holiday”, we (DH and I) ended up sharing a mezzanine bedroom with my PILs. It had two queen beds next to each other and a small en suite. We were sleeping 2ft from PILs’ bed, and the mezzanine was over the open plan living area so zero privacy from everyone else staying in the house.

I was too new to the family to speak up and risk upsetting anyone.

The experience was scarring enough for me to put on my big girl pants and insist that we would always book our own separate accommodation after that, or be in charge of choosing the accommodation so I can vet the bedroom/bathroom situation.

Tell them the sofa bed doesn’t work for you. If BIL/SIL won’t take it either, then a new plan is needed. Avoiding awkwardness now is not worth a week of misery!!

I was going to ask this, the op is on holiday she can get up when she likes and 9 am is hardly late.

I wouldnt like that either. I also wouldnt want to be pushed into paying exra accommodation for a holiday I didnt want to go to in the first place.

That’s just fucking creepy

Just ask!

"How are sleeping arrangements going to work? I'm not keen to sleep on a sofa bed sorry... I'm wondering if it would be better if we booked a hotel room nearby?"

My god, three weeks with the in-laws, that’s way too long even if the accommodation were luxurious.

Book a villa nearby - and don’t stay three weeks! Ask them which week is the optimal week wrt the celebrations and take that one.

I genuinely don’t think it occurred to them that it was strange. It was just the cheapest way to do it and that made sense to them.

Obvs there were no shenanigans.

Wish I had been on Mumsnet at the time but it was pre-kids - i could have had some fun with an AIBU post.

These 'invitations' can be a right poisoned chalice. You don't have more right to a bedroom than anyone else but everone should have been told when they were invited, what the sleeping arrangements are.
The hosts will get a bedroom obviously, they are older as well as paying the bill. You need to be brave and raise the question of the other bedroom with BIL and SIL before setting off. One option is that you swap halfway through, so you get the bedroom for either the first part of the holiday or the last part. And agree that the living room cannot be used as a living room except between certain hours, eg 9am and 10pm.
Or rent somewhere else, which if you can afford it would work better anyway.
Oh - and you could ask for the alternative bedroom in this arrangement is the one-bedroom villa so you know you'll have peace and quiet when sleeping there.

WTF is wrong with so many people? Why are they incapable of having a perfectly normal adult conversation to discuss & sort out solvable problems?

OP, your DP needs to grow a pair & sort this out. It’s his family. If he can’t, or won’t, then you will need to do it yourself. It’s not hard. You don’t need to be rude, offensive or beligerent. Just calmly, factually & unapologetically set out the issues & provide at least two workable options to resolve them. In this case, those would be 1, you get a bedroom & someone else gets the sofa bed or 2, you find & pay for your own accommodation.

You should clarify with the group what the arrangements are for rooms, and book additional accommodation if necessary. It requires a conversation.

I don't see what the agonising is for, to be honest. You don't seem to be certain what the arrangements are. Isn't the easiest thing to say (or text) 'Can I just ask what the arrangements are for who is sleeping where, please?'

If you then get the answer 'You are on the sofa in the living room' I'd be saying, 'Ok, thanks. That doesn't work for us. We'll look into some alternative accommodation'.

It doesn't have to be difficult. But, no, I wouldn't be spending a week on a sofa bed in a communal room.

Although I suppose if OP jumps in first and says they will book elsewhere, SIL/BIL get lucky with the free accommodation.

It's hard to be fussy when somebody else is paying. But it doesn't sound great. I think just make the best of things this time and don't take up their offer again.

Got a call and got distracted so just reading posts now. We don't have enough money to afford anything separate. This trip is already costing us too much.

So the trip is a luxury resort in the middle of nowhere. We are flying in after the family celebration. We were originally meant to fly back to the in-laws city but they booked flights to here instead.. There isn't an option for us to get anywhere nearby as we cannot afford and anything outside the resort is very very far away. When we agreed to come we thought we were staying for free in their home.

I rhink this is the obvious solution

Could you change your return flight and make it a 10 day trip and completely miss the villa part?

OK, so ask for the bedroom and if the answer is no, you will have to come back home rather than go to the resort destination.

She hasn’t been allocated the sofa bed.

“Since you all get up much earlier than me, it’ll be more convenient for everyone if we take the bedroom and SIL/BIL have the sofa bed.”

Just take charge.

Ask what the arrangements are? It’s all you can do?

If you don’t raise it, you’ll be walked over.

Nailed it. It’s not rude, it’s practical.

I FUCKING HATE sofa beds as invariably you roll to the centre and they are shite.

OP have you looked on the website to see if a three bedroom villa exists?. It may not cost much more for one and your DP could suggest his parents amend the booking.

The thing about being assertive is that it's never as bad as the worrying you do beforehand, and the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Either you or your husband should send a message to the parents asking about the sleeping arrangements, and do it now. If you need to bow out because you thought you were staying at their house and this accommodation wasn't discussed then say that. But first ask them to confirm where you'll be sleeping.

"Hi, thanks for booking the accommodation, it's very generous of you to pay for everyone. Have you thought about who's being allocated each room? We won't be able to sleep in the living room, and we just wanted to check that we can have one of the bedrooms. We look forward to seeing everyone, thanks again. "

'The thing about being assertive is that it's never as bad as the worrying you do beforehand, and the more you do it, the easier it gets.'

This is very true, and very good advice. It is hard and very daunting to get started, especially if the family culture is that you don't speak up or make requests, but it's an important skill to develop