How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Honestly, I’d tell DP to go on his own as I also wouldn’t be able to do this. If it was my parents I’d be honest and talk to them about options, if your DP doesn’t feel able to do that he can go on his own and he will feel less awkward on the sofa bed then you would as it’s his family

One of you needs to have the awkward conversation of you're going to have a rubbish holiday. Speak up.

Sleeping on a sofa bed for 7 days isn’ a holiday as far as I am concerned. It If I couldn’t afford my own accommodation then I wouldn’t go.

Families all have different ideas about what is appropriate for sleeping arrangements. My in-laws are very much 'pack everyone into the smallest place possible and it'll be like a lovely sleepover'. I like my own space so me and DH have tended to sort our own accommodation (though we do have to be clear that no one is deciding to bunk in with us if they feel like a change of scenery!).

There's not a right and wrong, it's just down to personal preference.

If you're not willing to pay for yourself there's not much you can do other than ask politely for a private room.

This!

It isn't really. It's OP who has the preference so it should be her who brings up the issue.

@cawqa just say 'you may not be aware but I have problems sleeping, so don't tend to wake early. As you're early risers and will want to use the living room, could we please have the bedroom? That way I'll get my sleep and not be in your way when you want to be up and about. Thanks!'

But I don't think they've even said you're on the sofa bed have they, @cawqa?

I would strongly suggest that your DH goes in now very friendly and suggests that, given you get up so much later than everyone else, would it be okay if you get the bedroom? You may find that everyone else says sure, that's fine.

If there is push back then perhaps you need to find an AirBnB nearby? But don't assume a problem until there is a problem.

And I'm fascinated by this culture where they are all really inconsiderate but don't talk about feelings. Most cultures I know are either always talking about feelings, or very reserved but also really considerate.

Are you sure you're on the sofa bed?
If that's not already been said just drop in a conversation that it will make sense for you and DH to have a bedroom as you get up later.

Honestly sleeping in until 9am when staying with others is just rude.

You expect everyone to tiptoe around you for hours on end? No.

You need to have a conversation about who is sleeping where.

This. A few years back DH and I were invited on a friends holiday - no spare bedrooms but we were welcome to doss down in the open plan living room! Friends were a bit surprised when we declined. Im not a teenager - if I don’t have a bedroom I’m not interested thanks. I’ve booked many group holidays and will always make sure wherever we stay is accommodating everyone.

You have a MASSIVE DH problem, which you seem to be glossing over; presumably as you’re already aware of said problem.

Went away with 2 friends, one of them got fixated on and insisted on booking a particular, nice, villa. When I and other friend pointed out it had 2 bedrooms, we weren’t sharing he still insisted on it. Despite other 3 bedroom villas being available. I stood my ground on not sharing and he seemed surprised when he ended up on the sofa bed.

stand your ground.

I’m always amazed at people who book to go away with families without checking the accommodation is suitable and that everyone is happy.
your DH needs to speak up and state that the accommodation doesn’t have enough bedrooms unless someone has volunteered to sleep in the living room.

Going through life never, ever speaking up for yourselves and expecting everything to fall into place for you, is astonishingly naive for two grown adults. Of course I understand that all people have different personalities and some are naturally more conflict avoidant which is fine but this isn’t that! Agreeing to go on a holiday where you know without even asking, that you & your DH will be the ones pulling the short straw and ending up on the sofa bed, purely because you’re not as ‘loud’ as the others, then refusing to say anything about it in your defence, is not just conflict avoidant, that’s a young-child level of timidness.
I do have sympathy as I’m conflict avoidant too but not to this extent.
Your DH needs to have a chat with his family and straighten this whole thing out. He should’ve done that in the very beginning…!

How is sleeping till 9am rude? Surely that's a normal time to wake up on holiday? I'd be really annoyed if I was woken up earlier than that.

DH needs to talk to his parents, and make it clear that you're worried that there's not enough beds for everyone. It's not just a sofa bed, there's nowhere for your luggage, no separate bathroom.... just No.

Sod that. It sounds awful. Book a separate villa.

It's really not talking about feelings to point out there are 3 couples and only 3
2 bedrooms.
You don't need to disclose anything at all about your sleep patterns. You just say you like to sleep in a bed and if everyone else does too then alternative accommodation needs to be found. Wanting to sleep in a bed isn't an unusual quirk to be embarrassed about.

"Sorry the sleeping arrangements don't work for me/us so we will be staying nearby/not coming with you."

Absolutely make a stand. I've just been on holiday with two friends who go away together a lot so they are happy to share a room. I was very definite that I was not going to be sleeping on a sofabed, I wanted a bedroom and a proper bed. I've been in the situation where (with one of these friends) I ended up on a sofabed for a fortnight and it did not make for a relaxing holiday, for any of us because I was pissed off and short on sleep all the time.

suggest that you go halves on somewhere else to stay close by, offer to take it even if it's not as nice and be grateful for the P&Q

Your DP needs to sort this out, there's no feelings to discuss in that conversation!

Just a simple 'mum and dad, there doesn't appear to be enough bedrooms for everyone, did you mean to say you've booked 3 villas?'
Any suggestion that 1 couple is on the sofa bed should be met with 'we won't sleep on a sofa bed so won't be able to attend if there is no bedroom for us'.

No blaming you because you're being 'difficult'. That sort of nonsense will cause a rift between you and his family. He should be ensuring you are comfortable with the arrangements on a trip with HIS family.
If he won't do it, just decline the invitation and he can have the poxy sofa bed to himself.

No way would I sleep on a fucking sofa bed for a week and my husband wouldn't even consider persuading me otherwise because someone else has paid.

So have they definitely said you’re having the sofa bed, or are you making an assumption? But either way, over crowding is not my idea of a holiday.

Am i missing something? It says 2 villas in your description.

One for two people (PIL I would have thought) and one with a bedroom and a sofa bed in the lounge? So you only have to arrange this with BIL/SIL surely?

If you get up late and they get up early does that mean that you stay up late too? The people that stay up the latest really should have the sofa bed, otherwise what are the early sleepers meant to do?

TBH holidays like this are all about compromise and it doesn't sound like you are willing to compromise at all, so I doubt they will if you don't, alternative accommodation may be the only solution.