How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Great message @CarerBurnout - speak out Op!

Whenever I go away with my adult DC we get a bedroom each that doesn't involve sleeping in the lounge on a sofa bed.

I would at a push for a night or two if I had to for my DC but not as a conscious decision. You will end up on the sofa bed if you don't speak up.

Agree don’t apologise or give reasoning - a simple ‘thank you for booking, just wanted to confirm that we can’t sleep on a sofa bed in a communal space - let us know if this was the plan for us, and we’ll have to give it a miss this time‘

then you have your answer, "really sorry, can't come" let you partner go alone if they wish to.

You either skip the villa part of the holiday (staying at theirs while they go away), say you can’t sleep on a sofa bed for a full week and offer to go 50:50 with one of the couple, identify whether both villas have a living room and state that if you’re sleeping in one of them, it needs to be a dedicated bedroom and not communal living space, or see if the resort has a bigger villa and cough up the difference in cost, or suggest drawing straws for the second bedroom (fair for the couple paying to get a bedroom).

Nooooo.... not only do you have to sleep on a sofa you have to sleep adjacent to BIL & SIL sweaty holiday body sheets. Not a chance I would do this.

Do your PiL still see you all as 'the kids' and so will just bunk down anywhere? If so, they need to be disabused of this idea.

I can't quite work out the number of beds: you say 2 villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for 2 people. One what - villa or another sofa bed? But 6 people, 3 couples - this isn't viable for adults. Poor you. X

Surely this is on DH to speak to his siblings and ask what they understand the arrangements are?
I presume DPIL will be in the 2 person villa and the 4 of your sharing other villa, so he really does just need to ask.
And then a 50/50 split on bedroom/lounge for the stay if they are not happy in the lounge for the full stay either.

He needs to bring this up so you know either way.
The not knowing must be worse surely.

I know it’s a bit of a lie but could you say you will need a private bedroom for medical reasons?
might they be less likely to ask any questions as they don’t talk about personal stuff much?

We have ended up with the rubbish choice in the past. Like another posters in the story it was an open plan mezzanine. It didn't look like it was from the photos. We arrived last and everyone took the good rooms and it's weird to bring up and awkward. We were woken up at 5am.

In his family they have a hidden rule that whoever booked gets priority and BIL booked. SIL is a very big character, very assertive and likes the best. I have never travelled with her as she is fairly new to the family.

There are two villas. One villa is really just a bedroom and bathroom. The one next to it has a big living, dining, kitchen room with the sofa bed, a bathroom, and a bedroom. So really everyone will be hanging out in that room.

I am happy to go to bed early and chill in my room, I wouldn't expect people to stay up for me.

The truth is while ild rather not go, there isn't really an option to. We're paying for the very expensive flights to the country and they are paying for everything once we are there except meals out and activities.

So we arrive to City A where PIL live. 3 days later we travel to the party in city B. 3 days later we travel to this luxury resort. A week later we travel to city C to see family. Then we fly back to City A.

The plan was made and everything booked. As far as we were concerned we were happy to go along with their plans since we weren't paying, but we didn't think they may not book enough rooms. So if we didn't do this week in the middle, we don't really have anywhere to go. We would have to pay the £800 for 2 flights back to City A. Stay in their home by ourselves. We didn't budget for that.

So I know in truth the options are A. Speak out. B Suck it up.

I wish we had the funds for more options.

These villas are very expensive. Thousands. We are late 20s. Saving up for a house and wedding.

I am going to speak out but I need to do it over text as they are not video callers.

If dp is quiet and awkward I definitely would be saying no to this, because he won't stand up for you.

DP will speak up for me if I ask, but I don't trust him to get a good results. He will give up at the first hurdle if there's any push back.

Can anyone help me craft a text to my BIL?

Don’t you think anyone else messaging should be from your DP to his parents as they are paying?

I think you should get into your jamas and start making the bed up at 10pm, and do not get up before 9am and shush everyone all the time and when they say anything say 'well, you didn't book us a room so thats on you not me'.

Yes, it's ridiculous not to discuss it. Whoever gets up first gets the sofa bed. The rest of you have need to compromise by going to bed earlier.

Hi BIL, just a quick query about the villa for our trip, DP is under the impression that there are only two bedrooms, is that correct? Just wondering how that is going to work with the six of us.

If he says you are on the sofa bed then you can reply saying that’s not going to work unfortunately as you will need to retire early to bed if they are up late socialising and also you don’t wake as early as the rest of the family.

if you want to add an excuse say you suffer from migraines so need access to a bedroom.

Frankly it sounds like you are shit out of luck. His parents aren't going to be sleeping on the sofa, and if BIL did the booking and SIL is a loud personality then you've got no real chance do you?

Sounds like your best bet is to figure out ways to mitigate the effects on you (headphones, sleep mask, melatonin) and swerve going on these kinds of holidays again.

These situations are one of the unexpected joys of being middle aged. I’m 55 and hell will freeze before I sleep on a sofa in a shared house for a week.

A bright and breezy - “thing is, our room also being a communal room/sofa bed situation just isn’t for me. We are looking at other local options but if there isn’t anything, no worries, have a lovely time and we will see you when you get back.”

With further reading, it’s clear that you will have the sofa bed. BIL booked and in laws paid. Have I missed when this break is?
you need to go back to them whilst there may still be time to change the villas so there are 3 bedrooms.
“Hi BIL, just discussing the holiday and it looks like there’s a problem with the booking. There’s only 2 bedrooms and 3 couples going. We need 3 bedrooms. “

ask if you could pay the difference to upgrade one to a 2 bed?

Left field solution for this trip only - take a tent (could you hire one cheaply?) for you two. And then never, ever agree to anything like this again.
It's not on, is it?

google "sunk cost fallacy"

Yes and pitch the tent in the middle of the kitchen. That will make the point! Mwah ha ha!

Yes, say this. That you need 3 bedrooms. How long until the trip?

Honestly, after reading your updates, in your shoes I'd just not go. Yes, you'll lose out on the flights but you won't be wasting annual leave on an uncomfortable and stressful week on a sofa bed. Don't get sucked in by the sunk cost fallacy.