How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Could the sofa bed be moved into the adjacent villa? The if you end up with the sofa bed you can retire early. Come to an agreement with occupants of that bedroom that they will spend time in the large villa while you’re in bed

Two bedrooms in total in both villas or two in one and one in the other?

You're screwed either way as you will have a shit time, so just don't go and better yet if dh goes you get the whole time to yourself.
No way would I put up with being made to sleep on a sofa bed for a whole week..its supposed to be a holiday.

OP you haven’t really said what you want to happen and what your non-negotiables are? I guess you are hoping to get one of the bedrooms for the duration. It seems very unlikely this will happen based on what you’ve said about past trips and family dynamics, you’re absolutely destined for the sofa bed unless you stand up for yourself. So what are you happy with? I don’t think it’s as easy as saying ’I need a bedroom so you’ll have to sort yourselves out’ as a) that’s rude and b) it’s not fair (they might all feel the same so why do your needs trump theirs?).

Would you be happy with the suggestion of 3/4 nights in living/bedroom? Do you agree that the people paying for the accommodation definitely get one of the bedrooms for the duration? Could you genuinely argue that the others will always be going to bed later than you and getting up earlier? If this is the case, if it was me in their situation I’d happily take the sofa bed rather than losing access to the living room when the person sleeping there wanted to go to bed - as long as the only bathroom isn’t en suite. If you end up being railroaded into taking the sofa bed, will you feel comfortable telling everyone you want to go to bed and kicking them out? I get the feeling you’re not going to back out of going even if you do end up on the sofa all week… please do correct me if I’m wrong here?

Don't know why people keep saying about changing to a three-bed, you’ve been clear that’s not an option. So you’ve got to get across your strength of feeling to them and land on the least-worst solution.

Lastly, really liked the suggestion of saying the problem is going to be the same when you get there, and that you’d feel better if a plan is made now so you all know the score.

Each villa has one bedroom. In addition one villa has a sofa bed in the lounge.
so not enough bedrooms for the number of people going.

I would hate that. I don’t go to sleep easily and dont wake up early.
you really need to speak up.
send a message from both of you asking for the sleeping arrangements as you have trouble getting to sleep and don’t get up early. Once you know you can decide what to do. You’re a grown up. Speak!!!

Don’t go why should you suffer it might cause a row but that might push do to sort it and

Hopefully they’ll all sit outside at night to chat and can come quietly through your room to go to bed.

I think your dh should go alone and you stay at home. I wouldn't go.

Not the point of the thread, but I have never encountered a one bedroom luxury villa with a sofa bed in the living room.

I knew that they would reply along the lines of sorting it out when you get there. That's code for "you're getting the shitty end of this stick when it's too late for you to make alternative arrangements".

TBH in that position I just wouldn't get on the plane at all. I would send an email saying that your partner has said he doesn't mind the sofa so he will still be going but you will sit this one out and see them all on the next visit. And I would wait until the day before the flight, or even after the flight has left with your partner to send the email because otherwise there will be massive amounts of emotional blackmail, followed by insisting that you have the bedroom and then bitching about it for the entire visit.

I have often used the phrase "oh dear, it must be a cultural difference" when I don't want to do something with DH's family (like fast on Good Friday, that was a nightmare, DH and I went out for lunch).

Just stay home, OP @cawqa
problem solved

I think I'd be sucking up the money lost on the flights as it sounds like the holiday will be a miserable experience.

I thought that too!

Speak to pil. Say you are grateful for invitation but can't spend a week on a sofa bed so you will rearrange flights home and miss the final week. DH can choose to go and sleep on sofa as single or come with you.

where I stay yearly it has a bed room and sofa bed so says sleeps 4

I would call it an apartment tho not a villa

wonder what makes it a luxury apartment v a normal one

My main gripe would be the lack of privacy . No way I could cop this treatment .
Your husband needs to man up instead of family walking over you both .

I think you need to go and just chalk this up to experience. Next time they offer to pay just politely say no, you can’t afford it, and you don’t want to sleep on a sofabed. You can be polite but no reason to keep putting yourself through this if you can’t afford to pay for something that suits you better.

The sofa bed in of itself i could live with as even now I'm getting older I'm actually not bad at sleeping on things others would find uncomfortable and you do get some good models of sofa beds. It's the having people wandering around my sleeping space that I couldn't do. Maybe a night but not a whole week.

Yes, there are thee couples going.

Let them off the hook? They are paying!

Write into the group chat that can you make it a rule that the living room is out of bounds from 11pm until 7am. I presume you will all be going to bed at the same time anyways and 7am is better than being woke at 5am. If anyone has a problem with this then they can sleep in the living room. Alternatively you could suggest that it's fair that you take it in turns to have the bedroom. BIL/SIL could have it 4 nights since they booked it and then for the last 3 nights you get the bedroom. There has to be a compromise.

I must say it is very odd to book 2 bedrooms for 3 families for a week even if you're paying. If I had booked something like this I would take the sofa.

I’d be looking at the cheapest war to avoid this.

ie flights from city a to city c plus cheap hotel in c or a.
ir cheap hotel near airport b even if that’s miles from resort b.

I assume in laws are paying for the hotels in city an and c or is that family accommodation? So maybe free to extend that?

I’d only agree to that sofa bed if bathroom access was also available to both couples in that place without having to interrupt the other. But I assume if it’s off common area then lounge sleeper would be disturbed by bedroom couple using it?

we're getting the bedroom!

BIL messaged saying not to worry and that we can have it.

I am very grateful. But I don't know if he has ran this by his wife or not.