How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

How about DH and BIL can share the sofa bed with their parents in the next room. OP and SIL can share the 1 bedroom villa and have a lie in.

Agree with PP but also think the anxiety caused worrying about this is worse than simple getting on and asking…..

I've been invited to stay with people before only to find that the accommodation was deeply inadequate. What are people thinking of? If they cannot provide a proper bedroom for all guests it's just a complete non starter.

Have you actually been told you’re having the sofa bed or are you catastrophising?

The minimum requirement for everyone should be a bedroom. That includes children. They are human aswell. They deserve privacy just as much.

The solution here is obvious. Just rent your own 1 bed place nearby and have full control over your sleeping arrangements and your own holiday. You will also have a place for some time away from people who you clearly find a lot. Everyone will have a better holiday.

Rude for sleeping until 9am …. On holiday?????

Peak Mumsnet batshittery 🤣🤣🤣

Just speak to your SIL/BIL now and explain that you need the bedroom due to your sleeping habits and see if they are happy with the sofa bed . If they aren’t then either pay for your own villa or don’t go , it’s an invitation not a summons

swap after 3/4 nights

Offer to book an additional place if you don’t agree with the arrangements. Personally I’d suck it up if I wasn’t paying

This.

It's all very well people saying this is your husband's issue to solve - but you can't trust him to be effective, can you? So you will have to do it yourself.

No need to be confrontational, just keep saying the sofa won't work for you and you need your own bedroom

Tell him your not going. Say you'll stay behind at mil place. And mean it.

No way id spend my annual leave like this.

They may think its fine. They may think youre uptight. Thats ok. Just set your boundaries now or youll have a lifetime of this shit.

So they’ve booked 2 villas. One with 1 bedroom and another with 1 bedroom and a sofa bed in the living area. Sounds very very odd indeed, surely would have been cheaper to book a 3 bed or am I being very dim 🥴

Have they said you get the living room? If not then the correct thing to do is make it clear you will require a bedroom if you are to come. Others can make their own decisions about what is acceptable to them. Unless you are teenagers I wouldn’t even consider not having own room!

Toss a coin with SIL/BIL ... who wins gets 4 nights in bedroom, otger couple get 3.

Or Cancel.

Perhaps the parents are taking the sofa?

They are not really paying for you though are they if you have paid all own flights but end up on a sofa bed

I mean to be honest no one will be sleeping in if it’s a one bedroom villa with several early risers. So bedroom or not it’s going to be a noisy time.

Just book a hotel nearby and tell them that’s where you’ll be. You can meet up for meals and hang out and whatnot but after 9am or whenever you want.

I would feel awkward about bringing this up with in laws but not my own parents

why cant upur husband message them and say, hey the villa looks good. Not enough bedrooms though. Is that the actual one we have?

@cawqa

"DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings".
So that means you're from a culture that does talk about feelings.

So talk. Tell them that you need a bedroom.

This is a great response.

Is the living room the only communal room? If there is a separate kitchen it shouldn’t really be an issue.

If you can’t face discussing it at the time, why not put it in a chat and just say, can we discuss, who is sleeping where? Then you can add you like to sleep in till 9ish etc

You really need to book your own accommodation, not just for your own bedroom but the bathroom as well! Almost as crucial, IME.
And then of course you get your own living room too.
it will be an easier holiday all round if everyone has their own space to retreat to. With the best will in the world, sometimes you just need some alone time. A quiet evening just doing your own thing is not to be sniffed at, ever.
We love holidaying with friends but we don’t need to be in their company 24 hours a day.

Are you young / poor / both? If so I reckon you are destined for the sofa bed (especially since DP is the shrinking violet of the family). If you can’t afford an alternative rental your choice is to go and make the best of it, or not go.

'DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings".'

I get this and I have loads of sympathy. This would be a very uncomfortable situation in my family too. However, if nothing changes then nothing changes, so one of you needs to bite the bullet. You CANNOT sleep on a sofa bed for an entire week, so make it clear that you need a room of your own. If that's not happening, then you need to rent your own place. And I know that won't be an easy conversation either, but you will go insane with resentment and sleep deprivation if you don't get this sorted now